To say No to this charity BS

[EffingBirthdays]

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

As a guest at this party I would be very pissed off. Assuming the party is this coming weekend I would have likely bought and wrapped presents for each of the kids by now - potentally stretching my budget to do so. I'd expect some backlash here tbh.

You don't have to agree to a proposal. It's not even a decision. And you were not consulted.

4 boys sharing a party, and suggesting each invitee only bring one gift was a daft idea, how the hell would you decide which kid gets what present? As I, sure you're realising now, sharing a party with that many others is always going to be a tad fraught with how it should go. The giving all the gifts to charity is just another silly idea on top of a joint party that big, your suggestion (sorry) and this finishes it off. I'd go along with it, because you would have had no idea who, if anyone was bringing a gift for your son anyway. Is he old enough to understand what's been suggested? Personally, as an adult I'd still be gutted not to get any presents though. Can you suggest that a percentage is donated, so they still maybe get some gifts?

Maybe point out that you already give your child/children unwanted toys and clothes to charity. The idea of birthday is to replace items no longer used so why not say instead ask people to bring a clean and working Preloved toy to be donated and the boys have their new gifts

Clearly you spend far more time choosing party gifts than I did! Typically I just have a stash of gifts and pluck one out for the party. Yes there's the odd best friend choice but at that age usually the parents choose and buy.
I think it's totally unreasonable to expect people to bring 4 gifts to a party sothey have to be divided up somehow. I find unseen is best and saves arguments over one "cool" toy. Each to their town

On the day of the party @EffingBirthdays , make sure that Virtuous Mum knows (hereafter known as VM) that you will look after collecting any presents that are brought to the party and you will ensure that they get brought to the local Children's Hospice or Hospital and the kids there will be ever so grateful for them.

I have a sneaky suspicion that VM would try to pull a stunt on or after the day but I can't work out what that stunt might look like.

At least if you get to take charge, you can go through the gifts and work out what would and wouldn't be acceptable to pass along (in case there are some really unsuitable/unusable gifts) and then you can pass everything else along.

I agree with others though - if I had to go to the effort of getting a present in the first place, knowing that it wasn't going to be used by any of the respective birthday kids, I would probably either not get a gift and pass on the money directly to the charity or they might even get a re-gifted present.

@Sodndashitall in the early days of parties when it was the whole class type (ie age 4 or 5) I tended to go generic and buy notebooks and pencils/pen and some stickers - which always seemed well recieved.
Once the children were older and I knew them (and the parents) better I would always ask what type of things they were in to.
This is another reason why I don't understand the "I don't want to talk to people at the school gate" threads. Perfect place for a quick conversation about possible pressies.

Why are they sharing a party ? Or sharing gifts ? No way would I donate my child's birthday presents personally I would be removing my child from the party and doing their own one ..... Unless twins I dont understand why you would want your child to share their party with friends from school

Sharing a party with another child is very common, my kids have been to loads of shared parties. It often means a party that is too expensive for each set of parents to afford on their own, becomes affordable.

Sharing a party with 3 other kids isn’t so common.

It's not common where I'm from unless it's siblings. Party's don't need to be expensive if you have an imagination but sharing I would never make my child share because it's expensive save more or do something cheaper poor kids ... I have 3 btw before someone jumps in saying obviously you don't know what it's like having children.

Not sure where you are from but it’s very common in England. And I’d far rather my child had the party they want, rather than one I could afford. One of my children shared a party with his best friend - I don’t think he considered himself a ‘poor child’. He had a whale of a time.

How does that work ?

I mean 40 people invited. So does each of the 4 kids get 40 presents each ?

I mean giving all the presents to charity seems a bit harsh on the kids. OTOH 40 presents seems like an enormous amount, especially after Xmas.

Not only that, but surely you are on the hook for 40x presents in return. At £10 a present that is £400. Not to mention the pita of having to choose a present every week.

Or am I missing something.

Not true, my DDs have always had big parties, whole class, plus siblings. I’ve always thrown parties that can accommodate siblings. My older 2 DDs are 2 years apart and birthdays are days apart, it’s always been a joint party, last year we threw a 3rd child in the mix. The 3rd little girl had never had a party and her parents couldn’t afford one so she went thirds with us, we had over 50kids and they all had an amazing time. We hired a function room at a local con club, got a dj and let the venue do food.

i know not everyone is able to throw big parties, my DH and I save and budget each year to make sure we can.

As far as presents were concerned each child handed out individual invites so they got presents from their friends only. I’ve never expected parents to give presents to both my daughters, just the one their child is friends with.

Also to whoever was saying that no one thinks about presents there will be lots of generic colouring books etc… also disagree, I’ve very rarely bought a generic present I buy for the birthday child, fine in reception when your getting to know people, but as they get older I usually let my children pick and they choose what their friend likes. It’s the same with my DDs presents, last year turning 9 & 11 all their gifts were very specific to them from their friends.

Not sure the OPs going to come back to the thread now. Also waiting to see if the DM picks this up lol

No one is on the hook for 40 gifts. Not every child in a class has a party. Plus, not every child will be from the school, surely?

We’ve held joint parties in the past; we’ve invited the children (or boys) from class and then our own DS’ individual friends. It makes total sense given you’re mostly inviting the same pool of kids. Avoids clashing dates. Means parents aren’t continually having to drop off at birthday parties each week. Means we could run to a more expensive event like paintballing.

Each invited friend usually bought a birthday card (usually with cash inside) for the child/ren that invited them. So classmates would bring two envelopes; the outside school friends just one for the child that invited them.

OP, by giving in to the other parents you are possibly setting a precedent for next year’s party or birthday. I’d make it clear to your son’s closest friends’ parents that your son will gratefully receive any gifts. Message separately if you have to.

It's fairly normal.

3 kids in one class with birthdays within 2 weeks of each other and they all want a party. Makes sense to share it, seeing as the guests will be pretty much the same kids each time - no clashes, ⅓ price of hire etc... I'm surprised you've never experienced it before.

Yup never herd of other kids sharing party's i personally wouldn't have it wouldnt care how much I had to pay kids birthdays are once a year that's their time, would rather them feel special over saving money. Everyone is different though

Mention charity & people's brains fall out (not yours, the woman whose daft idea this was). No you are not unreasonable. At the very least you have to tell the guests & give them the option to just give the money to a charity. There are loads of charities I dont support & I would bject to my present being given to them. People who really understand charities give them cash. Not stuff.

Well good for you being able to afford £300 or whatever for a party. Others can't.

It also doesn't stop them feeling special....

Like I said kids birthdays are once a year.... Same day every year. And I have 3 with birthdays in January and February straight after Christmas. It's not about affording if you actually save or budget..... Kids are expensive. But once again everyone is different

Well it's stealing the line light from your child so yeah it kinda does

Good god this is why I don’t share holidays or parties. I’m sure the mums will feel smug about their selfless decision but it’s not about them ! A child should be able to have presents on their birthday. Absolute madness.

i Think it’s a great idea. A party is a celebration - there shouldn’t be an expectation of a gift at allo
people will feel pressured to buy a gift for every child otherwise - and with SO many kids celebrating their birthday at once it would be extortionate!! Ok, You told them to bring one gift that all 4 kids would share….but I mean how would that even work? How would people buy a thoughtful gift with the kids being so different?

I'd definitely say no. My DC would be devastated if I did that! Maybe just saw "aww that's a sweet idea! Unfortunately wouldn't work for my DC though"

Fuck off. Not everyone has a spare few hundred 3 x a year. There's people living hand to mouth, kids in the cold, parents going hungry, families reliant on n food banks and FSM etc... oh but if they just budgeted and saved , they'd be able to show everyone how much they truly cared about their kids.... 🙄

You're really narrow minded if you think the only way to celebrate your childs birthday and make them feel special is for them to have an expensive party alone. Presumably if you had twins you'd throw two separate parties?

Listen .... Like I said 3 kids birthdays straight after Christmas .... I'm a care assistant on Penny's and manage it so yeah it's about saving and budgeting properly. So kindly off you fuck with your rude message

And if you seen my first post it stated only herd of it with siblings. I'm certainly not narrow minded and don't think the only way for kids to feel special is an expensive party so come down off your high horse

OP just suggest to the other mums that the donation should be done without telling anyone as you feel charity shouldn’t come with bragging rights. See how quickly they reverse their decision to be charitable.