New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

I imagine there's more chance of him ending it.

He's not going to want his DC influenced by the OP's.

You are very very unfair to call children you have never met spoiled based purely on the fact they have been bought cars and tech. Especially considering they pay their way through jobs and do all of the chores asked of them. They are obviously not spoiled

I Got a few handouts from my parents at that age BUT it’s was because I was working and saving

Can honestly say if I wasn’t working I would of got nothing

with a few things they matched my contribution where they could of easily bought it outright

taught me the value of things and if you want something you have to work for it

Suspect ops kids won't be leaving home anytime soon. Expect a thread in 10 years time called 'My adult kids won't leave home or pay rent'

I thought this thread might be a reverse.

Anyway OP his children sound like they’re thriving.

Meanwhile your 3 can’t scrape a grade B between them, with one of yours so riddled with anxiety that they can’t get above 75% school attendance.

Did your children really try their hardest I they didn't manage to scrape a B between them?

Different kids, different parenting, different circumstances.

His kids sound the opposite of spoilt! Spoilt us being lazy and entitled, his kids seem to work hard and behave respectfully.

While yours sound more relaxed and social enough to want to meet him.

He sounds unsupportive and judgmental, but you also sound judgmental.

Accept each other for your different approaches.

But attempting to live together until they are all adult / left home will be a disaster!

I think you're being slightly unrealistic about the affects of having lower parenting boundaries on your children's outcomes.

I agree that expecting children in full time school to work Saturdays and Sundays seems harsh. But there is a happy medium between your boundaries and his.

75% school attendance is very bad and likely to have a negative impact on the child. Struggling to go into school, does that mean you let them bunk? If there is a medical reason then you should be getting them help.

Well I know who's parenting seems to be getting results, spoiler alert, not yours OP!!!
His kids sound diligent, respectful and hardworking. For their efforts they are rewarded financially and materially, kind of like when we grow up and go to work....
He sounds like he's setting them up very well for life to me.

Honestly, this is not going to work. It is frustrating and unpleasant to no end, living with all the fall-outs of unmotivated, disrespectful teenagers and young adults. Even if you never co-habit, he will be impacted negatively by this and it will create a lot of tension. Seems like it already does.

Also, I was working regularly from 15 years of age. I liked it.

You don't know the kids, so it's really very weird that you want to make judgements about them. While the approach differs from yours, if it's working just leave well alone.

I grew up with similar high effort / high reward, and we do similar with the little one. He has chores age 5, he just doesn't know they are chores because it's just how to live responsibly while sharing the house. When he's a teenager, i wouldn't expect moans about tidying, because he tidies now or keeps one thing out and tucked away when he's working on it. Tidying up really doesn't make children randomly anxious, it just means everyone can find their stuff and doesn't fall over crap in the hall. Likewise gifts don't make a child spoiled, even though the child is clearly privileged to have the gifts as an option.

You have different kids; some are harder work than others, some work harder, and some really need a different approach and boundaries than others. I trust you know your own kids and have considered what's best for them. So if you don't want his opinion on your parenting, and that is absolutely fair, then either stop telling him what's going on or tell him "i just want to rant without "helpful" input in response please". In the same spirit, remind yourself you don't know his kids and ought to butt out of the opinions accordingly.

He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled

Yet equally others could say that having fewer expectations of your own children in terms of contribution to the house they live in or behaviour is being coddled (and therefore spoiled in a different way)

Different strokes and all that

There's different ways to parent but mine is certainly closer to his - school and good grades were non negotiable despite my dd1 trying to avoid school, I would drive her there so she did go. He sounds a great dad

You’ve only been together 8 months.

Neither of you should be openly judging each others parenting.

The kid’s behaviour on both sides is most likely a mixture of luck, circumstances and parenting.
So neither of you are right.

It wouldn't like him and his children have done a great job together in the face of massive loss.

It's quite unusual for a man who's lost his wife not to have a 'new mother' moved in asap.

It sounds like he's put his DC first as every step.

Stop slagging your kids off to your boyfriend. It's very disloyal.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw?

You're unreasonable to want to 'tell him' anything about his parenting, in the same way that he would be unreasonable to 'tell you' about yours, but it sounds like he's commenting about parenting styles because you're confiding in him about the troubles you're having and he sees some correlation, it doesn't make his way right, or you way wrong, just a possible cause and effect, so I don't understand why you have to criticize all the elements of his parenting the way you are.

I'm not sure about his feelings, but you certainly don't seem to respect him, let alone his parenting style, but you've got to admit he seems to be having an easier time of it then you. Saying that I would feel like he was being slightly holier than thou, seeing as he's got plenty of money to throw at any parenting issues and he should recognise that not everyone is in such a fortunate position and be more humble about that, but ultimately why can't you both just agree to be different and respect each others choices in life?

FWIW I was bought up a little in between these two parenting styles, there was no money at all, but I was expected to work hard and do chores, be self sufficient, and contribute to the household, but as long as those things were taken care of I could do what I wanted and was allowed the freedom to stay out late, run my own schedule and choose what to do with my downtime, but if you wanted money you had to earn it.

Vaping
More than an average of one day off a week
Only expected to clean their own rooms and this isn't always done
Not expected to work
Poor grades. But they did their best..... did they?
No contribution to the household.
No evidence of any consequences for anything.

Versus

Good grades
Independent
Clean and tidy
High expectations

You sound totally incompatible.

Doesn't sound like you have anything in common re parenting, so that's bound to be a flashpoint. How are you going to deal with that if you stay together?

And maybe he does have a point about some of the ways he brings up his dc - seems to be working, doesn't it?!

All I disagree with is ££ incentives for grades. I'd reward for effort made. But the chores etc? They are life skills!

Tbh it's none of your business how he parents nor him how you do it. You do sound jealous of his life and his kids lifestyle. I would go mad if my 18 was vaping.

I think I lean towards his style of parenting. If you work hard in life then you get nice things. It doesn't sound like he's overly harsh with them?
I wouldn't be criticizing him, that's for sure.

Tbh I think he sounds like a good dad who loves his kids but has strong boundaries and has taught them self discipline, every single one of them will know how to take care of themselves, be self sufficient and work hard.

I think you may be incompatible tbh.

He sounds like a great parent, he’s preparing his children for adulthood. As to ‘ spoiling ‘ them by buying them cars, why not ? I’d definitely do the same if I could afford it.

My parents did this financial incentive for me and I got straight as and a*s and did well at uni and my career... if they'd told me they didn't care about my grades I wouldn't have worked nearly as hard.

However I didn't have to do many chores or work except for occasional babysitting- my parents prioritized giving me time to do my homework.