New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

I too think his style of parenting sounds good! It is the approach we are taking with our children. My 5 year old helps me do chores, I think it's important for kids to take an active role in maintaining the house

So he gets them to work, pay attention to their grades, do chores around the house, look after their own belongings and buys them a car, yet they are spoilt by him buying them a car?

🙄

Do you really think it’s more relaxing for teens to be at home playing video games than out playing sports or out with their friends/boyfriends ?

I mean, I’m not really sure about making kids pay board while they are still in education, although I do agree it’s very beneficial for children to have a part time job. I wouldn’t be particularly happy about my kids vaping or not achieving their full potential at school either. To be honest, the main issue here is that you are clearly very different people with different core values and parenting styles. And worse than that you both actively disapprove of each other’s choices. I don’t think this relationship will work long term.

He sounds like he's doing a fantastic job.

I don't know why this bothers you, perhaps you could take a look at why it does.

Envy perhaps?

With all due respect OP, the proof is in the pudding. His kids aren't vaping or getting in trouble at school. You can try and judge him all you want, he is just offering you some advice when you moan about your kids. His way is clearly doing something good.

Oh and buying your kids a car and ensuring they learn to drive at 17 is the best thing you can do as a parent. Gives them so many more opportunities and so much more freedom. I am very grateful my parents did that for me.

I don't understand either. His kids are not vaping or school refusing or having behavior issues. Maybe seeing such respectful kids it's making you feel self conscious about your own?

He sounds like an amazing parent and reminds me of my own parents who had a very similar parenting style. My siblings and I got driving lessons as soon as we were eligible and cars too. We also worked hard and achieved top grades. Both learned to cook and clean our rooms, do chores etc. as kids.

Honestly I think this sets kids up for life and I follow the same with my own children. Your attitude is doing your children no favours. And honestly you both don’t sound compatible.

You have very different parenting styles, circumstances etc, clearly.

Nope, he shouldn't be critical of your parenting, nor about your teenagers, especially when he's only just met them.

However, some of your observations about his offspring (whom you haven't even met) and the way he parents etc are pretty mean-spirited.

Those children lost their fucking Mum and you seem to somehow been implying that your children have been through more and he hasn't had to deal with what you have etc.

Do you see a future with this man?

I would be ending it. If he ever moves in your kids would hate it

This is written from your perspective and he still sounds like the better parent.

I’m not surprised he hasn’t introduced his kids to you or yours yet … He sounds like an excellent parent and his children are a good advert for the benefits of love, boundaries and discipline.

Quite!

I don't think we can say who is "right" or "wrong" in terms of your parenting styles. They are just different. I guess if you saw him with his DC you'd have a better understanding of their personalities and relationship. I DO think he is wrong to criticise (implicitly or explicitly) your parenting though. I think it would be impossible to blend in this situation (or in fact, probably any situation with 6 teens!) so if you're happy to just date for the next few years, I'd crack on without mentioning your DC. I'd imagine in practice it'd be very hard to do that though so, for me, this would be the beginning of the end.

He sounds like a good parent, you sound like a pushover

I don’t think his children sound spoilt as, yes, they got cars bought for them at 17, but they work, get good grades and do chores, so they’ve worked hard for the privilege of having a car young.

His children have been equipped with life skills (cooking/laundry/cleaning) a work ethic (Saturday and after school jobs) manners and gives extrinsic motivation and high expectations for academic success. Sounds great.

Is it really worth being tit for tat at parenting older teens/ young adults, it's not like they're all under 10 and you're planning on becoming a blended family under one roof.
Just enjoy the adult relationship you have with him, it's still early days, they might be ready to meet you for another year yet!

Don't live together until they've all left home !

I think he sounds pretty inspiring! His wife died and he’s had do do it on his own without the support you receive from your ex-husband. He sounds like he expects a lot but rewards their efforts.

One minute you’re saying his children are working too hard, the next they’re spoilt?

I hate to say it but his way sounds like it’s got results! I wonder if he’s making you feel insecure?

Surely working hard and being rewarded is the opposite of being spoiled? They sound like well rounded, self disciplined kids. You don't value that, and that's your decision.

His kids are gifted cars and you see them as spoilt.
Yours break rules and don't get any real consequences and that's not spoilt?
You are judging him by your own low standards

You think his kids are ‘spoiled’ with cars and tech but you also say his kids are well-behaved and doing well at school and so on. So clearly having these things hasn’t spoiled them. And he makes them bloody and pay rent at 16!! They’re hardly spoiled if that’s the case. If anything, that’s bloody harsh.

I don’t think you and this man have the same values at all, to be honest. I doubt you’re compatible long-term.

• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled

We did this too as well as paid for driving lessons, tests, insurance, tax and petrol until they were 21. They all did chores, I wasn’t going to be a slave to teenagers and they all took a turn at shopping, cooking and helped with cleaning, laundry and ironing. That’s life skills they needed to learn. We parented pretty much like your DH except for expecting them to pay rent and work as the degrees they chose didn’t leave time for working due to placements. We must have done something right, they’ve all finished Uni and have really good careers.

He's brought up three teenagers after they lost their mum and it sounds like he’s done really well under those circumstances. That wouldn’t have been easy for any parent to navigate. I think you sound quite jealous tbh.

He sounds like he's got his head screwed on tbh.