Husband wants to go for a show on our sons first birthday 🎉

[NoIdeaWhatImDoin]

Ok so long winded situation but in a nutshell
we have two kids, youngest is turning one in a month.
have had major issues between us which has left us with lots of baggage and husband not willing to see a therapist.
now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert with friends on the night of our sons first birthday. His rational being that “I don’t like birthday parties anyway” and “party will
be in the afternoon and im only going out at night”
I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

have a history of being over sensitive about similar issues so just wanted to get an opinion on it
am I being dramatic when I get so upset by it?

This is a non-issue in my opinion. I would expect him to actively help you with the party set up though and you can use the opportunity to negotiate 2 days where he does the childcare in return.

No issue, he’s there daytime and parties are usually 2 hours and early, so he can help square up and be out by 6.

I remember my ex planning an early morning fishing trip on kids first birthday and turning up just as things getting started smelling of beer and fish. He then was astounded that I was mad and spent the evening drinking in the yard with his mates while I put baby to bed.

it was my final straw, and he has not attended a birthday party since. They’ve all been endlessly more enjoyable and I’ve never looked back.
was never about her party and always about the lack of fucks given.

tou are not u reasonable for having higher expectations but you are unreasonable for thinking that pointing this out to him will change anything.

being a single parent is not the worst thing that can happen to you.

good luck x

I'd have an issue if he wanted to miss the party, but going afterwards in the evening?
Couldn't you just ask him to help tidy the next day?

Of course you're not being unreasonable, and you wouldn't be unreasonable to laugh at all the posts suggesting it's absolutely fine for you to be left to set everything to rights again with two kids.

I'd say if you're in a happy and loving relationship with plenty of give and take then this wouldn't be an issue. He'd be coming to you saying - there's a concert I really want to go to. I promise I will be around for the party. And you'd be saying - ay alright then but you're not leaving me with all the tidying up and getting a lie in the next day. You better be up with them etc etc.
Or you'd say - oh come on it's his first birthday, it means a lot to me and he'd be like - alright then -and he'd look for another time to go.

So I can't say if yabu or not - probably boils down to the overall state of your relationship and how much you feel taken for granted over a prolonged period of time.

On the face of it I wouldn't mind my husband going but I would be annoyed about being left to do everything - so I'd want some reassurance that, that wasn't going to be the case.

It’s a hard one, and I do empathise.

Is it that you resent him having a good time when you’re not? Perhaps have a girlie night out so that he bathed and put children to bed.

Could you ask mums to help you tidy up? Or could you leave the tidying up for your husband when he comes home?

Interesting that you say hubby needs a therapist. Do you have one?

It's never about the party. You could have a special low-key day with your youngsters and hold "the party" on a separate day. I suspect you either feel your husband is not pulliing his weight as a dad, and/or he's rebelling at losing his youth and freedom. Maybe pick your battles and set your boundaries? Decide what is important to you on a weekly, monthly and yearly basis. Maybe it's a big fuss on Mother's Day? And dad taking sole responsibility for the kids one weekend per month, while you pick another weekend, and share the other two? And dad taking responsibility for certain weekly chores? Once you've worked out what you want in your family life, ask dad what he wants. Give him time to think about his list. But if there are do-able things you can both agree on, your DC might grow up with less stress and tension in the home.

The child won’t care.

The question is, would he do the same for you in another situation? If not, then you are right to be resentful. But if he would, then be kind and do the clearing up alone.

First of all. I'm guessing you will have other parents staying at the party too. Perhaps they can help with the children or serve food to children,supervise visit to the loo if older siblings are present . That takes a bit of pressure off yourself. Set a doable time span for the party. Pre 2's don't require an all afternoon event, that just tends to become more about the adult. Suggest 1pm til 3pm .A bit of a play,birthday tea,cake,. Thanks for coming. Home. As for you DH. Tell him to enjoy the concert but not too much as you will be going out for coffee and getting your nails hair whatever done next day.So he will need to be clear headed to take care of the DC.

I think you should let him go on the proviso that you of course get the equivalent time away from the kids to do something nice with your friends. All parents need a break.

So many people here are focussing so much on the child and not enough on OP.

The first birthday is a celebration for the parents, you did it for a whole year. With one child or more.

You did it together, survived it, (hopefully) enjoyed it.

Our family lives for live music, i. Fact I’m taking my 12y DS to his first ever concert tomorrow.

I asked DH if he would have gone to a show on DS’s first birthday, his response “not without you”. For me that says it all.

YANBU!!!

The first birthday is a celebration for the parents, you did it for a whole year. With one child or more

Since when? Is this a new fangled thing that has sprung up with a generation where every kid got a participation prize?

This is when I really miss my nanna’s and mum. When I can just imagine reading Mumsnet posts out to people who survived two world wars, a pandemic and the Great Depression. I would give anything to see their faces when confronted with conundrums about 1yo birthday parties ‘for parents’, cake smashes and 1001 other pearls thrown up here. They were truly sensible people and I so wish they could have experienced much of this site🤣.

YABU. It sounds like your marriage is together for visa reasons, but from a practical perspective you are co-parenting from the same house. You’d both planned to divorce, and then didn’t because circumstances changed. It seems you see this as - a sign to continue the marriage. How does he see it? That’s worth digging into (after the party). It may be that he sees continuing the legal arrangement as necessary for his children’s welfare, or he sees it as well if I went ahead with the divorce he/you/children could be deported and so while not ideal it’s just the way it is and we just need to manage as best we can. I can he’ll wonder if you see it as marriage saved but still rocky, but he sees it as marriage over waiting out the legal stuff.

It’s completely reasonable for him to want to spend time with his friends and his support network. The fact that hours earlier will be his son’s birthday party is irrelevant.

He’s coming to your thing so there’ll be photos of him and DS for the album. But other than about 20min this party is about what you want. And he’s not interfering or opposing that!

Now, if you aren’t given the opportunity to spend time with your support network, or are always left to organise and execute everything that would be a different thing, and not really about the concert.

It's not that hard to put 2 kids to bed by yourself for one night.
Do you have a nanny?

Bet it's most nights actually.

Let him go OP and put him on 100% parental duties for the next weekend.
His attitude to that will tell you all you need to know.

Let him go to the show. There’s no point in quibbling this sort of stuff; if it is yet more evidence of him being an inadequate father and husband, just pull the rug from the whole shebang and end the marriage.

I’d just
let him do what he wants… but I would be putting kids to bed then going to bed myself… the tidying up can wait and he can help the next day!
I would still divorce, your home situation sounds awful and will be impacting the children far more than a separation would…. Don’t let your children grow up thinking that this sort of relationship should be tolerated or is normal.