New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

He sounds fantastic and the children sound like responsible, well adjusted people. Nothing wrong with high expectations, high rewards.

You sound insecure about your parenting, and despite your assumption that his children are miserable, it appears your children are coping less well, so maybe some of his strategies/boundaries may work.

In any case, it’s good he’s keeping your families separate, as blending would result in a very fractious/ potentially damaging environment. Just enjoy what you do of him and take parenting comparisons off the table.

Kids thrive with boundaries. He sounds a touch controlling, however I agree that he seems to generally have it very well worked out.

So his children are learning how to keep a home of their own and life skills eg cooking,budgeting etc for when they're older and are developing a work ethic and understanding the meaning of hard work?

I see no issue with that.

As for being encouraged to get good grades;well there's stiff competition to get into good universities and lots of them require A's and B's to access the courses.

You haven’t even met them but are very sure your judgements about them are correct. I wouldn’t blend the two sets of kids, won’t go well for anyone.

I say keep your nose out. You have both been parenting for a long time and talking negatively about his style of parenting now isn’t going to change anything. Also his children have lost their mother, you have no right to be questioning why he decides to treat them a certain way.

you say in one breath that they are told they have to get jobs, good grades, keep their stuff tidy and then in another breath call them spoiled for being given cars? I would say they are being rewarded for being well behaved focused young adults.

Stop getting involved In how he parents and focus on your relationship of just him and you.

This.

He sounds great to me, raising hardworking, productive citizens.

His kids are learning if you work hard, you get results! Sounds great to me!

He sounds a bit too controlling to my mind, particularly of how his children spend their time. He is not giving them enough autonomy over their big decisions, like a gap year, and not enough creative downtime.

Its good to have structure, but the impression is - do it my way and you will get material rewards. No wonder they seem compliant. I agree that being given a car on your 17th birthday is OTT. I got a provisional licence on mine and the offer of some driving lessons - which gave the incentive to learn and have a car. He should allow their individual personalities some breathing space, and give them his time and understanding rather than expensive gifts.

@Cantalever I agree with your re the gap year.

But these bits:

He sounds a bit too controlling to my mind, particularly of how his children spend their time. …. not enough creative downtime.
... He should allow their individual personalities some breathing space

Did you only read the OP? In a subsequent post OP said his kids spend their time hanging out with friends and boyfriends. Which sounds like plenty of breathing space and not controlling at all.

OP just thinks that (and sport) compares unfavourably with her kids sitting at home on video games for hours 🤣

I mean, we can’t all be sporty social butterflies, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with gaming in your room. But it’s hardly something to criticise his parenting over 🤣

Those children have lost there mum he probably had to run a tight ship to keep them in the straight and narrow and to keep them from wallowing about the death of their mother

Maybe his kids realise the importance of all chipping in since they lost their mother and probably has grasped how hard it is for him too

Damn right his kids get the latest tech and get cars because they are respectful and work hard despite the hell they have been through they deserve to be rewarded. I'm sure he doesn't beat them with a belt if they get a C. Maybe it does seem he's putting e here into materialistic things but such is the modern world.

His children sound like they will make great adults and be able to function in the real world and will need this especially as they have lost their mum

Good in him and good in them

There's also nothing wrong with your parenting either it's personal choice plus kids personalities do effect the way you parent

He sounds like a great father, and I wish I'd had that sort of parenting.

He's setting his kids up to reach their potential, do well at uni, get good jobs, and from all of that have a lot more choices in life than it sounds like your kids will have.

You don't care about your kids' grades, one of them barely scrapes 75% attendance at school, they spend hours gaming and one is vaping.

I know which one gets my vote as being a great parent.

The only thing I disagree with on his side is expecting certain grades (sorry, but helping them achieve a good grade yes, expecting a certain grade, no) and saying they cant have a gap year, like he is a dictator! The rest I agree with, I will be buying my two a car at 17/18, I incentivise them to get good grades, if they get a job (only from 18) I will take money and put it away (they wont know they will be getting it back) for 'digs', they need to learn how to budget, it would be a small % of their wage but I will 100% do that.

I think you have very different parenting styles. I would say from what you are describing yours are the spoilt ones not his. I base this on you basically stating that there is no expectations whatsoever on yours to me that is a spoilt child.

What would concern me is that this suggests very different morals and ideologies and that can make it hard to merge going forward.

I have 4 young 20s btw mine were expected to cook regularly and do their own laundry. Dishes and clean up of kitchen was on a rota. Money they earned from jobs were theirs. No car given but yes I'd have confiscated IT if there was reason (only once) I expected good grades in school but it was reliant on each child's ability (I have 2 very dyslexic dds)

So my parenting style is somewhere between yours and your partners.

This.you sound so different. I can't see this working sorry.

Sorry but he does sound like a better parent than you.

Pretty much the only negative people are agreeing with is the gap year - I did myself, in a reply to another poster.

But re-reading, look at the detail of it!

*He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
*

So this guy is actually full supportive of a year off, he just prefers the timing to be after uni. That’s not unreasonable. You can definitely see post Y13 as a risk that they’re going to mess about not doing much, not getting any value from it, and then fail to go to uni as they’re out of the habit of it.

Given his parenting sounds pretty good, who is to say this hasn’t been his rule to discourage it at 18, but in reality if his child said, “I can defer my place on this Business degree, and I’ve seen this <thing> I’d like to do this year that’s going to benefit me in <this> way”, that he wouldn’t be flexible?

It also sounds to me like he’s saying “I’ll support you for 3 years, if you choose to make one of those years a gap year, just be aware that that’s 1 year of support used up.” He hasn’t said they can’t! It sounds like a way of making sure they know Bank of Dad isn’t bankrolling a year long holiday. They can still do it. I’m sure they could say, “actually my gap year will be working not holidaying so I don’t need £support” and then he’d still do 3 years support at uni.

OP is clearly trying to pick faults in all his reasonable parenting, so I think she could be egging the pudding on this point 🤷🏻‍♀️

“To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed”

Look, having your phone taken off you at school isn’t the crime of the century. But your youngest is Y11. Which means they’re well out of the territory of that being “something a bit silly”. So I agree you’re too relaxed. The way you causally post that it’s silly. It’s not silly, it’s breaking a clear rule with no reason when they’re well old enough to know better.

Sounds like the difference between the kind of parent who just laughs about the phone removal, kids will be kids, and one who says, “kid - you’re too old for that behaviour”.

You don’t have to back the school by removing the phone for a week at home. But it does sound like you’re at the opposite end, not even thinking it matters.

Even the very fact that he has selected not to introduce his children to a fairly new relationship is a positive in my eyes. Particularly one that already is having issues. And throw in fact he knows about your teens not getting a B between them; school refusing; vaping etc… i can’t say in his shoes i’d be too happy about introducing my kids to them either.

I don't see any issues. And not pushing your kids does not necessarily reflect well on you as a parent. Maybe break it off as you are incompatible. This will lead to many problems in the future.

But doing sports and hanging out with friends are relaxing. Different people like different things.

From your first post I thought you were a troll who was looking for a reaction but from your other post I don’t think you are.

After reading more of this thread I only hope to be as good of a parent as he is. With children that have done well and respect him despite their difficulties in life. Hats off to him not raising disrespectful little shits.

It is spoilt

He's setting them up for the future, in a good way.

I would much rather his parenting style than yours. He's preparing his kids for a more realistic life and I'm certain that his kids are better behaved too than yours. You seem to see his boundaries as something negative. Why is doing chores, having consequences and expectations of them bad? Your whole not taking devices away because you have yours - are you their friend or parent?You describe vaping as silly things, I know the type of parent you are. What's wrong with a car? They probably earned it and were deserving of it. I wouldn't want to be with you knowing how judgemental you are.

I definitely agree with this