Am i being u reasonable not doing dinner for my 18 year old step daughter?

[Natz281092]

Long story short, my 18 year old step daughter of 12 years does nothing, no job no education and doesnt lift a finger around the house. I have 3 other children and another step daughter. They all have their chores i.e unload dishwasher, sweep floor help clean table and they all do it. Thier ages are 4, 5, 6 and 12 they all do there bit, but my 18 year old has not done nothing in over two years. I stopped doing her washing 4 months ago cause i never even got a thank you. She does nothing me and her dad have tried our hardest to support her but she has been so disrespectful and also bullies her younger siblings. I cook our children thier dinner earlier than mine and thier dads and often we offered to her she said "i will eat it later" and then it would go to waste and she would never clean her plate. So now i dont dish her up a plate, i always cook extra anyways but as i dont put it on a plate for her she will cook herself noodles and then go eat her room which she knows she isint aloud to do as she caused a mice problem last year. And as she knows she isint aloud she waits for me and her dad to go to bed. So im sorry if its too much but am i being unreasonable to stop doing her dinners?

YANBU at all. She’s 18 and can cook herself for if she’s hungry.

What are her plans for the future?

Plating up her dinner when half the time she doesn't eat it? No, stop that.

Cooking a little extra in case she wants some? Yes, I'd still do that.

But dinner is a tiny part of a massive issue. Doing small, slightly passive aggressive things is not doing anything. You need to have an actual plan, with DH and her. Look at the next three years and work out what she is doing and what will happen if she doesn't.

Nothing she has no goals or career ambition

YANBU. Stupid to waste food.

Is she with you full time? What’s her dad doing to get her planning for her future? Has she ever worked? Got qualifications?

You have to put a stop to her bullying the other children. If she can’t be decent to them she can move out. She’s an adult even if she’s a bit helpless, your small kids have no option and need and deserve to be safe and happy in their home.

I usually allways cook too much anyways but its the fact that if she does plate herself some food she either goes to eat in her bedroom and i dont see the plate for months or she leaves it on the side knowing ive done dishes before ive gone bed.

Did she just graduate high school last year or did she drop out?

I'd tell her that she's welcome to help herself to dinner when she goes for her ramen. I think it's kind to remind her and at the same time abiuds waste

Just seen you other reply yes she is with us full time has been for 7 years and then 4 years ago her mum died but never really tried with her we have. We have done countless things to help her i.e got her a job at mcdonalds and she lasted a week. We have had social services involved multiple times due to her behaviour in and out of college and multiple accusations about multiple different family member and people and has never once apologised for anything that she has put us through.
She hasn't done anything physical to her siblings but emotionally there has been major problems for example showing her at the time 10 year old sister naked pics of her and her boyfriend, said that her sister was lying did a runner and when cleaning her room i found said pics. There is so much, too much that has happened to go into. She tried getting me and her dad to kick her out before she turned 18 by kicking off so she would get a house what she thinks would of happened that is. But we have braved through it. Obviously me and her dad dont want to see her on the streets either.

Is she depressed? Has she had counselling or support since her mum died.
i get the frustration you’re facing but it seems deeper

She dropped out of college, i have said multiple times about food on the side if she wants it but like i said she either ends up eating in her room so i dont see the plate for months, or she puts it on the side when she knows I've just done dishes before bed.

She doesn't eat your dinner anyway so no, you aren't being unreasonable.

She needs a job and to enter the real world. Stop paying for her things, phone, clothes, makeup ect is all a thing she should pay for.

Things you could provide is essentials, food and basic hygiene products.

I would also maybe speak to careers advisor/ healthy family team (think they cover up to 19 year olds) to see what other support she can access/ encouragement into either work or study. She has to do something or what will her future actually be?

She hasn't done anything physical to her siblings but emotionally there has been major problems for example showing her at the time 10 year old sister naked pics of her and her boyfriend, said that her sister was lying did a runner and when cleaning her room i found said pics.

Dinner is the least of your worries, this is extremely worrying behaviour. She doesn't sound like she should be living with her younger siblings tbh.

Has she grieved for her mother?

she sounds like incredibly hard work but I also
think 11 is a terrible age to lose your mother.

She has had multiple counselling sessions even before her mum and she went on camps and had surfing lessons for 12 weeks with them. After her mum she didn't want counselling and tried to persuade her sister not have any as "they are crap" her sister was 9 at the time and did have a good relationship with her mum. We have said on multiple occasions that she needs help as her behaviour has not changed and its now affecting her siblings and her answer is always you cant force me and i dont give a s*it about anyone else. Another note we did get her a docs appointment as i was worried about bipolar or split personality and depression but they said she is fine and just needs someone to talk to. And straight she said no to the doctor.

If she’d gone to uni she’d be cooking every single meal, doing all her own laundry and probably a fair bit of cleaning…or failing to do that and simply starving and living like a pig. She’s an adult and it’s your house. You aren’t her servant. YANBU.

I agree, she was 13, i think some of it is guilt cause she didnt want to see her mum at all for 2 years before she died. But she has always expressed hate for her.

She will continue like this is forever because she can.

Make her homeless. She will have to stand on her own two feet and I bet she will.

She sounds like there is a lot going on. You sound thoroughly sick and tired of her. Are you?
I think you need to change things up a bit and stop treating her how you have always treated her. Let her take food into her room but say if the plate is not returned to kitchen, you will be coming into the room to get it. There would be no naked boyfriends in the house until she pulls her weight.

You also need to be kinder to her; your enmity flies from your post. If you don’t like other people’s kids ( and tbf I don’t!} don’t get involved with a man who has kids.

What does she do for money? Maybe if you are giving her money it could be dependant on a small list of chores each week and given at the end of any week she's completed them.

I usually side with the DSC on threads like these but it sounds like the OP has been too tolerant, this adult is being emotionally abusive to her DCs!

Imagine what the responses would be if a male adult SC was showing his younger siblings naked photos, they would (rightly) be saying he needs to move out, not that he needs empathy.

This 👆, she's an adult and you are enabling her behaviour. She either needs to get a job and contribute to chores or move out.

She's holding on to trauma and is probably depressed. I'd quit cooking for her but her dad (not you) should be facilitating help for her. 18 is still young if technical and adult.

Their is alot going on and tbh we were so close for a while and then when she got older she didnt like it when i said no. I was no longer mum then i was nothing to do with her which after 12 years of being a part of her life broke me. But unfortunately it doesnt just end with me she has accused her dad of strangling her police were involved and was very much proven to be wrong when he was at work at the supposed time. And then all the outburst she has had infront of my other children and has scared them on multiple occasions. This all stemmed from her first phone getting taken off her because she was a 12 year old talking to older random men and telling them our address and sent photos of our younger children. She had it taken away for 2 months becoz trust was broken. Also i have gone into her bedroom to take plates coz at one point i ran out and she said you can take the rest i.e glasses and cups.

When she turned 18 she got her savings that me and her dad and her grandparents did when she was younger

years and then 4 years ago her mum died

She is evidently in a form of mourning that is showing itself as powerlessness, lethargy and sulky anger. Is there any chance of getting her involved in something/anything she cares about, plus counselling g?