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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go for a show on our sons first birthday 🎉

167 replies

NoIdeaWhatImDoin · 16/01/2024 21:57

Ok so long winded situation but in a nutshell
we have two kids, youngest is turning one in a month.
have had major issues between us which has left us with lots of baggage and husband not willing to see a therapist.
now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert with friends on the night of our sons first birthday. His rational being that “I don’t like birthday parties anyway” and “party will
be in the afternoon and im only going out at night”
I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

have a history of being over sensitive about similar issues so just wanted to get an opinion on it
am I being dramatic when I get so upset by it?

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 16/01/2024 22:25

Lots of other nights he can go out, doesn’t have to go out on the baby birthday.

HoppingPavlova · 16/01/2024 22:28

YABVU. Your 1yo will have no idea what day it is, so first solution would be to move it to another day. If for some reason that’s not possible, how much cleaning up could there be after a 1yo party? Just use disposable cups and plates? Make it so clean up is super easy. What sort of party does a 1yo have apart from a cake and singing? If grandparents over, just do really simple no fuss finger food. By the time they leave, the clean up should have roughly solved itself and he can also head out the door to the concert. If you have planned some ultra elaborate, hard clean up do for a 1yo party then change it or accept you suffer the clean up yourself! Even if I was the other parent, and staying home with nowhere to go, I wouldn’t want a big clean up imposed on me!

Anothernamech · 16/01/2024 22:31

Agree with baby en route. The kid will not remember it/ he is there in the afternoon, but that’s totally missing the point. He should be there in the eve for you. I found both DC first birthdays very emotional and would be livid if left in the eve on my own

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/01/2024 22:32

I disagree with quite a few of the posters. I think it’s a bit shit of him. I would not be overly surprised if you were to say that this is symptomatic of a wider problem where he prioritises himself over family stuff.

Echobelly · 16/01/2024 22:36

The manner of his expressing it is a bit shit, but a one YO's party in the afternoon is not a reason for him not to go to a gig, especially not if it's the one date a band is in town or tickets are availavle. I can understand you feeling annoyed in the context of other issues going on and how he mentioned it, but it wouldn't be reasonable to tell him he shouldn't go.

If there's going to be much preparation (eg family coming over) can you maybe get him to set up/tidy up/do shopping ahead as you'll have to tidy up after?

LaughingCat · 16/01/2024 22:37

Ooohhh…this is dividing MN.

Honestly, I think he’s right. It’s a birthday for a 12 month old baby. That’s what…chocolate cake for the obligatory ‘covered in brown goo in the highchair’ photo at 1pm, with family, and everything cleaned up, dinner made and kids sorted by 6pm? He then goes out to a gig.

Deeper issues here. In any normal relationship where you both support each other and trust the other to be there, this shit doesn’t matter. Wouldn’t cause a second thought.

So, @NoIdeaWhatImDoin …what’s underneath this? Why do you feel like he’s abandoning you to do everything and doesn’t care about being with his family? Because that’s what's coming through your post and it’s at odds with the scenario itself. What’s the history here?

TextThumb · 16/01/2024 22:46

Who cares if he doesn’t like birthday parties? This is a party for his son.

I expect he is selfish and inconsiderate all year round, which is why you feel like this OP.

He doesn’t really care about his son’s Party, and just sees it as a chore. I get the feeling he is always going to put himself first.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If this was in the context of a loving supportive marriage and he was sensitive and apologetic in nature, it might be okay. But I don’t think he is.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatImDoin · 16/01/2024 23:23

That is exactly why. But our lack of affection for each other won’t change. So I just want to continue in the most non-confrontational war possible

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 16/01/2024 23:30

NoIdeaWhatImDoin · 16/01/2024 23:23

That is exactly why. But our lack of affection for each other won’t change. So I just want to continue in the most non-confrontational war possible

But you don't have to.
You can tell by your OP this is about much more than your 1 Yr olds party.
If your lack of affection for each other won't change and he won't consider counselling then why stay?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2024 23:34

End the marriage already. If you are both this unhappy and miserable, there is not point in prolonging the inevitable.

PriOn1 · 16/01/2024 23:39

It’s not really a party for his son though, is it? The one year old won’t even remember it. It’s a party because his mum wants to celebrate and she’s disappointed her husband doesn’t feel the same.

I understand why you feel so let down, OP, but I think this sounds like an example where nobody is in the wrong, per se, you just want and prioritize different things.

If he doesn’t like and prioritize you and the children, that’s pretty awful, but you won’t change him and you might be better off ending it.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatImDoin · 16/01/2024 23:40

It’s not that simple. We have migrated to another country due to conflict in our homeland. For now I’m stuck

OP posts:
Original poster
NoIdeaWhatImDoin · 16/01/2024 23:42

The kids. A custody battle would affect them so much at this point.
Number 2 was an unexpected arrival just as we had agreed to get divorced. So somewhere in my head I feel as though we are meant to somehow try and work this out

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 16/01/2024 23:44

Oh that’s shit. I’m sorry OP. I’ve been stuck with an abusive husband where I couldn’t escape because I didn’t have a visa and couldn’t legally take the children if I went to a different country.

It utterly sucks and my only advice then would be to try to work out a long term plan for getting out. It took me a long time, but I got there eventually. In the meantime, let him go to his concert and try to minimize the impact on you. Is there anyone else who can help you with the party? Does it have to be big?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2024 23:47

NoIdeaWhatImDoin · 16/01/2024 23:42

The kids. A custody battle would affect them so much at this point.
Number 2 was an unexpected arrival just as we had agreed to get divorced. So somewhere in my head I feel as though we are meant to somehow try and work this out

Growing up in a household with parents who detest each other will affect them far more.

PriOn1 · 16/01/2024 23:50

Cross posted. You can’t make it work on your own. Both have to be on board. And growing up with a dad in a house that didn’t like them much really wasn’t good for my children. Avoiding the custody battle didn’t help.

Does he want to fix it too? Do you think he loves the children or does he resent them for “tying him down”?

Can you tell us more in general? The party situation on its own doesn’t sound so bad to me, but I understand it can be just one signpost among many of a more general lack of interest or respect.

Lololulululululu · 17/01/2024 09:46

This. I'd be upset and disappointed too. Your feelings are valid and he is being selfish.

Sophierx89 · 17/01/2024 09:48

Could he help to clear up after the party before he goes to the concert assuming it's at your house if you are being left to clean up? My partner went away to a stag do while it was my daughter's birthday party but it was at a soft play it didn't bother me.

Lifeisapeach · 17/01/2024 09:48

Ask him to help with the clear up before he goes. Babies will be in bed most of the time he’s gone.

really don’t see a huge deal here,

Summerscoming23 · 17/01/2024 09:54

I cansee how you would be upset,especially if you thought you'd sit down and do something the 2 of you once the kids were sleeping but if this wasn't communicated to him he probably thinks doing nothing wrong.

We had my sons 1st birthday 11am-1pm suited naps for him and his cousins all a similar age! Could you do similar? Maybe get a chippy tea or a late lunch then he could go on?

MorningSunshineSparkles · 17/01/2024 09:56

Your relationships over and you’re both wanting to divorce but are staying together for the sake of the kids since you had to vacate your homeland? I’d say wave him off with a smile and have a lovely evening to yourself without him.

DottyLottieLou · 17/01/2024 09:56

It's fine as long as he helps clear up before he goes. If he can't he can do it when he gets back.

user1492757084 · 17/01/2024 10:01

Your husband seems dismissive of your son's birthday and the fact that you are organising a special day.
Your son will not miss his Dad and will have a great day.
Organise the party for late moring and finishing early afternoon.
Suggest that you might like to also attand the concert if you think you would. Your DH seems a bit selfish so he should tidy up the following day.

Umidontknow · 17/01/2024 10:02

I'm guessing there is much more to this than him wanting to go out in the evening on that day? If he is normally helpful and supportive I can't see it as too much of a problem, but if he isn't I can see why it would be the final straw.

ALJT · 17/01/2024 10:06

If he’s there for the day I don’t see the issue. But it doesn’t matter what others think. Your feelings are valid x