New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

I also think the 'rent' he charges them is just helping them to save. He's not really profiting off them. It's a good idea - percentage of income going into savings as a family rule.

He sounds like a fantastic parent, his kids sound happy, smart, well-adjusted and respectful.

People can, of course parent how they want, but you don’t seem compatible in the slightest. You are determined to attribute any success they have as ‘luck’, which suggests you are more bothered/sensitive about the outcome of your hands-off parenting vs his than you make out.

Don't discuss your dc with him. Withdraw a bit. You are very different. You have low expectations. Then again you say your dc gave done their best. That is all you can ask but it's not surprising his high achieving kids have been pushed a bit.

I don't think you can criticise his parenting. He should not be criticising you he should be more tactful. Also don't you find some people to be really boastful and lacking self awareness going on about their dc achievements. I think it's crass. I'd judge him for that.

Never blend families with him.

Also I doubt he's fully aware of everything his perfect Peter children get up to. Some vaping or other misdemeanours could go on but they might be better at not getting caught.

I'm sure the obvious answer is there are different parenting styles and for sure you are both doing well.

I do like his style more. He is giving his kids loads of skills, communication, troubleshooting, time management.

And (no offence) but you have one kid struggling badly so clearly your parenting style is not the only one correct.

Both of you should relax and learn from each other rather than being competing for best parents

Parenting isn’t just luck of the draw. Yes they may be afraid of him but he will probably say that’s a good thing and they behave accordingly. I’m probably somewhere inbetween you both, I don’t agree with forcing jobs at 16 and taking money, but from 18 I expect mine to take summer jobs when at Uni, but that’s more for the work experience that I know they will need for their CV’s. I don’t expect my kids to be rude to me and I am quite judgemental of parents who sit and let their kid have a massive rant and swear at them and then say ‘oh they are just being a teen’.

My friends say I’m lucky with all 3 of my kids, 2 of which have been perfect teens (one wasn’t bad but wasn’t quite as perfect), I can’t even give one example when they spoke rudely to me but I don’t think that’s all luck and a lot to do with correcting them the first few times they tried when much much younger. They aren’t perfect and neither am I and I’d say some of it is personality but most good parenting. You sound very different and I wonder how that work out if you became more involved in their life

I genuinely think he sounds like a great parent…

What stood out for me is you mention you have had to deal with behaviour issues, he has not according to you

I can't see this working

His children have been raised with high expectations and firm boundaries - they are achieving and appear to be thriving.

Your children haven been raised with limited expectations and seemingly few boundaries. It doesn't appear to be working too well for them.

You sound very judgmental of his parenting however he seems to have done a very good job. I don't know why you care about his parenting so much as at the ages of the children surely neither of you will be doing any sort of parenting of the others children

And your kids bring compared to his.Id fuck him right off..

I don't really see anything wrong with his approach. He's instilling important values in them from a young age which will serve them better in the long run. Children don't suddenly become sensible, hard-working, fully-functioning adults when they turn 18. That process starts long before that.

So - his children lost their mother when they were 8, 10 and 12

He found a system that worked for them where all were contributing to the household, and where the children seem to be happy and achieving. He also prioritises their wishes.

I might not do everything that he has done, but it seems to be working for his family.

He sounds fantastic. His kids sound like they'll go on to achieve great things. Your kids however seem to have such a low bar. I'd definitely rethink your parenting to help them in later life when they don't have a clue about how to make a meal, look after themselves, help around the house.

I think there is no comparison.

you two are completely two different people and so are both of your kids!

I feel like there is a little of ‘the other side is always green’ feeling.

proud of your achievements! You more relax about your kids because you think that’s right for your kids. You know your kids best.

in some way it’s understandable why his kids are so disciplined, partially maybe because of their experience of losing their mum. It might made them mature quickly.

life experience between your kids and his kids are different.

He sounds like a sensible parent, teaching teens responsibility, that hard work comes with rewards and ensuring they have the life skills to take care of their home. Your parenting is the one failing here not his. Also sounds like you’re not compatible in the relationship, you’re far too judgemental over someone you claim to love.

Have you read the OP?

Agreeing that you've both nearly got to the end of parenting teenagers so you don't have to have anything to do with each other's methods. Just don't live together for a few years.

After reading hundreds of threads about useless fathers on here, this certainly wasn't the OP I was expecting.

Doubtful, there's lots more scope for conflicting parenting styles to continue to have an impact.

His kids will be "spoiled" by living expenses at uni, and "boasting" about exciting new jobs. Hers won't be able to afford to move out on minimum wage, losing jobs for poor attendance, or coming back with an unplanned baby in tow and needing babysitting services.

Perhaps an annual post would help OP?

Why? He sounds like the better parent - teenager needs boundaries or they do vape/not get good GCSEs/not help with chores.

But, it doesn't matter how you parent your own children - he's absolutely NOT your partner, he's just a very short term boyfriend and you can each parent your children as you choose.

Er... wow. Vicious.

he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. So - he has criticised your parenting style; but you do not feel you can criticise his.

It seems to me that this man has done his best with his children on his own. The fact that he brought them up himself for the last 7 years and has at the same time held down a job that appears to have made them all financially secure is impressive. I am guessing it is only achievable with some clear rules.

All the children are heading for young adulthood and independence in the near future, so maybe that will help in terms of you and he continuing your relationship; but my guess is that all the children will make demands on both of you in one way or another as the years go by and that this is likely to be a bone of contention between you both. Can the relationship sustain that? Are you both willing to let the other deal with their own children in their own way without criticism?

You don’t like him, clearly. So why are you wasting your time on him? Just dump him, honestly.

“Though whenever I talk to him they seem busy (even if it’s busy as in our doing a sport or at their friends/boyfriends) they never seem to be just at home relaxing. My kids love to just play video games for a couple of hours!!”

So his kids have downtime doing sport, hanging out with friends and developing relationships (so no doubt having a bit of fun there ☺️)

Whilst your kids just veg for hours gaming.

Yeah, terrible.

It sounds like he’s made active decisions about how he wants to parents. And you’ve taken the easy/lazy path of not putting as much thought into it - let alone action.

You sound like my sister to me, “oh in Y7 you shouldn’t supervise homework, it’s better for them to learn responsibility”.

By Y11, mine were doing homework unsupervised because it’s an expectation they grew up with and they had all the skills to do it. Hers… just didn’t bother. And she says, “well I’m just proud they did their best” too… except they didn’t do their best, and they did nowhere near their potential best.

I think both he and his children sound terrific.
His children sound like they'll be sweeping into their employers car park in an expensive car, while yours will be sweeping the same car park with a brush.