Am i being u reasonable not doing dinner for my 18 year old step daughter?

[Natz281092]

Long story short, my 18 year old step daughter of 12 years does nothing, no job no education and doesnt lift a finger around the house. I have 3 other children and another step daughter. They all have their chores i.e unload dishwasher, sweep floor help clean table and they all do it. Thier ages are 4, 5, 6 and 12 they all do there bit, but my 18 year old has not done nothing in over two years. I stopped doing her washing 4 months ago cause i never even got a thank you. She does nothing me and her dad have tried our hardest to support her but she has been so disrespectful and also bullies her younger siblings. I cook our children thier dinner earlier than mine and thier dads and often we offered to her she said "i will eat it later" and then it would go to waste and she would never clean her plate. So now i dont dish her up a plate, i always cook extra anyways but as i dont put it on a plate for her she will cook herself noodles and then go eat her room which she knows she isint aloud to do as she caused a mice problem last year. And as she knows she isint aloud she waits for me and her dad to go to bed. So im sorry if its too much but am i being unreasonable to stop doing her dinners?

You are aggravating the situation. You are understandably frustrated, but going into her private space and interfering in her relationships is not helpful. You have set her up to get dysregulated there. I would be incensed by someone waking me up by having a go at me. The human brain doesn’t finish developing until mid twenties. She’s had a very difficult childhood. I think you need to step back and educate yourself about how to best support her to reach independence but she is very vulnerable.

https://cavuhb.nhs.wales/files/resilience-project/resilience-project-logo-adjustments/pace-pdf/

I didnt go in her room to argue i was going to ask her if she wanted a lift out and to take plates out as thier were loads i know it was early but i did it after school run just after 9. My plate cupboard was pretty mych empty so i need them for tonights dinner. I knocked on her door and only went in when she replied with what do i want. I wasnt interfering i was asking if he could encourage her to go out for a couple of hours so she got some air and some company with someone her age. The way its going im never going to do anything right either too strict, too soft, shes an adult, shes a child honestly im so confused to what im actually meant to be doing especially for everyone saftey now she getting physical.

Are you sure she's not suffering from depression? It sounds as though she's really unhappy and needs a bit of love. Most teenagers are " annoying " but are you sure there's nothing else going on?

I would still cook her dinner. It sounds like that is the least of your worries with her.
Why doesn't she work?
Why isn't she in Education?
I would perhaps concentrate on that first but, if you are cooking for the whole family then obviously she will feel alienated if you don't for her too. At 18 years old, i can understand that she doesnt want to eat at the same time as her 4,5,6 and 12 year old siblings. You say that you and your H eat later, surely she can just eat with you?

What is OP supposed to do if SD doesn't bring her plates down? Eat off paper plates and let the mice take over?

There is no excuse for violence, you did nothing to deserve getting slapped. You and your younger DCs have the right to live in a home free of this toxic behaviour. Get your DH to make alternative living arrangements for her, as sad as her backstory is she is not safe to be around young children.

@Natz281092 i saw your reply to me and bless you, you are a full time mum and have your hands full. My older daughter suffered a mental breakdown about 2 years ago and her behavior was unbearable as she was violent and agressive especially with me. I persevered with her to continue to look after her at her worst and in way she’s pulled herself up and is 70% better. She also refused therapy and I still think she needs it. That was my way with her however when she was at her dads and she was like this he was tough on her. I am not sure what worked and we still have issues with her but I think try and show her you love her at her worst and I know this is hard as you have all been through so much! And do let the little things slide if you can if not for your own well being x

absolutely agree. now she has been physical with you, you're DH needs to intervene ASAP and find her different living arrangements. not okay behaviour with children around, regardless if they were at school at the time. i really feel for you as you said you can't seem to do right from wrong. next time you see her, given she obviously is vulnerable regarding childhood etc, maybe say something like, 'i will support you and will be there for you always, but you don't ever get physical with me again'. leave it at that with her and let DH sort the rest out. you need to distance yourself from it if possible, mentally and physically

I’d report that slap to the police; get her somewhere of her own to live; and speak to her GP. They won’t tell you anything but you can tell them your concerns.

You have to think of the effect on your other DC and StepDC, and on you and your DH, of course. It’s not like you haven’t tried to help her. In fact, perhaps she sees your kind help as weakness? If she had to stand on her own two feet maybe she’d be better off.

If you don't do anything and allow her she will stick with you forever making your life hell. You need to kick her out and let her figure her life by herself. Her behaviour is not acceptable

She sexually abused her younger siblings when she was 17, she's verbally abused her boyfriend's parents and now she's physically assaulted you.

You need her out of the house ASAP, before things get any worse OP.

She's already a lost cause. She doesn't want help and she doesn't have any plans for her life. If allowed she will continue living with them indefinitely, how does that help anyone?

Phwoar, the venom in this thread is unbelievable.

This poor bloody girl, OP you sound like you have absolutely no clue how to handle this situation. She’s clearly struggling with complex trauma and you’re forcing your ideas of what you think is good for her. Get her some proper professional help, I can confidently say as someone who has had CBT that it doesn’t work for everyone and it was more than useless and in fact damaging for me in the end.

She sounds incredibly vulnerable, the fact she is clinging onto boyfriends for dear life would say to me that she is highly co dependant and putting all of her emotional needs on her partner.

There is no excusing her behaviour, but there is a reason and context behind it all.

Having read through your comments. It seems you have spent all your energy with no resilience left which sometimes affects our ability to see beyond the short term and look at the bigger picture. Have you thought of something to do for you? To help you? Maybe some help or counselling, someone to talk to who can professionally help you with strategies and techniques? With experience of these sorts of behaviours and situations.

what is the saying? You can’t pour from an empty cup? It sounds like your cup is empty.

I mean this in the nicest possible way because anybody would be exhausted in your situation.

This is obviously so much more than not liking other people's kids. This 'kid' has literally committed a sexual offense against her younger sibling by showing her naked photos of herself and boyfriend that is so beyond inappropriate. No matter how much you like or dislike someone at some point you have to safeguard the other children in the house. This lady also clearly doesn't have any problems with the younger step daughter This isn't a case of an evil step mum and 100 percent a case of this grown adult not child has severe problems that are putting everyone else in the house at risk. Its totally natural to feel the way OP is.

OP has clearly stated that they've tried to get her help and been to the gp etc and that the girl has refused. You can't force a grown adult into accepting help and at this stage her behaviour is a danger to the other minors in the house. There's only so much that can be done before they need to look at her living somewhere else and personally for me that line would have been drawn when she was showing sexual images to a child or when she was accusing her Dad of abuse or when she herself was physically abusing OP because both of those risk the other children experiencing trauma and they need to be safeguarded. Sorry but she's an adult and isn't the priority here the other children in the house are so I think she needs to be housed elsewhere.

There will be a reason she hated her mother and on top of that she lost her after 2 years of not seeing her. Sounds like she hadsexperienced trauma throughout her childhood that will take a long time to heal, unfortunately it may never heal.
You're not being unreasonable though, I would let her know you and her dad love her and want to support her but you also need to have boundaries and need to encourage her independence. You do need to look after yourself otherwise you can't be the best parent for your younger children so I would try and not let it burden you too much.

Having read all your comments.and you update.
your daughter is very unhappy, you say she refuses all help, this is because of her trauma and depression. Not because she does not want help. She lost her mum, you also dont seem to realise she also lost a sibling when you first your first child died . You say she supported you through that? Who supported her though it. She was so young and thats 2 deaths she has had to deal with. The grooming at 13, you have to take responsibility for that . She should not have an access to the internet with out parental controls being in place. She showing the 10 year old photos is illegal. In fact the photos themselves are illegal. Its illegal for under 18. You say you cant confront her because she kicks off. Thats the problem.. Tip toeing around her has made her worse.
however this obviously can not go on like this . Get social services back involved .see if they can get her supported lodgings. The hosts are amazing and the young people have someone they can trust to talk to . I was a supported lodgings host. I had some very troubled young people come me. She needs support but i dont think you and her dad are what she needs now. Especially now she has physically attacked you

@2dogs1braincell

I'm guessing that was aimed at me and other posters who have said she needs to live elsewhere.

If you dig deep enough there will be reason and context behind all instances of abus because happy, well adjusted people don't abuse others. That doesn't excuse it or mean that other people have to put up with it. 'Poor bloody girl' but what about the very young children who also live in the house? The 4 year old was home when OP was assaulted, a 10 year old has been shown naked pictures. The abuse is escalating from emotional and sexual to physical violence. The younger children's welfare has to take priority now, it's only a matter of time before one of them is assaulted.

This is terrible advice

i can imagine you are very busy with so many small children - but I think you and your hubby need to take a step back and question why a young adult at the prime of her life is not motivated. Sounds very much like she was depression. Have you spoken to the doctor?

I'd be asking her when she was moving out.

I feel like OP is here for advice I don't agree she sounds like she dislikes her sc.
I think there is a clear ask for help here from a parent who feels like they've tried everything.

I really don't have any advice, but I commend you for everything you are trying to do. It sounds like you truly don't want to abandon this child to her self destructive ways. I hope she comes round soon.

Actually it is, it’s classed as showing pornagraphic material to a child. Unfortunately I have done a lot of training on it

Actually it is, it’s classed as showing pornagraphic material to a child. Unfortunately I have done a lot of training on it