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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go for a show on our sons first birthday 🎉

167 replies

NoIdeaWhatImDoin · 16/01/2024 21:57

Ok so long winded situation but in a nutshell
we have two kids, youngest is turning one in a month.
have had major issues between us which has left us with lots of baggage and husband not willing to see a therapist.
now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert with friends on the night of our sons first birthday. His rational being that “I don’t like birthday parties anyway” and “party will
be in the afternoon and im only going out at night”
I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

have a history of being over sensitive about similar issues so just wanted to get an opinion on it
am I being dramatic when I get so upset by it?

OP posts:
Titchyfeep · 17/01/2024 10:08

Let’s face it, the party is for you not the child who won’t have a clue what’s going on and won’t remember it and your husband is still going to be there. If you are worried about the tidying just leave it and do it together once he is back home or the following day.

Snoken · 17/01/2024 10:08

Clearly this is a much deeper issue but if we are just focussing on this particular day then I think he should help clear up before he goes and get them ready for bed. Then you just have to get them to sleep when he is out and you can enjoy your evening without him. It sounds like it would be nicer without him anyway.

Pigsears · 17/01/2024 10:14

Reframe you mind to being a single parent.

Enjoy the party. Plan something for you in the evening after you have put kids to bed.

Ask your partner to stay over at friend's house post gig and ask if he can have kids from say lunch on the Sunday. This avoids him coming home late and you being resentful as you have more control over the narrative.
You can have a nice Sunday morning with the kids and then work out what you want to do Sunday pm.

PrimroseSilk · 17/01/2024 10:15

Itsmychristmasdress · 16/01/2024 22:03

How ridiculous

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Why is it ridiculous?

ManateeFair · 17/01/2024 10:15

Personally, I think you're making a fuss over nothing.

The 'I don't like birthday parties anyway' comment was a bit off, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out to a gig in the evening when a child has had a birthday party in the afternoon. Your child doesn't even know what a birthday is; it doesn't have to be twenty-four solid hours of 'special'.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2024 10:19

Namenamchange · 16/01/2024 22:25

Lots of other nights he can go out, doesn’t have to go out on the baby birthday.

I think this. The date obviously means a lot to you, if not for the baby. A first birthday party is for the parents not the baby.

You have put work into organising this, at this is the event of that day, not something to be got past before he can go out.

And as you say, there’s all the cleaning up to do, kids to put to bed (pps might not have read, it’s her youngest which means other children as well to get ready for bed etc). Then, yes, a sit down together and “debrief“ in the evening as partners is a reasonable

wasanneofcleves · 17/01/2024 10:20

I think it's fine. It's mildly annoying in the sense he has a different opinion to you but assuming you're inviting family over from say 2pm for a couple of hours to open presents and sing happy birthday I don't think it's a huge deal. Your DH can still help you to clear up before he goes out. If there's really too much to handle then just leave it until the next day and crash on the sofa when the kids are in bed.

NoCloudsAllowed · 17/01/2024 10:21

I can imagine this being enraging, OP. Especially the 'I don't like birthday parties anyway' - it's not about what he enjoys, is it?

Have you also done/will do all the birthday organising - presents, invites, party food etc?

I don't think it's about this event per se, you just feel underappreciated and taken for granted. If you really have no option but to stay with him, you do need to change your mindset to just stop expecting much from him. Do what you want, leave him out of it. It's true that if you were a single parent, you'd likely be doing the party and clean up by yourself anyway.

I'd be allocating time at weekends when he's in charge of kids and you can go out by yourself, and vice versa. As if you were co-parenting rather than in a relationship.

Olika · 17/01/2024 10:21

Personally I wouldn't mind. My DH and his mates went out after DDs party until 5am. But if that's a problem for you then I would communicate this to your DH.

AbbeFausseMaigre · 17/01/2024 10:24

now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert

The big problem here is the word tells. Coupled with the fact that he seems to think that not loving kids parties is a good enough excuse to opt out.

There's nothing inherently wrong with either parent balancing their own lives and pleasures against those of their children, and he's right, with young kids the day isn't far off being over by 6pm, and if this is a band he really, really wants to see and it's his only chance of going then I don't think he is in the wrong for at least considering it. But this should absolutely be a discussion, not a decree, in the context of a healthy relationship with plenty of give and take.

MammaTo · 17/01/2024 10:28

I think he’s a cheeky bastard.

MotherofGorgons · 17/01/2024 10:29

I'd have no problem with this, as one year olds don't care about birthdays- especially evenings- and adults are entitled to care about concerts. We didn't even have a party at that age.

But I guess there is a backstory.

Harry12345 · 17/01/2024 10:30

To me that’s a day that we both don’t make any plans and are there for our child and each other, if there was something that we wanted to do later it would be discussed by both in a respectful way that understood that it’s not the norm, can’t imagine most mums making plans on their child’s birthdays. His attitude would annoy me and I’d feel let down

Bonbon249 · 17/01/2024 10:31

Tell him the deal is, if you put the kids to bed, he does the clean up - before he goes to the concert. Also, he needs to suck up the whole birthday party thing as it's going to happen twice a year from now on and you're not doing it on your own.

MotherofGorgons · 17/01/2024 10:32

I guess I am a mum who would happily make plans on my one-year-olds birthday and go for a concert if I wanted to. It;s just a day! That the baby doesn't appreciate.

TempleOfBloom · 17/01/2024 10:35

What sort of party are you having?

Does he have to leave as early as 6?

I don’t think going to an event that he is a fan of is a terrible thing to do, tbh.

Codlingmoths · 17/01/2024 10:35

I guess the best you can do here is say ok if we haven’t finished cleaning up from the party, I’ll leave it to tomorrow or I won’t get so much as a chance to sit down that evening.

stayathomer · 17/01/2024 10:35

Glad I rtft. To me that’s grand as in Id have no problem with it but if you have difficulties in the marriage and you’re worried about being over sensitive I don’t think you should take weight on any of our opinions! Sorry you’re away from home op and best of luck x

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/01/2024 10:36

If he's there for the day and going out at night, it's not the end of the world - but I wouldn't do all the clearing away and such, I would do the absolute essentials, and you and him can tackle it the next day.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 17/01/2024 10:37

Your relationships over and you’re both wanting to divorce but are staying together for the sake of the kids since you had to vacate your homeland? I’d say wave him off with a smile and have a lovely evening to yourself without him.

This ^ . Make a new life for yourself and your two children in your new country, and don't get into custody battles with him. He clearly doesn't want to be with his children, has already said he doesn't want to be with you, so don't let him take the children out of spite after you divorce. Smile, thank him for attending the party, tell him to enjoy the concert, then start preparing to divorce him as you'd already planned.

As for the party - enjoy it, use minimal stuff which needs washing up, and take photos to remember it by. Make sure people take photos of you with your DC, don't you just take photos of him.

MotherofGorgons · 17/01/2024 10:38

After reading your updates, yes, I agree, wave him off and enjoy the evening on your own, while leaving the cleaning for him. I don't think you can make him miss the concert.

Ramalangadingdong · 17/01/2024 10:49

Make sure you stipulate what time the party will be ending and that it gives you and dh time to tidy up together before he goes off.

Could be nice for you to have an evening to yourself after all the stress/excitement of the party.

Pookerrod · 17/01/2024 10:51

I don’t think this has anything to do with your child’s first birthday and more that you are unhappy and you see this as yet another example of your husband not caring about you.

In a loving marriage and happy family this probably wouldn’t be an issue. I wouldn’t have cared if my DH had made plans in the evening of either of my children’s first birthday as the kids would be in bed anyway. But that’s because we love each other, are generally happy and I know that he is a great husband and father.

If you really can’t leave him then my advice to you would be to try and emotionally close yourself off until you can leave. Don’t let little things like this upset you. Just focus on your and your kids.

LondonLass91 · 17/01/2024 11:01

Itsmychristmasdress · 16/01/2024 22:03

How ridiculous

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I quite liked this suggestion!

poetryandwine · 17/01/2024 11:02

Wow, OP. I am glad I read your updates. What a stressful and complex situation you are in.

The birthday party: one year olds do best with small, low key parties. It is in no one’s interests to overexcite your DC; a one year old has no understanding of what’s happening. Birthday cake and wrapping paper are quite enough excitement! Tea, coffee, sparkling water or a glass of something festive and a few snacks for the adults. This type of party is easy to clean up. Everything can be finished early.

Birthday meals to honour your maternal instincts, elaborate gifts, etc are for when DC are old enough to appreciate them and have the neurology to cope.

The back story: horrific. You have been through more genuine stress than most of us can imagine, compounded by a bad marriage. Gently, could the marriage history be part of the problem here? Like a PP I would be a bit disappointed if DH were doing this, but only because I think the evening a DC turns one is a special time for the parents. A private celebration. It doesn’t sound like that is part of your agenda.

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