To say No to this charity BS

[EffingBirthdays]

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

Exactly. The poor kids. And this is the sort of thing that they aren’t just going to forget in a hurry; it’s going to be filed under “crappy things my parents did when I was a kid”.

By the sounds of it if OP had texted the other party host mums first thing this morning rather than posting on Mumsnet the situation could have been resolved before weird party host mum announced to all the other parents that they’re giving away the children’s gifts. Baffled by the sort of school where the child would get targeted because their mum objected to their birthday presents being donated to charity against their wishes?!

Honestly, next time risk upsetting another parent in order to stand up for what’s right for your child!

Do you have a good friend on the WhatsApp chat? I’d get them to post saying something along lines of ‘thanks, but my child wants to get a gift specifically for X’, so I’ll just do that separately’.

And who’s breaking it to the partygoers that the presents they’ve thoughtfully bought will be going straight to the charity shop.

Lol as if 95% if them didn't put next to zero thought into a random kids class party.

We all know they'll get loads of generic presents like colouring books, the works books, cars, sweets etc.

There might be 2 or 3 nice and thoughtful gifts, but come on...

I know you've made your decision now, OP, but I think this is one of the many times it pays to be less British. Just be upfront and say, that's a lovely idea for your next party but no, you won't be doing that for your children this year.

Who is going to distribute them
to a charity? The mum with the idea? Hmmm! 🤔 suspicious!
Tbh I bet they'll not get as many gifts now anyway- nobody will bother wrapping a gift to have it unwrapped to give to charity.
It just makes no sense
Bring a gift for a charity? Nonsense!
Donation fair enough but what a faff
Parents will say they have 'already donated theirs directly'

Parents will say they have 'already donated theirs directly'

Ahh, yeah, right...Now there's a thought.

Bet charitable mum never took this into consideration.

Maybe you should reply to the other 3 mums and say great idea however I do I think to save disappointment of the children that they can pick 2-3 presents each and then donate the rest

Seems like the perfect way to make four 9yr olds miserable on their birthdays. Literally the one day in the entire school year where it's about them, and their parents take it away.

Utterly baffling why a parent would do that to their kids - apart from the selfish part of not wanting more disposable tat in the house...at which point, that conversation could be had on an individual basis with the kids themselves at home, rather than forcing it on everybody else's.

I’d say. If there’s 40 kids, each of the 3 kids get 10 gifts and 10 given to charity. But make sure the payment buying are aware of this.

So probably not much use to any charity either?

Good point.

Either the presents are thoughtful and individually chosen, in which case it's a shame for both the buyer and the birthday boy to give them away.

Or they're thoughtless tat in which case I'm not sure why a charity would want them either.

Better to do a cash collection if you want to donate something. Perhaps ask for cash and split it between a local charity and the birthday boys?

I think I would put in the What’s App group chat. ‘Hang on a minute let’s let our kids decide if they want to donate any of THEIR presents to the charity shop. At least let them unwrap them and decide !

I’m also not sure how the children sharing the presents would work. Especially if they have different interests and people have specifically bought something. Or do they bring it in named and generic and the boys just split the pile to take home??

As for the donation. I’m not a fan. But some people do this. I know someone who’s child was on board and wanted to do this for environmental reasons so told the parents that if the child wasn’t expecting a gift but if they felt they couldn’t come empty handed then they would be donating gifts to the children’s charity. So what followed was parents being two gifts. One for the child and one to donate. Totally defeated the point. Some got the idea and brought the child something small like a bunch of flowers (female child but yes 🤷🏻‍♀️) or sweets. But majority did duplicate gifts.

@Astonetogo

Although I think most 9 / 10 year old are capable of understanding ‘only one is for you’,

Of course they are capable! But why should they have to accept getting only one present for their birthday and all the rest are given away?

Yes, teaching DC about giving to charity is a good thing - but their birthday's are not teachable moments, FFS!

I think the boys might have coped with it if it had been explained to them what to expect when the party was arranged, but it's now apparently only a few days before so surely they've got their hopes up by now

presumably the 4 boys have either joint friends, or single friends. So in that case when my DC have been to such parties, we have either bought a present for the actual friend, and a card for the others the DC don't really know.

and for parties where they were friends with all the birthday kids we usually got joint presents with the other friends who were invited.

It's not rocket science.

@Brefugee

That makes no sense.

It's clearly not a case of the boys all having separate friends - or OP wouldn't be in the situation.

And if they are all friends in common, how exactly would clubbing together with 40 other families work?

It's definitely not 'rocket science' to figure out a solution - but you haven't done it!

@pontipinemum

When my DS starts primary school should I be the one to try instigate this?

In my SIL case (private Southside school 😉) it's kind of the Done Thing so it was easy to set up. Yes, I think one of the mums said it early on.

His birthday is July so will not be the 1st in the year, or just when it does get to his birthday do it?

My nephew is June so a similar thing - I think it has to be at the start of the year so it is equivalent for everyone. I guess it won't work in every school but the shared party goes down a treat as it means they don't have endless parties, suits parents & kids seem happy.

Also maybe €10 as there will prob only be about 8 kids in his class, but there are a few classes per room so more might be invited?

I think the €5 works as it makes it very much a token & is then fine for shared parties where there's a few kids each getting €5. €10 starts to push it into the 'proper' present territory!

(I'm in Ireland too I recognise your name)
Waves! 👋 nice to see you!
I must say there was none of that for my kids at party stage - sometimes it was crazy amounts of money (3 DC, close in age). I would spend €15, €20 for a close friend. By 5th & 6th I spent €25 - €30 but fewer parties & closer friends. Madness!

yeah but if 40 kids are coming - each child will be getting £20-40. What more do they need?

They'll get £20 if it's 50p. It's just a bit mean ... no, they don't need more but £20 in total is a bit rubbish.

Ah @EffingBirthdays just caught up with your update.

That's really crap.

I understand your position, but feel so bad for your DS.

Do you really think you can't voice your doubts about this to the other mums?

Sorry you're dealing with this!

Too late now but I would have said no presents expected but if you want to give something a coin in a card would be welcome. £1 or £2 times 40 guests would allow the boys to choose their own nice gift and cost each attendee maximum £8.

Well, if a kid is ungrateful for getting £20 then there's something wrong with the way they were raised.

Cash in a card has been a thing in my circle since 9/10 yrs; roughly when the kids start to get to the age when they’re not into toys, but want other stuff. £10 was going rate for an individual party and it makes life so much easier for both gift giver and receiver.

@Oriunda

It's not exactly that it's 'cash in a card' - we had that too (or a voucher); it's that it's an absolutely fixed amount, along with shared parties - so there'll never be more than one a month.

I think they also decided on a particular venue - it's close to them & works well for lifts.

Some have done extra get-togethers for particular friends in the house, with family, but no presents then.

Only works of course if everyone agrees 💯 !

Well, if a kid is ungrateful for getting £20 then there's something wrong with the way they were raised.

🙄

Oh don't be obtuse!

A kid won't be ungrateful for £20. But at most actual parties, they'll get more than £20 - either in gifts or cash.

It's not about being ungrateful.

Yes that would have been perfect.