New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

Op is that you?

Well, you appear to be unable to achieve so much as a B in reading comprehension then.

I view this as being spoiled

All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

Nope, but I have similar children, similar parenting values and have encountered similar attitudes. And similar self doubts.

Either agree to keep it as an adult relationship and keep the kids well out of it (possible, at their ages, but not desirable) or it’s an irreconcilable difference in values and consider finding someone with parenting strategy you have some common ground with. You can’t comprise on it, he wont change and you shouldn’t.

I think you can tell a lot about a man’s emotional intelligence and empathy by how he parents. I pay a lot of attention to it. It says a lot about he considers people and relationships to me.

You've made your opinion clear. Why are you harassing the OP? Make your point and move on.

You appear to be struggling with the meaning of criticize.

”indicate the faults of (someone or something) in a disapproving way.”

From what you have written you are not compatible. Save yourself the heartache and go your separate ways now

Civil shouldn’t be too far away, while you’ve got the dictionary out.

We also don't know (unless I've missed that comment), on much of this was already in place before they lost their mum/wife, and her influence on it.

I would say three things:

1. As a head of sixth form I see his kind of parenting all the time and it leads to most of the difficulties I see with students. Massive red flags here include not allowing them a gap year (WTF?), insisting on certain grades 😱as PAYING THEM for them TERRIBLE IDEA. This is particularly the case for young people who have lost a mother. The potential for enormous psychological damage is there and probably already done.
2. You two are completely incompatible with each other. Your values are miles apart. I would advise you to end it now otherwise you are signing up for years of judgement, conflict and tension. Imagine the horror of co-grandparenting with this materialistic control freak? No.
3. if you want to give it a go because you are a hopeless optimist who doesn't see the writing on the wall then draw a hard red line between your parenting - he doesn't mention yours or get involved in any way and vice versa. This is doomed to fail but feel free to give it a go if you like your life to be painful and miserable.

It teaches them about money. He's not keeping it. He's saving it for them. Your dc might have a nervous breakdown but his don't appear to be struggling. Horses for courses.

All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.
Perhaps he thinks the reason yours are breaking rules left right and centre, vaping, not attending school and not achieving a single A or B between^^ them is reflective of your slack and unstructured lack of boundaries parenting style.

I'm sure you wouldn't like him thinking that so why are you so judgemental about his parenting? It doesn't sound like his dc are struggling emotionally with their life because we can bet you would have regaled us with the lurid details had they such is your determination to find fault. But on paper by your own admission, his sounds way more calm and successful than yours do at coping with their teen years.

insisting on certain grades 😱

This may be how the OP has described it (because she doesn’t view grades as important) but it may be that the kids in question are more than capable of achieving those grades. It may be that he chooses to offer rewards if they achieve totally achievable standards for their own ability. He certainly isn’t the only parent out there doing that. I wouldn’t do some pay for results scheme with my kids, but other people do and it isn’t necessarily harmful (or all that different to how bonuses are structured in many workplaces).

I do wonder how even teachers are reading the OP’s account of her own children and deciding that she should be congratulated and told how awful her boyfriend is. And somehow missing that the boyfriend presumably knows his children.

The OP and this man sound utterly incompatible and, what is more, she sounds almost contemptuous of him in this ‘judge my boyfriend and agree with me that I’m a better parent’ thread. She has never even met these young people, so she is just speculating that they must be miserable and treading on eggshells.

What's normal about not helping around the house? Not having part time job? These are basics that all
Dc should do.

If you consider poor school attendance (below 75% in the last two years), vaping, not doing any chores, not bothering to clean rooms, playing video games for hours on end, etc. to be normal, then the OP's kids are certainly normal.

However, many others will view it as shit parenting.

I’m a teacher. I probably come down somewhere in the middle.
The bottom line is that we’re all different. It
doesn’t matter how you parent, but you can’t function in a relationship with someone whose decisions you dislike so much

Sounds like a brilliant father - 3 well rounded kids and he’s done it solo dealing with the grief of their mother.

Spoiled is when it isn’t appreciated and produces bratty behaviour. Them having cars doesn’t seem ‘spoiled’ as they aren’t exhibiting entitled behaviour as a result. As such, I see no relevance in them having cars. Charging rent is also great - teaches them value of money as you say he is saving it up for them so they do something responsible.

Cooking and cleaning should be something all 3 kids do, the oldest is an adult and should act like it. He’s sending his kids into the world with independence and he is probably very well aware life is short so make the most of the one you have. Why shouldn’t they cook and clean? Most people work full time and still have to do these things.

Ignoring your bi-polar opposite approaches to parenting…it sounds like you are total opposites. Could this realistically work long term? Would you see conflict because you may have different approaches to situations?

Sounds like he's doing a bloody amazing job and his hard work as a parent is paying of big-time

Is this a reverse?

@Nchange12 I’ve said this, he claims they do have downtime. Though whenever I talk to him they seem busy (even if it’s busy as in our doing a sport or at their friends/boyfriends) they never seem to be just at home relaxing. My kids love to just play video games for a couple of hours!!
You think playing video games is downtime but chilling with a boyfriend is not? You really seem to dislike this while family.