New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

Wonder where the OP's gone...?

pretty much everyone has said this

This thread has warmed my heart! My lovely OH has a very similar parenting style to the OP’s partner. A friend of mine would constantly criticise his parenting, almost saying the below verbatim:

his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

I had to stop seeing her, as every time we met up she just wanted to have a pop at him. I never really put up much fight, as I was wondering if he was BU.

You are actually present day in and day out to witness your DH’s parenting and how happy and thriving your children are doing… and yet you needed this thread to stop wondering whether your children may be petrified of stepping out of line?

lol, I know they’re not, but her vehement insistence that they must feel like this had me wondering if we were totally unusual!

The only things I really don't agree with that he does is the taking their money and saving it for them. I HATE this! Not keen on coats and shoes in their rooms either- that seems a bit odd. If the grade expectations are within their capabilities that's fine. The jobs- well their main job at the moment is school- so I would only do this if it didn't get in the way of school work or extra curriculars. Apart from that- everything else looks fine. And it seems to work for them.

This can’t be real…

distance yourself. Assuming that she knows better than you, who lives and breathes his parenting, is bloody unpleasant

I think you both need to agree not to comment on the other's parenting

My kids are 20 and 22. I bought both mine cars when they were both 19 because they needed them and I could afford to do it. One lives 100 miles away at uni so car means he comes home more. The other needed one for his job. On the other matters, I financially incentivised exams too and similarly they got nothing for Lower than a B. In terms of discipline I never had to discipline my eldest but regularly had to for my youngest! They have minimal chores when they’re home. They leave their stuff everywhere! So probably a mixture of the two of you. Neither is right or wrong. You do you.

the thing about that is that the OP will also need to stop complaining about the fruits of her parenting approach. If she’s regularly moaning about other kids have been vaping or have had stuff taken off them at school, or won’t clean their rooms… it’s very hard for anyone listening to not join the dots to her general parenting approach.

There are few things more annoying than listening to someone complain over an over again but make no changes to improve the situation.

There are def some things he’s doing that I wouldn’t- the whole gap year thing affecting how much he’ll help them with uni seems a bit full on. My partner rushed going into uni straight from school and ended up dropping out after a year, as he just did the subject he was best at for A Levels but realised that actually he should have taken a year or two to think about it before spending such a big load of money on a degree that made him miserable. He’s still paying off his student debt for a degree he didn’t finish over 20 years later!

I think both of you have quite different approaches and your parenting styles aren’t mega compatible. If you really like him then why don’t you keep your relationship separate from your kids, enjoy dates and time together away from them and if you wanted to get more serious in the future, your children aren’t far off being pretty independent so there’s no need to force a blending of families that may well make everyone miserable. I would try to just accept the differences and not get defensive about your own parenting style and enjoy having a partner to do fun adult stuff with, without dragging your kids into it. My sister hasn’t done this with any of her boyfriends and it’s been a disaster for her kids.

Perhaps the problem with your partner is in your communication styles. When you vent about your children to him it sounds like you just want him to listen, whereas he is trying to help you fix the problem. They are two different approaches. Maybe next time you can preface the conversation by something like “I want to vent about x, I don’t need your advice or help to fix the problem, I just need you to listen” or words to that effect and then he knows where he stands.

Agree with others that you're at opposite ends of the spectrum and, if this is a long term relationship, I can see problems ahead even when grandkids come along. He's prepared his kids to be independent adults through chores and teaching them to budget by charging dig money. He rewards hard work with items which you consider spoiling them. I definitely don't agree with his demands for As and Bs as kids all have different abilities and skills. You, on the other hand, let your kids do whatever they like. They won't be able to run a home, cook or know what a hoover or washing machine is. They don't learn consequences for their actions or consideration of others eg by helping you out without being nagged. You seem a bit annoyed at how well behaved his kids are and sneer about it although you haven't met them yet. I don't see how you two can meld your families together at all.

He sounds fabulous 🤩

. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.

He sounds insufferable.

I bet scratch the surface and a whole lot of shit will come rising up to the surface.
Or not.

He does not sound very emphatic and I pity the poor kids.

You deserve a good man. Not someone who puts you down for just having a messy, typical household. That's life.

Never met any kids who kept their parent's home spotless. Would make me run far away frankly.

Adolescents never talking back to their parents? Arrested development comes to mind.

“You deserve a good man. Not someone who puts you down for just having a messy, typical household. That's life.”

Except according to the OP, the discussion comes up when she is the one complaining about her kids.

So it doesn’t sound like he’s walking into her house with his nose in the air saying, “god your house is a shithole because of your messy kids”.

More:
Her - I hate that my house is a constant tip because of the kids
Him - I allocate tidying chores to my kids, try that?

Who know the actual conversation, cos OP isn’t coming back 🤷🏻‍♀️ But she’s very clear in the OP that it’s her moaning about her kids.

Parents who don't give chores to their teenage kids are doing them such a disservice. It means they enter adulthood unprepared for basic jobs like cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Things that give them independence and mean they feel confident living outside the family home once ready to leave.

Likewise it's really troubling that OP places no importance on their grades. Not because everyone should get good grades but because her kids might have to potential to and by not encouraging them to make an effort, revise etc they will potentially miss out on opportunities they could hugely benefit from in future. Whether that's going to uni / having more jobs available to them / finding an aptitude for a particular subject etc.

There's a middle ground between piling the pressure on and not expecting anything over and above cleaning their room sometimes.

OP you aren't supporting your children to have the future independence and opportunities they deserve.

I think you should just stop venting to him about the kids because he is not gonna support you. He clearly has different opinions about how to raise the kids. He had to be strict because its tough to be a single parent raising 3 kids.

This reminds me of my own situation.

My sister-in-law and I had a baby 12 days apart. And every time we see each other she would start moaning to me that her kids (she has two) keep waking her up at 4.30 am and she is exhausted. Then she always asks me what time my little one woke up this morning and if I say 8 am she would become all jealous. “Ohhhh you are sooo lucky, you sleep soooo much, oh I wish I could sleep till 8 am”. But the truth is she always puts her kids to bed at 6 pm so of course they wake up between 4-5 am. And I was clear from the start that I will never do that as I don’t want to suffer with 4 am wake ups. My kid goes to bed around 9 pm and sleeps till 7-8 am. It works for us. Of course I told her this multiple times but she doesn’t want to hear and just keeps saying that I am very lucky with my little one and she is jealous 😂OMG, whatever)))

Agree. My parents expected hard work and grades (within each of our differing abilities). We have all ended up with successful careers; I was a natural hard worker anyway, but my siblings are glad now they were pushed at school age.

My cousins, in contrast, were raised similarly to OP’s DC. It seemed a lovely, free environment to grow up in, but fast forward 20 years and they’ve struggled. My cousin openly admits she’s asked her DM why they allowed her to drop out of school at 16, and not pursue further qualifications. She understands it’s also her own issue, but she’s specifically raised to her parents that we would not have been allowed to drop out of things, and she resents the lack of parenting, as she calls it. She is raising her own DC similar to OP’s partner.

He sounds like a fantastic parent and is setting his kids up well. I was expected to have a part time job when I turned 16. My parents helped me out with buying a car so I could get to my job. I wasn't at all spoiled, we were quite poor. No i didnt have to pay rent but i moved to univeristy and out of hime at 18. He puts their money in the savings account, effectively they are buying their own things. You say they are often at their friends/boyfriends... Well then there you go that is their relaxing time. I really don't think it sounds like your parenting styles are compatible and it will be unhappy for you and your kids constantly being in comparison with his. Although people are born with a personality it is shaped by their environment, so you can't say he is just lucky to have well behaved children. Him and their mother have done well by them and set good boundaries.

Your kids are normal. His kids are regulated as if they are in the army. I don't think you two could live together.

No they don’t. His love is shown in things and is conditional on their behaviour and ability. Hers is time and effort and is for their true selves. She might have normal kids, but he’s creating adults that equate love with money and worth with wealth. They’ll have everything they want and struggle to love themselves and others. They’ll probably be able to afford their therapy, but will likely also be the cause of it in others.

Also I don’t think she’s criticising. She’s questioning her own parenting. Good parents are rarely sure and never rigid. Because all children are different.

I had parents like you OP. At the time it felt amazing I could pretty much do what I wanted. In my 20s I realised I felt unsupported with no direction. It put me back years in relation to confidence, which in turn meant it was many years before I went for promotion/ studied/ felt I was good enough to challenge and push myself.
You are doing your kids zero favours.
My mum and dad were like this because they were a bit hippy, but I wish they had been more invested in my education, like my friend's parents.