Am i being u reasonable not doing dinner for my 18 year old step daughter?

[Natz281092]

Long story short, my 18 year old step daughter of 12 years does nothing, no job no education and doesnt lift a finger around the house. I have 3 other children and another step daughter. They all have their chores i.e unload dishwasher, sweep floor help clean table and they all do it. Thier ages are 4, 5, 6 and 12 they all do there bit, but my 18 year old has not done nothing in over two years. I stopped doing her washing 4 months ago cause i never even got a thank you. She does nothing me and her dad have tried our hardest to support her but she has been so disrespectful and also bullies her younger siblings. I cook our children thier dinner earlier than mine and thier dads and often we offered to her she said "i will eat it later" and then it would go to waste and she would never clean her plate. So now i dont dish her up a plate, i always cook extra anyways but as i dont put it on a plate for her she will cook herself noodles and then go eat her room which she knows she isint aloud to do as she caused a mice problem last year. And as she knows she isint aloud she waits for me and her dad to go to bed. So im sorry if its too much but am i being unreasonable to stop doing her dinners?

She may not want the help as she is struggling and trust me she won't agree that she is. You and her dad need more help to deal with her, I think social services being involved here would be very beneficial.

You are right when you say you are confused. She has trauma and you no doubt have zero training in this area. Sending hugs to you my lovely xxxx

Have you heard of PDA? I know everyone else is putting this behaviour down to losing her mum, but from your posts it sounds like her behaviour has always been difficult to manage and there might be something more going on. I'd recommend looking up the Newbold Hope support group, I think you will find a lot of people going through similar and they might have some more helpful advice.
You're in an incredibly difficult and stressful situation, try and find time to take care of yourself.

Pathological Demand Avoidance is just a description of avoidance behaviours that have reached the point of being limiting. The label says nothing of the cause. The behaviours May fit the PDA label but the cause is still likely to be the developmental trauma.

@Mirrorinthebathroom123
Actually it's a part of the autism spectrum and in general the avoidance is rooted in anxiety. Trauma can present similar, but regardless I believe the strategies for them are very similar.

Time to kick her out.!

shes depressed. Shes miserable. I suggest you try the complete opposite of every you have tried so far

Well put.

Yes I know. Lots of overlap with ASD and the effects of developmental trauma too (see Coventry Grid).

It sounds like she needs the benefit of parenting. She needs support to find something to do and maybe she does need you to do washing and cooking without thanks. I don't expect thanks from my DC for various reasons but I don't think I'd have stopped just because they didn't say thank you.

She is clearly suffering from a depressive illness or is neurodiverse and can't cope with things. You seem to compare her to your three perfect DC rather than helping her and treating her as her own person. That must make her feel terrible. She cooks noodles and takes them to her room and you criticise that by talking about mice but you don't want to cook for her - it's a lose/lose situation.

I would suggest looking at Access Courses with the Open University. They are free, Level 3, online and you don't need qualifications to do them. She might find something she'd like to do.

Am I missing something here? Tell her to get a job. Get on a college course or leave! She’s legally an adult and not your responsibility but while you and your DH continue to facilitate her behaviour she will never grow up.

Ok here we go probably the last update as this has all got too much now. Long story short she went to go out yesterday afternoon and her little sister the 6 year old was asking where she is going and wanted a kiss and from what i was told by our 12 year old that our 6 year old was stood in front on the door and wouldnt move without a goodbye kiss and then the 18 year decided to shove her out the way to the ground breaking our 6 year old arm. We have asked our 18 year old to spend a couple of nights at her friends or boyfriends so things can calm down. It breaks my heart thay she didnt even apologise to her lil sister and instead proceeds to say you should of moved then.
I think this is our last straw now. And for all the previous posters saying we should help with job or college our course WE HAVE for the last 2 years but she is not interested. And for the post about my comparing her to my three perfect children you must have a screw loose like i said before i have raiaed her longer than my own and have always treated her and my other 2 step children the same as my three. Ive said countless of times that this is the first time me calling them step children as i was trying to explain everything. We are going to give it a couple of nights and then when she is back we are going to talk to her. I have found her a live in job at a holiday park, i did find it 6 months ago and told her and she was having none of it but another spot has opened up so we are going to push her to go for it and this is her last chance. Social are involved again with her and my other kids. The social worker is the same one she had the past 3 times so its good she knows everything and she was shocked to learn that she has gotten so bad and cant believe how we have coped. Im hoping now she is facing reality of what she has done she will accept support and try to change. So fingers crossed.

she broke the 6 year old's ARM? seriously???

why was she allowed near your 6 year old after she slapped you??

@Mirrorinthebathroom123 I think this is good advice

I wouldn’t have given her the savings, it’ll just be wasted

Has she ever been considered for an FASD assessment?

You said her mother was an alcoholic and it came to mind.

Give her a month to look for a job/ college course and give her a list of chores to do, if she doesn’t do them she needs to leave. She sounds like a leech.

No mentally healthy young person would act like this. This highly sounds like clinical depression and you need to physically take her to the GP, no matter what state she's in. She cannot enjoy living like this. It sounds like she's given up all hope, has no self-esteem, or respect for herself, probably doesn't feel good enough for anything. When you become this depressed you usually don't give a damn about others, either.

Clinical depression is an illness, not necessarily something caused by trauma, but she may very well need CAMHS, and anti-psychotic med's.

Make her feel worthy - You catch more flies with honey. I know she's not eating, but noodles is better than nothing, 1 minute of something is better than nothing. She could keep her hygiene up (although the mice situation doesn't sound likely) and still underneath she could be very unwell.

Seek help before repressing food as punishment.

My heart goes out to you - and your DSD. She does seem to have very serious mental health issues - hopefully this latest incident will help her get the help she needs. The fact that the 6-year-old wanted a kiss shows that someone loves her. It is incredibly difficult - she clearly needs a lot of love and help but equally if she is hurting her much younger siblings (mentally and now physically) that can't be allowed to continue. Like others have suggested I think you need to reach out to her - this thread has moved a long way from the first post about her dinner. I think one of you - probably her Dad really needs to be "on her side" and win her trust - it's not going to be a quick fix - I wish you all well.

We have 21 year old & 18 year old boys, as well as 11 and 8 year old boys. The eldest 2 are by far the hardest.
Our 18 year old admitted recently he’s struggling with mental health. His room is a dirty shit tip, as is our 21 year old’s. We’ve been battling with the eldest for a couple of years and just finally turning a corner - a long way to go but he’s definitely trying.
our 18 year old doesn’t want to do anything, misses school, sleeps all day. It’s hard, we are at our wits end. He has everything, he’s super smart, good looking, but he’s struggling socially. He’s all kind of stuff going on in his head.
For months I’ve been on at on at him, screaming shoring, going mad when I’m
called from school again to find he’s slept through. Trying to get him out of bed and him just not, us having blazing arguments. Me feeling like he hates me, feeling distraught and having no idea what approach to try next.… it was 4 months ago he text me one night telling me he couldn’t carrying on living how he was feeling. Until that point I thought he was just a lazy teenager like his brother. He wouldn’t even come out of room to eat with us on his 18th birthday. We did nothing, he did t nothing, he refused. It’s heartbreaking.
I feel we’ve failed, we missed all the signs. Don’t be us.

I get the feeling school is not a priority in your household. You have three children under the age of 6 - just make it a priority to focus on school. Because getting basic qualifications just gives you what you need to get ahead and be independent. Your 18-year-old is the result of a child who didn't achieve the basics at school. However, time to kick her out. There's always the army or a minimum wage job, which requires no qualifications. Gently but firmly explain that she's now an adult and equally responsible for supporting the household - both financially and in terms of household happiness and responsibility. And because the shock may be significant - give her a week to explain why, as an adult, she does not have any responsibility. And then pass on the army recruiting papers. But your priority should be your 4, 5 and 6 year olds. The biggest financial opportunity for every child and also investment of every Government and tax payer is children's education. Use it and value it, or waste it. Just recognise it as an incredibly expensive institution, that allows all children to attend and not just learn, but get bits of paper to qualify them for stuff they want to do in life.

Oh Natz what a terrible situation. It sounds like you and her Dad have been doing everything you can. I just hope things may get better as they can hardly get worse!
As people have said, take care of yourself. You're a star.

I seriously don't understand why you haven't kicked her out already... She's a threat to all of you

So my 17yo SS now lives with us full time. His job in our house is to do the dishwasher. He also has to do his own washing. I think he's washed his bed sheets 3 times this year but not my problem. I also have no idea how many times he's wearing clothes and underwear for because he rarely does any washing either. Again, not my problem if he wants to be a skank.

He left school last August and was told he needed to get a job. He's lazy and will lie in his bed well into the afternoon. My DH told him if he doesn't get a job his girlfriend isn't allowed over and he won't be allowed to play DHs playstation which he sometimes does at night. He has his own gaming PC but likes to play DHs PS5 now and again. So basically all privileges were stopped. He eventually got a job in November.

His work has been a bit sporadic since Xmas due to the weather so he's had lots of days off and has been lying in bed until 6pm some days meaning DH and I are having to do the dishwasher in order to make breakfast, lunch and dinners. DH has now told him that if he isn't up at a reasonable time (10am) and hasn't done what he's supposed to do then he can sort his own dinner.

DH had a conversation with him last year and basically said these are the rules and expectations in this house. If you don't like them then you are welcome to find somewhere else to live. He even offered to help him with a housing application. He has a mum but he doesn't get on with her but DH reminded him that he could always go live with his mum if the rules in our house didn't suit him.

I can't believe that an 18 has gotten away with doing absolutely nothing for 2 years. Why hasn't this been dealt with already?

I have read all of this thread and boy has it escalated.
I did feel sorry for her and she's obviously very troubled and traumatised but the other children will be if they get further assaulted or abused by her.
She needs to leave your home, don't let her back in after a couple of days away!
I think she could have a personality disorder caused by the sad and awful traumas in her life but you and your children are in danger, and people with PD don't usually care about anyone else but themselves. (Ready to be slated, but that will fly over my head).
She needs intervention by MH services so get back onto the social worker and insist on it. People get sectioned because they are a danger to themselves or others, and she is. She's hit you and broken a little child's arm. These poor kids.
You sound like a perfectly decent mother and step mother who has done her very best. She won't engage because she has no reason to change. She has food, no bills or responsibilities and a free cash amount to spend. The only thing that may make her engage is if her circumstances change. She will carry on the same or worse if you don't make a drastic change.
Please insist on this with the authorities. They can get her a place in a hostel, which, let's face it, is what she treats your home as.
Good luck 💐