No invitation to Close friends daughters’ wedding.. known bride for 30 years

[AngelinaSpin]

I’ve known my friend since our kids were friends at primary school. Our daughters’ (2 each) were best mates before they went to different High schools. I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts. I have always been close to them as they grew up, especially when their father left them.
I was invited to the eldest one’s wedding 1.5 years ago - couldn’t attend as had covid, but gave 4 days notice I was ill straightaway. I still sent a card & gift of £75. I had only been invited as a single guest- no plus-one (my husband died 10 years ago), but I know most of their extended family pretty well, from family birthday parties & gatherings.
When her younger daughter announced her nuptials, this summer, I was excited, even told my friend I’d get use out of the (expensive) dress I’d picked out for the first wedding. There was no mention that I’d be excluded. But I’ve heard nothing.. no Save the Date, no inquiry asking why haven’t I RSVP’d yet; then no formal invite.. and yes, I know they’ve been sent.
My friend is gaily talking about the dress, the venue, her other friends who are going… I’m simply being ghosted. TBH, I don’t understand why. Both the brides were/are marrying into millionaire status families, so it’s not as if money is a consideration.
I imagine this is a case of ‘their wedding, their choices’ - but I am hurt.
I feel as if a direct confrontation is not an option here.. my friend can be extremely defensive, and I’ve no desire to have a fall out. She’s had many opportunities to broach the subject of my ‘non requested’ attendance, and is almost gleeful over the calibre of the grooms guests attending. (Maybe I’m not worthy enough! I’m an NHS doctor by day - when I’m not attending weddings).
Next problem.. AINBU - do I still send a card? A gift ? As I did with older daughter? AIBU : Do I send Nothing at all? I have no idea of the etiquette in these cases.
Thank you all.

@Newphony · Today 17:15

In my circles a £75 wedding gift would be considered extremely poor. Perhaps she thinks you are tight.

PEAK MUMSNET! 😆

When I got engaged my parents presented me with a list of over 75 people they wanted to invite (they weren’t paying) including the vicar who christened me (first and only time we’ve met to my knowledge). There were actually a few of my parents friends who I wanted to invite - people who I’d grown up with, were like aunties and uncles to me, who I chat to independently of family situations etc so they made the cut. My parents then got very argumentative about two couples they wanted (people I’ve known since I was a teenager but not people I’d ever see/speak too unless I happened to time a visit home with them seeing my parents). Eventually I gave in and invited them. One half of one couple didn’t turn up (no excuse given) then they all left the second dinner was done - didn’t wait for the cake/first dance etc (we had a late afternoon wedding so there was only about 3 hours between the service and first dance and they lived locally). To be honest I still bear a bit of hostility towards my parents for how they bullied me over that (and other aspects of the wedding) which is a shame.

A wedding guest list is tricky and unfortunate there are people you’d like there who can’t be accommodated due to numbers, then having to not invite other people who you are closer to etc. I’m sure it’s nothing personal.

My Mum had friends she wanted to invite to our wedding but couldn’t and DH had family members he could only ask to the evening event. The reason was due to the numbers we could actually afford. Not everyone gets an invite. Yes it’s a bit sad but don’t bear a grudge- it’s really not worth it especially if you’ve been friends a long time.

Maybe she's a masked crime fighter by night.
Don't be so judgemental.

@SiobhanSharpe

We transferred the money over to them early last year.

Groom's side have contributed nothing.

We've even paid for groomsmen's (and there is a lot of them) shoes and socks

Last night I dreamt about the stag party and future son in law was arrested for throwing chairs off a balcony. I'm wondering if I've acquired some psychic ability.

(He definitely wouldn't do this - I think.)

Almost Forty years ago at my first wedding, where my Dad paid for everything I can remember we were told we could invite 80 people because that was how many the hotel we had chosen held for fire regulations. My first husband and I both had lots of friends we wanted to invite. I recall complaining to my Dad that I didn't want to invite one male cousin, his wife a a DC, who had always been mean to me and Insisted on inviting the whole of my best friends family with Mum, Dad and 6 DC because they had always been lovely to me. My friend's Dad was one of our witnesses. I recall my Dad didn't like not to invite this cousin but eventually he accepted it.

Have you asked if the invitations have been sent yet?

I would point out to your friend that as you haven’t been invited to this wedding you really dont want to hear her gushing in about it and the status of people going as it upsets you, and implies you are not good enough but you accept it’s her daughters wish

and noI wouldn’t get them anything, just send a card

It was nice that the other daughter invited you but that shouldn't be the expectation. I mean how well do you actually know this woman? I don't mean how long have you know her family but her personally. Have you ever been to her home or socialised with her other than at your friends home?
I think you have inflated your significance to her. I can see that might hurt.
You mention money but guests aren't allocated specifically around cost. It's more likely numbers. You would be taking a place thst could be allocated to someone they want there. This isn't really about your friend. Most couples now plan their own weddings. There's a good chance she doesn't think there's anything thing amiss. I think your mistake was mentioning your outfit. That's a bit embarrassing/awkward now but that's on you not your friend or her daughter or her fiancé (do you even know him).
As for a gift, that's entirely up to you. I'd definitely send a card though and I dont let your disappointment spoil your friends enjoyment

When did you last have a conversation with the bride that was more than just small talk pleasantries? Do you know anything about her boyfriend other than that he has a “millionaire status family”(which sounds a bit crass to be honest)? Has she ever made an effort to come and chat to you in your own right at an event, or does she just join in chat between you and her Mum?

I invited two sets of my parents’ friends to my wedding but that was only because my parents had sadly passed away and I wanted someone there who remembered them and what I was like as a child. Their friends knew them better than relatives did. If Mum and Dad had been able to be there themselves I probably would not have invited their friends.

^ this

The reference to being an NHS doctor is because the groom's family apparently appears to move in high circles. A doctor should have some status.

The £75 comment is just silly. We don't all have the same income.

We had about 60 people at our wedding and about 15 of them were friends of parents! DH didn't want one couple there, but knew if we invited a couple he did want there, the ones he didn't "had" to be invited too. And of course the couple he did want there, couldn't come. And another couple couldn't come either, although they were, in fairness, DH's godparents and so would probably make the cut even now.

Total minefield!

Our parents did contribute to the wedding but didn't pay for it in full - we paid a significant chunk of it ourselves.

Like a pp when I look at the wedding photos now I wonder why there are so many people I didn't want there just so that our respective parents didn't get hassle. And also friends I am no longer really in touch with other than via social media.

Slaps own wrists!

😆😆

OP.
The best thing to do is ask your Friend.
I am with PPs though in that its the Daughter's Wedding, not your Friends.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche
Even in these self centred times I thought that if parents had shelled out considerable sums for the weddings they could request some input into their DD/DS's guest list.
The mantra these days seems to be that if the B and G are paying for their own wedding they call the shots -- venue, size, guest list , the lot. Which is obviously fair enough.
But in your case it sounds like you've been shafted. That's a big discrepancy in numbers -- could you tell your daughter you'd really like your friend to come. It would mean a lot to you and her. And seeing as you've paid for loads of her fiancés guests anyway would one more make much difference?

.....

I’m 30 and getting married. I have a venue that holds 100 people. Lots of family I have to invite. So lots of my friends I have to exclude.

I’m having some family friends because my parents are making a financial contribution. But really they’re my parents friends, they’re not mine. You are the mums friend not the bride. It’s not personal. It feels hurtful but it’s no longer “the parents day” as it was so it’s not routine to invite family friends to modern weddings. Lots of people my age have been shocked I’m having any family friends but I don’t mind as I’ve been close to a few of them growing up and want my parents to have a nice day.

At the end of the day, it’s not the mums wedding, it’s her daughters. That’s why you’re not invited. Im sure it’s not meant to be a personal insult but it sounds like they could be far more sensitive about it!

It's an awkward reality that knowing someone for 30+ years, especially in an obligatory relationship like parents' friends, doesn't mean that you treasure or even like that person.

We did invite a couple of people for the sake of parents, but we wouldn't have invited them for their own sakes. In twenty odd years time, I don't expect to be invited to my friends' children's weddings.

If there is a post after the Summer about somebodies disappointment that her long time friend did not attend her DDs wedding, then we will know its OPs friend.

I do admit though, and agree with others, that banging on about a Wedding to You is rather odd if you are not invited. Callous in fact.

Even if money is no option there are still limits on guests at most venues. The bride is entitled to invite whoever she wants - she will have her own friends to invite as well. It’s hurtful if some of her parent’s friends are going and you’re not among them but there’s not a lot you can do about it.

I'm not sure they do. It's clear to me who's wedding it is and no ones response so far seems to indicate they've misunderstood

We received gifts from friends of my parents even though we didn't have space to include them. They weren't people who sent presents for adult birthdays/Xmas but had seen me grown up and were kind enough to send a wedding gift. I think it's a bit sad that people wouldn't send a token gift unless they were invited.

Most people are aware that times have changed and you can't afford to invite everyone you might want to. I've certainly sent small gifts to my friends' dc when they got married but were restricted on numbers.

@SiobhanSharpe

I believe the rooms are full to capacity.

I also understand that there will be 'gatecrashers' on the evening - from what I've heard.

I definitely wouldn’t send a gift and card if I wasn’t invited.

YANBU to be upset, but I wouldn’t dwell on it. You are friends with mum and she may well have had v little influence over the guest list.

I still visit my friend weekly. I send her girls birthday/xmas cards & small gifts.

Do you receive "thank yous" directly from the daughters for the gifts?
Does your friend reciprocate and send your daughters gifts?
How often do you see or hear from the daughters?

The point I am making is to what extent do you figure in their (now grown up) lives?