Am i being u reasonable not doing dinner for my 18 year old step daughter?

[Natz281092]

Long story short, my 18 year old step daughter of 12 years does nothing, no job no education and doesnt lift a finger around the house. I have 3 other children and another step daughter. They all have their chores i.e unload dishwasher, sweep floor help clean table and they all do it. Thier ages are 4, 5, 6 and 12 they all do there bit, but my 18 year old has not done nothing in over two years. I stopped doing her washing 4 months ago cause i never even got a thank you. She does nothing me and her dad have tried our hardest to support her but she has been so disrespectful and also bullies her younger siblings. I cook our children thier dinner earlier than mine and thier dads and often we offered to her she said "i will eat it later" and then it would go to waste and she would never clean her plate. So now i dont dish her up a plate, i always cook extra anyways but as i dont put it on a plate for her she will cook herself noodles and then go eat her room which she knows she isint aloud to do as she caused a mice problem last year. And as she knows she isint aloud she waits for me and her dad to go to bed. So im sorry if its too much but am i being unreasonable to stop doing her dinners?

So much pain and unhappiness for all of you. If you can, try to let go of some of the stuff that doesn't matter so much. Leaving a dirty plate when you have done the washing up? Either she is simply thoughtless or struggling to find something to be childishly annoying - you can choose to see it as a compliment to your cooking and at least its not attracting vermin in her bedroom.

How heartless! And I bet she won't - how would she pay her bills?

As a 12 year old she was groomed by adults - she needs help not punishment

It does seem that she might not have been coping very well since her mum’s death. She sounds depressed bless her and has lost her way.

Does she join in with family days out/board games/meals out at restaurants etc? If not, could you see if you could have more of those or just watching a family movie at a weekend etc and encourage her to be more involved? Have once she’s feeling a bit more immersed in the family goings on, she might feel more inclined to start helping out if you ask her.

She did that when she was a child herself

It doesn’t sound at all pleasant. More like picking them up like a bin bag of rubbish and tossing them out of the house.

More hyperbole 🙄

The 16 year old 'someone' as you're calling her would go either to a family member/family friend, or failing that SS would need to get involved.

Either way, while she's abusing the younger children in the house, she wouldn't get to live in it.

Yes i would treat my children exactly the same i have raised my step kids( i have 3 ones already moved out he is 20 and has a job gf and a place. ) i have raised them longer than my own children this isnthe first time ive called them step children because they are all my children. She sed to be amazing, kind, attentive and help me alot when i lost my first child. I have said this to her on multiple occasions. But its seems since college year 7 she started going of the rails. Yes i have also been in similar situations when their mum was alive.

I'm sorry, what???

Did you just say it's not abuse?

So you'd be perfectly happy for your 10 year old children to be shown naked photos of a boyfriend and girlfriend and you wouldn't consider your children were being abused?

Jesus wept.

Oh OP, the more I hear the more i think this sounds like a terrible mess and that she’s really vulnerable.

I know it’s a shit situation for you (and really annoying) but I’m inclined to think she needs help.

min one of your PPs you’ve said she had a good relationship with her mum and then she didn’t see her for two years. Do you think she’s riddled with guilt and grief and this is how it’s manifesting?

no real advice but I hope it all works out and she gets the help she needs

We haver never once left her out we have had to cancel holidays and bday parties becoz she didnt want to come. We have movie nights every other week on Saturday and everytime we ask her. She has a boyfriend so she must speak to him 24/7

It is such a difficult situation for you all. I was just wondering if you spend time together? Maybe lunch and shopping, just the two of you, so she has your full attention and hopefully strengthen your bond together.

Thank you , yes she didnt see her mum for the 2 years previous maybe at most 3 times a year but she was with us full time before hand as her and her mum used to "clash" im sorry if it doesnt make sense its just a lot of stuff that has gone on.

There's so much going on here, I really think not eating dinner and/or leaving dishes on the side after you go to bed is a bit of a distraction. I'd pick your battles, let that stuff slide for now and focus on the bigger issues (led by her father).

TBH I think it was a mistake handing her a pot of savings to live off, because financial incentives (an allowance or a job) would have been a useful motivator. But it's too late now I suppose - until she runs out.

What a poor decision to give her access to savings at eighteen when that is when she should have been spurred on to be working.
Make a plan for her as an adult house guest.
Stipulate a monthly amount that she needs to pay for lodging.
(You can choose to keep some of that aside for her without her knowing.)
Always dish her up some of the same food as you and your husband have - she is an adult and eating with the younger ones is a bit off. If she doesn't eat it, put it in the fridge.

Ask her to cook twice a week, pick up groceries, clean the bathroom that she uses and her room and continue to do her own washing. Teach her some outside chores like mowing the lawn.
SD needs to discuss her mood with a doctor so I would make her attendance for a medical check up mandatory for her to keep living there. She might be depressed, on the wrong contraceptive or have a mental health disorder. It is important that she behaves like a safe and kind adult around the kids.

State the aims of adulthood to her:

• that she behaves kindly to others.
• that she becomes responsible for her health.
• that she learns how to cook healthy meals.
• that she is responsible for her own cleaning.
• that she contributes to communal chores.
• that she plans daily exercise or a walk.
• that she becomes independent with driving.
• that she gets a job and earns some money.
• that she makes a plan for the next two years.
• that she pays lodging and behaves like an adult or she moves out.

She can not reside in a home where she is bullying siblings. It is reasonable that she moves out.

I just want to say we didnt have a choice regarding her savings no matter what we said once she is 18 she has access we could not tell the bank to not give it its all in her name and all she had to do was show i.d to get it. We didnt even know until she already done it

Apologies @Natz281092 i wasn’t meaning you are purposely leaving her out of family things. I meant if she was not joining in herself, whether trying to get her to join more would help. I wasn’t saying you’re not doing things with her 😊

Thanks most of this has been said in previous post i know it hard to see it all im struggling to keep up. We had rules in place pretty much the same but she hasnt done any of it and im afriad to say that we cant stand up to her coz then she will kick off and we live right next to our landlords and with how she has been previously thier will most likely be a police presence. Ive said in previous that she has been to the doctors no help there. She has to get checkups with blood pressure as she is on the pill.

OP I’m sure you’re doing your best for her.

its difficult to get a full picture/situation from a mumsnet post. Things are so nuanced but honestly well done for helping her as much as you can. None of this sounds easy and I’m sure it takes its toll on you.

I suppose just keep on keeping on, get her the help she needs and look after yourself and your other kids

Thanks 😢 its so hard trying to explain everything to strangers and try and do it in a way people will understand but i think this i what ive need ive read every comment and i know i have done 99% of what people have suggested that is possible.

I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone even the comments i didnt like, you took the time to read and comment and give advice. Its so hard trying to explain everything to strangers and try and do it in a way people will understand but i think this i what ive needed ive read every comment and i know i have done 99% of what people have suggested that is possible. So thank you

Wow!!! Stop, Just stop.

She is 18,

Let her live on Pot Noodles and toast for now. Don't force the argument.

The bullying of the younger siblings would worry me more. If you accommodate her then she needs to back off the rest of the family.

She was 17. The people defending this are ridiculous. We all know that if it was a 17 year old boy showing those sort of photos to a 10 year old that people would be absolutely disgusted.

What a terribly bitchy comment to make! OP, you have such a lot on your plate, please disregard AAT65's nasty remark about learning to spell! AAT65 should be ashamed of themselves! OP, you're doing your best, big hugs. I couldn't read and run, you don't deserve a verbal kicking!

Maybe you could learn to be human and have empathy instead of delighting over a few misspells. I mean, REALLY?

Three and a half pages of questions and helpful advice and then a "learn to spell then learn to communicate with a child.." post which is not helpful, insightful or of any use to anyone, ever.

Also, the young adult is NOT traumatized by the family situation she is in NOW. But hey, great job of not reading all the posts!