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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say No to this charity BS

343 replies

EffingBirthdays · 16/01/2024 07:34

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

OP posts:
TempName247 · 17/01/2024 22:12

Agreed you need to message the group saying wires have been crossed and you had not even spoken to your son about the idea, you’ve given it more thought and it’s unfair to the gifters and unfair to the children!

TempName247 · 17/01/2024 22:14

If you don’t make a stand, he will remember forever his mum giving away all his presents

LittleMonks11 · 17/01/2024 22:19

Is the ringleader party mum like Amanda from Motherland?

Teledeluxe · 17/01/2024 23:47

Would the mum who suggested this be happy for her child to give her mum’s birthday presents to charity? DS’s gifts belong to him.

sunnydays1543 · 18/01/2024 06:30

I wonder if these parents donate all their own birthday presents to charity!

Justfinking · 18/01/2024 06:57

MrsSunshine2b · 17/01/2024 21:38

If you've decided to go along with this, please make all the parents aware. I would not be buying a gift. I give money to charities I support, which is always more valuable than toys, and if I buy someone a gift I don't anticipate it will be taken from them before they've even opened it.

I agree with this, I would be annoyed if my gift was given away if I had not been made aware that this was going to happen

Justfinking · 18/01/2024 07:00

EffingBirthdays · 17/01/2024 19:20

sorry all I am having to deal with a sick DS so it’s been fun two days 🙄

just to clarify on my original proposal of “sharing one gift”, we ve done this before , we basically put all presents down after the party (the ones with either no name or all of their names together ) and divide.. they just chose from the pack of gifts and they are always quite happy like that

By sharing the party, the cost came down and we managed to invite whole year group. I simply cannot afford more than ten ish kids. I feel quite crappy not inviting other kids 😣

Someone mentioned here I should be careful for next year .. good call and there is nooooooooo effing way in my life time I share a party again… I’d rather eat a screwdriver ! 😶

No clue which charity we re going for , they’re debating , I’m staying out of it but I know at the end me and the other two mums will end up organising the whole gift giving .. the VM mum with the bright idea tends to “delegate” she’s good like that she’s done fuck all for this party

Some of you here suggested I do something special for DS… lovely idea, I ll take him somewhere special straight after party

thank you all massively for your responses xxxxx

I actually think the sharing the gift idea is a great one, it's a pity it's turned out this way. I also think donating is a lovely idea too, but it's mean the birthday kids don't get to keep any of the gifts (assuming thw adults have all decided this and thw kids haven't been involved. Sorry haven't RTFT). Kids being involved and wanting to give to charity is actually lovely, so this could have been a great idea if they got to keep some too! Hope it comes to a reasonable compromise for all

OldBeyondMyYears · 18/01/2024 07:02

I think there will be some very disappointed children on their birthdays. How sad 😞

As a mother it's your job to advocate for your child. You didn't. That's on you. There was a 'happy medium' to be found here, with some gifts to be charitably given and some kept for his birthday. That would have been lovely...I really feel like you have failed at parenting here because you didn't use your words, as other posters have already pointed out. You let the other parents walk all over you and you've let your child down to save a confrontation. That's so cowardly.

Justfinking · 18/01/2024 07:36

OldBeyondMyYears · 18/01/2024 07:02

I think there will be some very disappointed children on their birthdays. How sad 😞

As a mother it's your job to advocate for your child. You didn't. That's on you. There was a 'happy medium' to be found here, with some gifts to be charitably given and some kept for his birthday. That would have been lovely...I really feel like you have failed at parenting here because you didn't use your words, as other posters have already pointed out. You let the other parents walk all over you and you've let your child down to save a confrontation. That's so cowardly.

Oh cut the dramatics 🙄 they are some presents, it wasn't like the kids are all going to be starved and locked in a room for a week. OP probably was thinking she didn't want to rock the boat and cause her son issues with his friends if the mums all got offside which is more noble imo.

Elleviss · 18/01/2024 07:53

Surely the kids should decide where their presents go to.
There will be some pissed off kids at the end of the party when they can't take a few presents home to open just because some twat says they have to go to charity. Fuck that! I wouldn't even bother showing up.

00100001 · 18/01/2024 08:04

Jaydexx1 · 17/01/2024 18:41

Listen .... Like I said 3 kids birthdays straight after Christmas .... I'm a care assistant on Penny's and manage it so yeah it's about saving and budgeting properly. So kindly off you fuck with your rude message

And if you seen my first post it stated only herd of it with siblings. I'm certainly not narrow minded and don't think the only way for kids to feel special is an expensive party so come down off your high horse

Edited

So why are you implying that somehow a shared party isn't special enough and that somehow the parents are failing to celebrate their child properly because they can't be bothered to budget and save?

EarringsandLipstick · 18/01/2024 08:27

OldBeyondMyYears · 18/01/2024 07:02

I think there will be some very disappointed children on their birthdays. How sad 😞

As a mother it's your job to advocate for your child. You didn't. That's on you. There was a 'happy medium' to be found here, with some gifts to be charitably given and some kept for his birthday. That would have been lovely...I really feel like you have failed at parenting here because you didn't use your words, as other posters have already pointed out. You let the other parents walk all over you and you've let your child down to save a confrontation. That's so cowardly.

I agree with @Justfinking

I'm not in agreement with this approach at all, but I'm not going to tell OP she's demonstrated 'poor parenting'. I can well imagine the peer pressure she would feel - it's tough.

OldPerson · 18/01/2024 10:39

The party planners didn't think this one through. I would not be happy sending DC to a party where I was expected to buy 4 presents. You're talking paying £40-80 for every DC to go to a children's party. I wince at paying £35 per child to go to Legoland for the day and certainly wouldn't pay the full-price £68 entry fee. You either give out "gift nominee" cards to all invited children or you do the charity thing - because all party planners are only paying 25% of the party cost. And if 3 parents have already rejected the sharing presents option and agreed on the charity option, the democratic vote has decided.

diddl · 18/01/2024 20:31

I would not be happy sending DC to a party where I was expected to buy 4 presents.

No-I would have thought each kid would have invited 10 each.

I'd be wanting to divide what I usually spent on a present by 4!

AliceMcK · 21/01/2024 22:49

diddl · 18/01/2024 20:31

I would not be happy sending DC to a party where I was expected to buy 4 presents.

No-I would have thought each kid would have invited 10 each.

I'd be wanting to divide what I usually spent on a present by 4!

Which i assume is why op made the original suggestion to the other party mums to ask that only 1 present from each guest be brought for the boys to share, 40 presents makes 10 each.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/01/2024 22:56

Why don't you just say you've spoken to DD about it and he's really upset so you want to knock the charity idea on the head.

Please stand up for your DS. Donating all his gifts to charity js a really cruel thing to do.

diddl · 22/01/2024 07:28

i assume is why op made the original suggestion to the other party mums to ask that only 1 present from each guest

Obviously.

Just seems odd to me not to have invited individually in the first place.

AliceMcK · 22/01/2024 13:22

diddl · 22/01/2024 07:28

i assume is why op made the original suggestion to the other party mums to ask that only 1 present from each guest

Obviously.

Just seems odd to me not to have invited individually in the first place.

Yet to me it more sense to just say 1 gift and split in this scenario 🤷‍♀️.

As I mentioned, last year we threw a party with 3 children, different year groups so they all sent out their individual invites and revived presents from only their party guests.

Here though all 4 boys are in the same year, who decides what the split is? If what the OPs saying is true there is one Alpha mum who “delegates” then I guarantee she’d make it so her son get the kids who buy the best presents. Or you get into BB1 saying I want to invite X Y & Z but BB2 saying but Z is my best friend I want to invite him. No one really wants G to come but as it’s an all class party and everyone is invited who is left inviting him. Maybe Js mum always buys shitting generic colouring books and none of the BBs want that as a gift so don’t want J on their invite list…

It sounds like too much work, so all 4 boys doing one invite makes far more sense, to me anyway.

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