Am i being u reasonable not doing dinner for my 18 year old step daughter?

[Natz281092]

Long story short, my 18 year old step daughter of 12 years does nothing, no job no education and doesnt lift a finger around the house. I have 3 other children and another step daughter. They all have their chores i.e unload dishwasher, sweep floor help clean table and they all do it. Thier ages are 4, 5, 6 and 12 they all do there bit, but my 18 year old has not done nothing in over two years. I stopped doing her washing 4 months ago cause i never even got a thank you. She does nothing me and her dad have tried our hardest to support her but she has been so disrespectful and also bullies her younger siblings. I cook our children thier dinner earlier than mine and thier dads and often we offered to her she said "i will eat it later" and then it would go to waste and she would never clean her plate. So now i dont dish her up a plate, i always cook extra anyways but as i dont put it on a plate for her she will cook herself noodles and then go eat her room which she knows she isint aloud to do as she caused a mice problem last year. And as she knows she isint aloud she waits for me and her dad to go to bed. So im sorry if its too much but am i being unreasonable to stop doing her dinners?

Showing naked pictures to a 10 year old is a form of sexual abuse so it's child abuse. For that alone she needs to leave because the younger siblings are not safe around her. If one of the siblings says anything at school, then your children will be considered to have suffered child abuse

Thanks for your comment she has a fridge and kettle 18th bday presents. We are quite lucky were we live as we all have double rooms with ensuites so they are all "better" rooms. Also just to add she does have her own money as when she turned 18 she got her savings that me, her dad and grandparents set up for her.

I am sorry for your loss, losing a child is a completely different kettle of fish, unique in its pain and agony.

Would she go back to art college? She must want something, even if it is not to be miserable. If she has buy in and some control over her future she will not fight and refuse you and her Dad every step of the way.

An alcoholic mum that neglects you and plays favourites is abusive btw. It doesn’t sound as horrific as the abuse you suffered, but it’s on the scale.

She was telling her sister her truth. Yes it’s not what you think her sister should hear, but you can’t really punish a child that is hurting for being honest. That would be a good moment to tell both of them yes therapy can be crap. It doesn’t always get it right, that’s why you have to not give up on it. It’s the same with medication for mental illness, different ones work for different people.

There is no reason why dishes would be in a room for a month. That’s what a depressed person ends up doing, dad should be stepping up and going in and getting the dishes out once a day. She needs support, not punishment.

If you stopped doing her washing simply because (in your own words) she didn't thank you, I think you are being far too harsh. Is the 12 year old her full sister?

When you started dating this man when this 12 year old child was a newborn what did you think was going to happen? And, yes I think you are out of order to stop making her (18 year old) meals. She needs support and kindness, although I think you and your boyfriend/her father have left it far too late.

She did it when she was 16!! And the photos could have been of her being underage (being raped).

You don’t ignore something that happened two years ago and then kick them out as soon as they are 18.

I am wondering why you are so concerned about a 10yr old seeing photos of nudity but not about the potentially underage girl that was in the photos, naked, and presumably having sex.

How is she not safe around younger siblings? She was the girl in the photo that was at a maximum barely 16, potentially younger. She was the victim. She is not an abuser.

She just turned 17 and she only had the printer for 2 weeks (bday presents) and the boy she was with was just 16 they where together 6 months nd she is older

Then how is the 10yr old now a 12yr old if this happened when she was 17 and she is 18 now?

It's obvious you're struggling but so is she. And she has been troubled and unhappy since before she was a teenager. You need some conversations with her and her father about what she wants from life - her savings won't last forever. This isn't something which will be sorted with one chat either. When she says "Throw me out and I'll get a council house" calmly help her to investigate social housing in your area - how they're allocated, waiting lists, costs, where young single people are temporarily housed. Presumably she is coping with her own laundry since you stopped doing it, so congratulate her if that's the case. It's not much but better than nothing. If she ever returns a cup to the kitchen or rinses her plate say thanks, I know it's the least she can do but you need to find something she's not doing wrong. And she needs therapy/counselling because she can't do this alone (probably her sister does too or will do in the future).

She can't endanger your other children though so it's a difficult path to tread

Sorry should i have put her birth date she has turned 18 in the past 2 months

How much money did she get when she turned 18? Is it likely to runout? If yes when?

Sorry should i have put her birth date she has turned 18 in the past 2 months

As she was a child, it’s not prosecutable as child abuse. Because children are presumed to not know they are doing something wrong when it comes to sharing photos of themselves. It’s a stretch for posters to say she is not safe to be around her sister based on this.

That doesn’t add up. The 12yr old was 10yrs old when this happened, but the just turned 18yr old was 17yrs old? Whatever. She was a child, she’s not culpable. And it doesn’t make her into a child abuser ffs

Everything you put is spot on i have done her washing she takes it to her boyfriend and his mum washes it. We have lived in our house for nearly a year with be a year in feb and she has never washed a plated or cup. Her sister does do counselling for her mum and she was burned over 40% of her body in her mums care at the age of 7. Her sister bullys her for this. Her scars and the fact "she cant wear shorts of skirts coz boys with be disgusted " so yer i am struggling and her dad is even more. Its makes me more upset seeing him trying and trying and then he breaks down

I never called her a abuser

This is a sad story. It sounds Lile you are trying but not much working yet. Keep trying. Keep showing up and modelling good behaviour to her. There is a world of pain for her to get through but what would really help would be a sense of purpose. If she has money could it go towards a healing type holiday for say her and her sister?

I would worry when the money runs out as if she has no access to money it may escalate.

How did she do in her GCSE’s or high school equivalent if you are not in the UK?

You aren’t but other posters are. Sorry I didn’t mean you.

I completely understand what you are saying and i will. I dont know for how much longer. Her sister doesnt want to go anywhere near her anymore due to the things she says i.e the bulling about her lil sisters burn scars

Your step daughter sounds like hard work and it must be frustrating. Tiring also running a house with 5 children ( the rest of whom seem on board and great).
The only question you should ask yourself is, would you stop cooking dinner for your maternal children in they behaved like this? My question comes from a good place as I have step children too and sometimes when it’s too much I ask myself would I treat my own any different? Because I want to be fair to them. As a step parent I get it ( we get worried about bad press) my partners ex wife sends orders for me to wash her daughters hair which is long, curly and difficult to manage when she can’t be arsed yet she will critisize me if she falls out with my partner. I used to stand in the shower with step daughter every day on holiday washing hair after the beach and I also made her hair better by putting in treatments which her mother now uses for her fair head! Not even a thank you!
sorry for my rant and good luck!

I think this behaviour is all about her losing her mum, the worst thing that can happen to you as a child. On top of that she will have terrible guilt about not having spoken to her.

can you go to Family therapy as she won’t have individual counselling?

She sounds really unhappy and depressed. Her father needs to spend quality time with her and perhaps go to family therapy with her.

She is bereaved! And 'multiple accusations' children offen accuse a safe adult when they have been abused, she probably has been abused. She really needs help

So she experienced harm in her mother’s care and then suffered the trauma of the death of her mother. Following this, from a very young age she was vulnerable to exploitation by older men online and I’m assuming that vulnerability is in part because of low self esteem if she was noticeably the least liked by her mother. She also appears unable to have healthy relationships (letting big decisions about college be influenced by a new shallow relationship). You can’t help but feel for the poor girl.

She clearly needs a lot of support so it’s a shame she doesn’t feel able to engage with support. In the absence of that happening I think you need to find a balance between making her feel loved and secure and improving her self esteem, but also putting in boundaries, consequences and expectations so her behaviour doesn’t negatively impact you all. It’s therefore reasonable not to make her dinner, but maybe communicate to her that that doesn’t represent you not caring about her, and it’s just a desire not to waste food. In time she’ll hopefully feel able to address what’s happened to her but it may be that that’s a few years down the line.

Do you think she might be autistic