Am i being u reasonable not doing dinner for my 18 year old step daughter?

[Natz281092]

Long story short, my 18 year old step daughter of 12 years does nothing, no job no education and doesnt lift a finger around the house. I have 3 other children and another step daughter. They all have their chores i.e unload dishwasher, sweep floor help clean table and they all do it. Thier ages are 4, 5, 6 and 12 they all do there bit, but my 18 year old has not done nothing in over two years. I stopped doing her washing 4 months ago cause i never even got a thank you. She does nothing me and her dad have tried our hardest to support her but she has been so disrespectful and also bullies her younger siblings. I cook our children thier dinner earlier than mine and thier dads and often we offered to her she said "i will eat it later" and then it would go to waste and she would never clean her plate. So now i dont dish her up a plate, i always cook extra anyways but as i dont put it on a plate for her she will cook herself noodles and then go eat her room which she knows she isint aloud to do as she caused a mice problem last year. And as she knows she isint aloud she waits for me and her dad to go to bed. So im sorry if its too much but am i being unreasonable to stop doing her dinners?

@Natz281092 It sounds like many of the family are hurting. I like the fact that you make enough food, so if your DSD wants to have some, it is available.
As a PP mentioned, maybe let your DH clean out her room of dirty dishes every day so you don't attract insects/mice.
I am heartbroken for all of you, as this must be a tough road to walk. Don't give up on the 18-yr-old. It almost sounds like she is being nasty so that everyone turns against her, when she really wants the opposite. Not sure how to explain it, but it seems she is turning people against her as a self-fulfilling prophecy, because she feels they will at some point anyway, so she'll do it first. Deep down, she is hurt that her DM died before they could fix their relationship, so she is trying to not have relationships with anyone that really loves her.
Keep trying to get her counselling help. Sometimes it takes a while until you find the person you "click with". When/if she finds that person, in time she will start to feel better about herself, which will translate into her feeling better about everyone else close to her.

I also wanted to express to you how sorry I am about the loss of your DD. I cannot imagine your pain or the never-ending heart-ache. I hope you have also gotten some counselling to help with healing.

Keep trying with DSD, continue to fight for her mental health and her self-esteem, as you have been doing. Take care of yourself and your other children, so they can see that you don't give up on any of them.

Horrible comment
You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
MN at its worst

Its.called Child on Child abuse and bullying

This!
It's child on child abuse!

Your dsd is obviously really hurting. I don’t think creating a hard line will help in this situation as there appears to be a lot of trauma and by the sound of it abuse from your stepchildren’s mother. A lot to unpack.

Twelve is an incredibly difficult age to lose one of your parents, especially one you were estranged from. Her younger sister will have taken help as she was devastatingly physically affected, and a child, more malleable at the time.

I also think that you need family therapy even if she won’t engage. And I really hope your family is complete. Having more children when the existing ones were already traumatised will not have been easy on any of the children, including yours.

The point still stands. It is a form of abuse. If the school were to get wind of this it would be a referral that would be taken quite seriously.

OP all of this to me is screaming a child that has suffered with CSA. I hope I’m wrong.

My eldest half sister went through a very similar experience to your SD. Also she was sexually abused and her mum committed suicidal when she was 12. She went on to have multiple problems in her life, alcoholism and died way before her time.

You sound a lot like my parents. The ongoing rhetoric of she’s had multiple counselling sessions, she’s had this opportunity, she’s had that. It’s all so mechanical, clinical and shallow. You’ve let your hurt and your resilience take over in a way you wouldn’t with your own.

I’ll tell you what she hasn’t had, what she desperately needs and what, if she doesn’t get, will lead to a very similar life to my sister’s: unconditional love.

I grew up there being a constant war between my Mum and sister. My Mum constantly saying “she’s had counselling”. But did she ever take her one on one on a day out, no she blames her and was dismissive of her. When she hit the awkward teenage years she didn’t create a bond, just constantly treated her as a dysfunctional burden when her behaviour was crying for help. My Mum said to me when she died “I don’t feel as awful about it as if you or (other sister had died”.

A life of constant rejection from the people who are meant to care for her. Your poor SD. I really hope it’s not too late for you to make amends.

Agreed. Especially the photo sharing.

Desperate for the one thing she hasn’t had: love and attention.

Apologies if it has been said, but it seems a real possibility that she has been sexually abused at some point. Or at the very least exposed to something very inappropriate.

The vulnerability to grooming, the showing pics of herself and bf to sister (who the hell would do that? Someone who has picked up some odd boundaries and norms).

Hope things improve for everyone.

Another thing my Mum would say is I cooked for her, taught her to read, raised her from a young age, etc. Again quite clinical.

If her personality changed year 7 I wonder if she was groomed or something sinister and she was too vulnerable/no resilience to resist and get help.

@user1492757084

Nice 'to do' list for the OP but totally unrealistic for this situation.

I haven’t read everyone’s replies but wanted you to know that from your first couple of posts I thought this sounded like a child with a history of developmental trauma. And then you confirmed it.

Bonding issues between her and her mum (she loved the others more)
alcoholic mum.
relationship with mum fraught
mum died

I would hazard a guess that there is more. The fact that she was so sexualised and at risk of sexual exploitation is often linked to sexual abuse (but can be just the developmental trauma above).

Our early experiences shape our sense of ourselves, others and the world.

She has learned
I am unloveable (even by the one person in the world who is most likely to love me)
Others are unpredictable (mum being an alcoholic - may be volatile relationship before her mum and dad split so may be dad not always emotionally available?)
The world is unpredictable and unsafe (being moved around, mums death)

I would view these behaviours as a kind of ‘push you and keep you away because I’m scared you won’t love me/you’ll leave me. As self neglect because she feels worthless. She is probably drowning out awful feelings by immersing herself in screen use.

Boundaries still matter but she needs you and her dad to hang in there. Maintain that relationship despite her attempts to push you away.

It is definitely a form of abuse and would definitely be a referral.

What about art therapy? I wonder if she will engage with that as you mentioned she is fantastic at art and if that might be
a less scary way for her to start processing her feelings rather than sat in front of someone and having to ‘talk’.

She is crying out for help and at the same time rejecting it.

OP she is in pain, that's obvious.

I'm sorry I can't offer some practical help.

She sounds utterly depressed tbh

I see that mum was an alcoholic. Was she drinking before she had the children? I’m just wondering if anyone has ever looked at the possibility that your stepdaughter might have foetal alcohol syndrome? It can affect behaviour. I have an adopted child with FAS and some of these behaviour patterns are sounding quite familiar. It may not be, but it might be worth reading up on just in case.

I don't think this is a good response.

She is displaying a lot of self destructive behaviour. Make her homeless and she will be a total lost cause.

Perhaps she doesn't feel worthy of kindness and all your efforts (which I think have been the correct way to treat her) perhaps highlight this. She is obviously in need of help, probably more than you can offer her.

She lost her mum at a pivotal time in her life. Teenage years are the hardest, trying to find identity, navigate becoming a grown up with huge feelings. Perhaps she felt alone a log time before her mum died. The relationship with mum sounds very strained.

I don't know what advice to give but I think kicking her out isn't a good option and might make her believe even more that she isn't worthy of love.

Her behaviour isn’t that unusual for someone her age - it’s annoying but my main concern would be supporting her following the loss of her mum. I can’t imagine how devastating that would be for someone so young, no wonder she has no drive or ambition, especially being the eldest, so much is expected of you. Has she had counselling (or the whole family)?

This

You can't underestimate the trauma of losing your mother at such a vulnerable age. The poor girl.

I'm not excusing her behaviour but this runs much deeper. She needs support. Unless people have walked in her shoes they can't possibly understand.

So i wanted to give a sort of update, i contacted her bf to see if he could get her out the house for a couple hours as she hasnt been out in over 4 weeks. She used to stay his all the time but is no longer aloud due to them arguing and her telling his parents to f off. I went in her room this morning probaly too early and she shouted why the f am i talking to her bf i also tried to pick up plates and stuff and she got violent saying "did i give you permission to take those" admittedly i probably said the wrong thing saying she doesnt pay for the plates and then she lashed out hitting me across my face. Her dad was at work at this time my my youngest is still home so i walked away and just rang him. I didnt want my youngest to be aware. Im not sure whats going to happen. I also just wanted to say she has never been SA,D. I just want to say thankyou again to everyone i just dont know what to do anymore.

I would not live in the same house as someone who physically assaulted me.

The whole dynamic is getting way too toxic and out of hand

Sorry this is hard but I didn't want to read and run.

I see you have a LL so you cannot turn her room into a bedsit. She needs a bedsit as a pp upthread suggested. I agree.

My second choice would be to kindly discuss with her and her dad (all 3 of you) asking HER is she wanted a flat so she lived on her own. See what she says. If she wants it, I would use ALL my money to rent her a place elsewhere. You can always pay for 2 years, after which you give her notice that from the next year (Give her 6 months notice) that she will now need to pay all or half for it. You have to play all these convo by ear whilst sounding her out.

If staying in the house is all you can do and since tough approach has not worked, I would give in and go the softer approach as a pp upthread suggested. Let the father show her how upsetting this is to him. I will tell you, maybe, just maybe, DSD seeing her father struggling could just be what will make her change. I know of many people who changed their bad behaviours towards parents ONLY out of mercy for the parents and parents' suffering- yes mad as it sounds.

She is vulnerable, however she is also an adult and should be able to at least be decent to the family, if nothing else.

Yes, whoever thought giving an 18 yo savings was a good idea is as mad as a bag of frogs- that IS NOT how any 18 yo is treated- never ever; without also making sure she will have access to millions if not billions for the rest of her life!