No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

I think the complete opposite. Don't ask for goodness sake: just be happy for your friend enjoying the wedding excitement, and the bride and groom. They are not YOUR friends, they do not owe you an invitation!

The words you use - 'ghosted' 'gleeful' 'direct confrontation' and so on - they're all wildly inappropriate for the situation you describe.

Your friend's daughter is getting married. Let your friend be giddy and happy about it, wish them well and lose the somewhat bitter-sounding overtones. It is NOT about you!

Maybe the initial conversation was simply announcing it was happening, so "Oh they've picked the venue. It's Downton Abbey next June"
Now a few months down the line the list has been drawn up. MOB knows youre not invited. It's not usual to inform people they've not invited. It's also not unusual to talk about an upcoming event either.
Get over it

😆😅😂🤣🤣🤣

How close are you to the actual bride? When was the last time you talked to her? Do you keep in touch with her often?

Yes, this.
You're the brides mum's friend.
I don't think I invited my mum's friends to our actual wedding, not because of not liking them or anything, it's just you can't invite everyone!

I didn't get involved in kid's wedding invites. They invited who they wanted to - it's their day not mine whoever is paying for it. I'm sure there were friends of ours who 'expected' an invite.

You DO come across a little "Needy Baby/Greedy Baby" - maybe it's that!

If she gets defensive next time she's going on about calibre of guests passively aggressively say wish you were invited to see it but you're sure it'll be a wonderful day

Maybe the capacity of the venue they have chosen does not allow for many people?

We pissed off a lot of people by our choice to have a (cheap!) register office wedding where the max capacity due to safety regs was 40 people - which allowed for immediate family and close friends but not distant relatives and all my mum's mates - but I could equally see rich people wanting to get married in an intimate setting. "Rich" does not always equal huge wedding.

Of course you still buy a gift and send good wishes. It's tactless of your friend to keep going on about it, but don't make your non-invitation into an issue which comes between you.

My DP was upset about not being invited to his close friend's wedding, really gutted. Turned out he was invited but friend had messaged him via Facebook which DP doesn't use! Basically mistakes can happen. so whilst it's likely you aren't invited it's odd your friend is still talking about it all in front of you as if you are, so perhaps there's been an oversight. I'd just ask straight up and say sorry a bit awkward but I haven't actually received an invite. If I'm not invited that's ok but it would be good to know either way. I would also definitely still send a card and gift if I were you as that's the classy thing to do. If you aren't invited and your friend keeps going on about it I would probably distance myself a bit from her as that is pretty selfish, hurtful behaviour.

I’m in a similar position. My oldest friend’s DD is getting married in April and it suddenly struck me when I was having lunch with her the other day and we were chatting about the wedding that I haven’t been invited.

But it’s fine. 🤷‍♀️

The OP isn’t close to the bride, she’s friends with the bride’s daughter. Utterly bizarre to expect an invite.

One of my oldest friends always invites us to her daughters weddings (3 so far). I think it is a case of Mum and Dad are paying so they can invite their friends. We feel we have to go, know very few people and sit on the table of 'mum's friends' near the car park. So, I wish she would just let her daughters invite a few more of their friends instead of inviting us. Be gracious - but don't send a card or gift- it will just make them feel guilty. Ask to see the photos and be nice

On the one hand, I don't think you should feel hurt because a friend's daughter doesn't invite you to her wedding. Even if she knows you, she presumably isn't a close friend herself; your friend is not in charge of whom her daughter invites; and couples often don't invite their parents' friends.

It's lovely that her other daughter did; but it doesn't mean a deliberate snub if this daughter doesn't.

On the other hand, it's a bit insensitive of your friend to chatter to you about the wedding and other guests if you're not invited. But I do think that you should clear the air by asking her directly in a non-confrontational way whether you are on the list, saying that you need to know whether to book time off. It may be that you are invited and the invitation went astray. It may be that you aren't on the daughter's invitation list, but the mother assumes you are. It may even be that your Covid last time was misinterpreted as a 'diplomatic illness', and that you are thought to dislike weddings. Any of these seems more likely to me than that you are being excluded as a snub, or because someone considers that a doctor isn't of sufficiently high status (after all, to most people, at least outside the present Cabinet, doctors are considered to be of pretty high status!)

Ask her.
invite could have gone missing?

I wouldn’t expect to be invited to a friends daughters wedding, it’s the brides decision and not your friends. The fact that you went to the other wedding is irrelevant.

I'll never get why people expect to be invited to weddings. It's their wedding, just be happy for them.

I would never ask. It’s embarrassing for everyone. In the highly unlikely event that an invite has been lost, surely they would chase you for an RSVP?

I think the days of big weddings where people invited their parents’friends are in the past now. I invited two of DM’s friends because she had died and was a comfort to us all when she was ill, so it was fitting that she should be there.

Wedding numbers are limited. Not everyone makes the cut. It’s not personal I’m sure. Let it go.

Send a card, but no gift. That way then you’ve taken the slightly moral high ground.

I think the etiquette, as in what you'd expect to find if you looked in one of those old-fashioned books, is that if you don't get an invite you don't have to send a gift. But you might wish to.

There is no particular reason why her daughter would invite you to her wedding. She is your friend's daughter. You can't invite everyone to your wedding just because they send birthday cards and are pals with your parent. You are not a family member. It makes no difference how many 'millionaire status' individuals may or may not be involved.
However, your friend is being so tactless about it all, it makes me almost think she assumed you have had an invitation? That would at least explain why she is talking about to you in such a way.
I would not usually say this but in this case I think next time your friend talks about it, just be direct and say "Are you aware I haven't been invited?" Or "It sounds lovely, it's a shame I wasn't invited". Not uber tactful but at least you can see what her reaction is. The daughter is under no obligation, but it seems to mean a lot to you so just get it out in the open. Of course you can then decide if you want to send a gift.

We did not invite his parents' friends because I barely knew them, and they would have made up a large chunk of the wedding party. His parents pushed it, but we stuck to our guns. We wanted a small wedding. It would a have added £50pp onto the bill and we didn't wanted to spend that money. If these friends were coming there would also have been a pressure to 'keep up appearances' and we'd have been expected to spend even more on things like wine, extra food and decorations, and we didn't want the fuss and pressure for people I didn't know at all and he only really knew in passing.

But I would also add, we never did save the dates and we sent the invites out 3 months before, so you might well be invited.

I never mentioned ghosting anyone or direct confrontation or being gleeful about anything - and I haven't said anything that suggests bitterness or thinking anything is all about me.

You have clearly tagged the wrong person @AlLumi

Some of the posts on this thread are a real heads-up not to spend time, effort and £££ on friends' children, follow their careers as adults, or feel delight for their successes and happiness. Chances are, none of it means a thing to them so don't bother getting involved!

But she was invited to this woman's OTHER daughter's wedding 18 months ago. She couldn't go because she had covid. Perfectly understandable to think she may be invited to this one.

As pps have said @AngelinaSpin Just ask her.

But she was invited to this woman's OTHER daughter's wedding 18 months ago. She couldn't go because she had covid. Perfectly understandable to think she may be invited to this one.

Surely that depends on who the invitations are from?

If from the mother yes.

If from the couple(s) themselves-why?