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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say No to this charity BS

343 replies

EffingBirthdays · 16/01/2024 07:34

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 16/01/2024 07:39

"I think the boys are going to be upset if we do that and they have no presents at all"

OR "no actually I am not happy with that"

SickOfSoreFeet · 16/01/2024 07:40

I wouldn't hesitate to be different and say my child would not be donating his gifts on his birthday. Clearly you didn't get a say. I'd just be non-conformist and too bad what any of them think.

KvotheTheBloodless · 16/01/2024 07:43

Just say you're happy to make a financial donation, but that you won't be donating your child's birthday presents.

I wouldn't give DS's gifts away, that's really mean! I'd not give my own away, so why would I do that to a child?!

The only option I can think of that might work is asking for no gifts at all, and cash donations to the charity instead.

NoKateMoss · 16/01/2024 07:43

Can you suggest that they all keep a couple each and donate the rest? The reality is that often most of the presents given after a party get ignored anyway so donating those sounds like a good idea.

TheLogicalSong · 16/01/2024 07:43

I don't get the sharing idea - who would be taking presents home? I think you started muddying the water by suggesting this and the others have now taken it a step further. You should have left it to sort itself out.

icelollycraving · 16/01/2024 07:47

I’d say let this be the last party share. This is tricky as you know you will sound mean spirited if you say no. Feels a bit worthy, but poor kids getting no presents on their birthday at their party.

VenhamousSnake · 16/01/2024 07:51

"I think the boys are going to be upset if we do that and they have no presents at all"

This.

Cheerfulcharlie · 16/01/2024 07:54

If the gifts are all going to be donated I think you should tell the parents in advance. If I’d spent time and effort choosing a particular gift I thought a child would like then I’d rather have known beforehand so I could buy something without so much thought and research or choose to donate money.
It’s tricky one when you have a shared party with 4 kids! It’s ridiculous to buy 4 different gifts as a party attendee but it would be easier to have no gifts or for one parent to organise an optional contribution to a voucher and it split between the 4 birthday kids and they can donate their share to charity if they like. I think vouchers take the fun away from a child’s gift but with a shared party of 4 it’s just too complicated to do anything else.

Whaleandsnail6 · 16/01/2024 07:54

Not unreasonable at all, it would be rare where a child would have a birthday party and not come away with any presents.

How will the sharing presents work? Will they be put in a pile and take turns choosing?

ohdamnitjanet · 16/01/2024 07:56

Ask the boys, it’s their party and gifts. I’d eat my hat if they agreed to it, I bloody wouldn’t. I really, really, hate people giving to charity on my behalf when they have no idea what I do or don’t already donate to. Plus the do goodyness, look at me, of it, it’s not costing anyone more money, they’re just diddling boys out of a birthday present.

MirrorBack · 16/01/2024 07:57

She didn’t mean ask everyone to make a charity donation? Seems odd to donate actual presents

Legendairy · 16/01/2024 07:58

That's an awful idea, you can't give all the kids presents away.

Pineapplewaves · 16/01/2024 08:00

How exactly does "sharing" the presents work? Surely the guests turn up with a present for each child or just the child that's their friend/invited them, you have a present table for each child and each child takes their haul home at the end?

I would suggest a present table for each child, tell them your child will be taking their presents home and they can do what they like with theirs. I bet they will give their kids their gifts!

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 16/01/2024 08:01

Both the sharing of gifts and this situation is unnecessarily complicated, I can’t imagine why you’d be in this situation in the first place! Horrible idea that the kids are never going to like. Who agrees who takes what home?

the charity idea is brilliant and actually would solve the above problem , are you only having the party in order to get gifts? It sounds to me like you have limited choices now and your kid might just need to suck it up!

Topofthemountain · 16/01/2024 08:03

If it is only a few days away it is too late for all this. Just let the guests do what they want.

LaPalmaLlama · 16/01/2024 08:03

I think the best approach in this situation would be a cash pot and the boys split the money- sharing out 40 presents equally will be a nightmare, especially if some of the guests only know a few of the boys or some of the presents are “targeted” to a certain individual. You are still going to get people who turn up with specific gifts and token gifts for the others.

i used to live overseas and there was this brilliant thing called “two presents” which was an invitation app where instead of presents you asked for a cash donation to be spit between the child and their chosen charity. Was hugely popular and convenient.

Gloschick · 16/01/2024 08:03

I think you need to do something different. If everyone bought everyone a present you would end up with 160 parcels of tat. How about each of the birthday boys choosing a higher value present which friends can then contribute to on amazon or similar. Then, given we aren't that far from Christmas, say you are collecting unwanted Christmas presents which you will donate to charity.

allaboardtheskytrain · 16/01/2024 08:05

"I don't think it's fair on any of the boys to donate all their gifts to charity. I suggest we share them out and donate a proportion of them". (That's if you're happy to donate a few)

Whataretheodds · 16/01/2024 08:05

"That sounds a bit faffy to me I'm afraid. I'd prefer to let DC have his presents and I'll look at making an extra cash donation to charity through my usual channels. "

Are you in a very affluent area, OP?

BlowDryRat · 16/01/2024 08:06

YANBU. I admit to quietly taking some of my own DC's birthday presents for charity, but only once they've opened everything, they and their friends have had all the excitement and then forgotten about half of them 2 weeks later.

I'd text back something like "Lol, I can just imagine DS's face if I confiscated all his birthday presents! He'd be gutted. How about we let people know they can make a donation to x charity instead of bringing a present. Then they have the choice and the kids will have something without getting a present mountain."

AgentJohnson · 16/01/2024 08:07

This all started with your max one present demand. You could reply and say that the donation for charity sounds like a good idea but it would mean a lot to the boys if they had a few presents to open. Throw some present themes the boys might like out there and to help the truly stumped. What you should have said was that due COL crisis for everyone and limited space at your homes, buying a present per child was not necessary the boys are so close with each other that sharing would not be a problem

EndOfABook · 16/01/2024 08:09

No chance. It’s your child’s birthday, they get presents. They can give to charity and be taught to think of others throughout the year. Virtue signalling bullshit I think!

Pineapplewaves · 16/01/2024 08:10

Gloschick · 16/01/2024 08:03

I think you need to do something different. If everyone bought everyone a present you would end up with 160 parcels of tat. How about each of the birthday boys choosing a higher value present which friends can then contribute to on amazon or similar. Then, given we aren't that far from Christmas, say you are collecting unwanted Christmas presents which you will donate to charity.

Where I live parents are becoming very "anti tat" and it's becoming more and more common just to stick £10.00 in a birthday card. The last party DS went to there were hardly any presents and a big pile of cards containing cash and vouchers. Wonder how those could be "shared" when all the cards have names on?

WimpoleHat · 16/01/2024 08:10

If I’d gone out and gone to the effort of buying a gift for a specific child, I’d be cross about this - much more efficient all round to donate a tenner to the charity. If the party is at the weekend, I think it’s too late to change the goalposts now and it looks a bit rude (“don’t want your crappy gifts” sort of thing).

Symposium · 16/01/2024 08:10

This is why I never dictate what people do about present giving. It's always messy.