To say No to this charity BS

[EffingBirthdays]

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

Would you all even be able to agree on the charity? Usually when people do things like this it’s because the charity has benefitted them in some way or they have a personal connection. How are you going to find a charity that four young boys are passionate enough about that they’d want to donate their birthday presents?

You shouldn't have done anything and just let the parents bring presents!

You’re right all, stupid idiotic idea to say 1 gift max , I should have left well alone but I though I was being polite 🤔

just to respond: not an affluent area, it’s west London , some more well off than others in our school but the mum who proposed it is certainly better off than me!

on the sharing thing, we ve done this before, we just got the kids to pick a present but I admit I never shared a party with 3 others before

i am extremely tempted to go with the commments here and politely decline but I don’t have the balls, I can see them gossiping about me and my kid about declining charity work FFs !

I think it's a good idea and not that complicated.

Every guest buys 1 present, not 4.
Each birthday boy gets 1 or 2 presents not 40.
A charity for poor kids gets donations not zero.

Winners all round

I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

How will they share? What if two boys desperately want the same present? Seems a bit of a recipe for trouble.

i am extremely tempted to go with the commments here and politely decline but I don’t have the balls

Then, why not say "let's ask the boys what they want to do"? with THEIR presents

Absolutely not. I regularly give to charity so it's not as if I am against it at all but giving my kid's birthday presents away is just plain mean and it may backfire by making them resentful towards charity. Charity should be given freely and with the intention to help people, not confiscating gifts which will be seen by kids as some kind of punishment

Id be annoyed if i spent time picking a gift and the recipient was like oh we're just giving them all away. Seems ungrateful

This is perfect.

I don't understand this. If I bought a gift it would be something for that child not for "sharing". That concept is having the theory that all the gifts are just random stuff - not something specific to each child.
And then I would be very annoyed if they were given away.
Have they said a specific charity? Some charities I wouldn't want to support (like Samaritans Purse for example).
(Moral of this story is never have a shared birthday party)

“No gifts but if you would like to gift 50p -£1 the children can save this up”

”Happy to go with the charity donation, perhaps the boys would like to pick one gift each? Also think we should tell parents on the invite that gifts will be donated, so that no hurt feelings ensue.”

Explain to DS that this will be the arrangement, that he is not to grumble and you will take him to the cinema or something as a special treat for being so good about it.

And NO more shared parties!

Your mistake was having a shared party, and still presents.

My SIL (in a very affluent area, private school) has a very practical arrangement.

All the kids having a birthday in any month have 1 party - and a little overlap (so if Johnny is the only one in February, he goes with January or March party). All kids in the class go, cost shared by relevant parents.

It's €5 in a card for each birthday child. Nothing else, and no more. Each kid still gets enough € for a decent gift.

I'm not sure if they also agreed this, but the birthday location seems to be the same activity centre each time.

It means each birthday is no fuss, limited cost & easy organisation. It's good as most of these families are v well off. The parties could probably be insane, without this agreement.

Having a shared party and having presents is tough. It may not be the case that what Child 1 likes, Child 2 will also like so gets a bit confusing for those buying.

£0.50!!! I mean, I'm all for small gifts but c'mon!

That's a terrible idea.

So stressful for a small child to see a huge heap of presents & only get to pick one.

No, knock the charity idea on the head. Can't believe parents deciding to virtue signal with their kids' parties & gifts. They are only small & able to enjoy parties for a short time.

I should have been clear, pick one (unwrapped) to take home and unwarap it at home after the party. The other gifts don’t get unwrapped by the children.
So there’s no crying and fighting over a pile of gifts!

However I do agree it’s a bit desperate and the whole situation far from ideal…

I don't think it was stupid. Unless you're having a megabucks party, your costs will be quite reduced splitting it four ways. Personally, I would prefer to get one or two decent presents rather than four token gifts.

Buying gifts for the never ending stream of parties gets expensive. I don't begrudge it because my DC love them and it's polite. But if the parents are making savings by doing a joint party (and a four-way is a LOT) then I would appreciate the green light not to have to buy four gifts.

It's quite normal round out way. Kids just share out the unopened presents and take pot luck.

If your children tell any of their classmates that their gifts got given to charity, you’re going to upset a lot of people. My suggestion would be to suggest cash, and if desired, an amount could be given to charity afterwards by the individual parents hosting.

If a friend of mine was hosting a party, I usually asked on the WhatsApp chat what would they like, or would they prefer cash? That way the message got out about cash, without the party-giver needing to be grabby and ask for it. So I’d tee up a good friend to ask that question.

If my DD attended a joint party, then each child got the same amount of cash. I think with a 4-way split, I’d probably give £5 per child. I see it that otherwise my child would have attended 4 separate parties, so I’d still needed to have got a gift.

@Astonetogo

No, you were clear!

It's still a terrible idea (nearly as bad as taking them all to charity).

There will be a big pile of gifts. All but 4 will be donated. The child has to randomly select one, knowing there are loads of other gifts, any of which might be preferable - and they want more than one of course!

And on top of that, play nice don't make a fuss (about your birthday being messed up!) and you'll, er, get to go to the cinema.

I mean. Stop.

The reason I suggest going with it is that these mums sound gossipy and setting them against you would make life uncomfortable for a very long time.

Is there any chance they are calling your bluff on this? Are they definitely serious?!

@Lochroy

Which is why OP suggested that party-goers only bring one present each, not 4, and these would be shared out.

the "1 gift max" was a stupid idea, OP, so go back in the group and say that. And then say, very clearly, that the other boys can do what they like, but your DS would actually like to have the presents that people have thoughtfully picked out for him to have.

As for not having the gumption to say that in the group? You have children. You have to have the gumption to advocate for them.

I guess this is symptomatic of a problem

A lot of people today don't want piles of presents for themselves or their kids

They don't want the tat, the plastic, the duplications , the lack of storage space. The hassle of getting rid of stuff they never wanted

They don't want children growing up focussed on stuff not people and relationships and experiences

They don't want to help destroy the planet their kids will inherit

It's a culture clash

But what's the alternative to '1 gift each'? You can't expect parents to get 4 presents for a shared party!

The other way shared parties work is each person invites a small number. And only those invitees buy for that person. Same idea.

@Astonetogo but that's very unfair to the gift buyer.
I always tried to get something the child was into - so child A might get some Pokémon cards and stickers because they were Pokémon obsessed and Child B gets a Ninjago set because that's their obsession.
I would be annoyed if Child B ended up with the Pokémon stuff because they had no interest in it. I didn't buy it for them. I bought it for child A.