To say No to this charity BS

[EffingBirthdays]

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

The present sharing sounds bizarre! I realise that 40 children can't each bring a present for all four of the party children, but how do the presents get divided up? I always found that my daughter was given some birthday presents, like makeup, which went straight in the charity bag, but most parents tried to buy something for her that they thought she would like. But if children are only bringing one present, what happens if most of the parents decide to buy for one particular child and bring presents that the other three won't be interested in? Will the children open all the presents together after the party and argue about who has what, or will they be divided up at random to be opened at home?

Come on OP - grab your gumption by the whoohaas and reply that donating the gifts to charity would be a terrible idea.
If the kids want to donate a gift from their split of the collection at the end of the day, you would be up to doing that but the idea that they would not have any birthday presents just doesn't sit right and is missing the point of only asking the guests to bring one gift.

Send the message. Go on. You know you want to!

As a parent I would be pissed off if I went to the trouble of choosing and buying a gift then having it donated to charity. I prefer to be in control of my own charity giving and not have it snuck upon me.

Just say "Don't be daft!"

I think taking 40 presents away from children on their birthday is absolutely ridiculous. Talk about virtue-signalling. The others have probably said yes out of guilt and are thinking the same as you!

capable of understanding ‘only one is for you’, just like picking a lucky bag from a shop of a gift from a bran tub! They’ll never know what’s in the other gifts, so no disappointment on what they’ve missed out on.

Depends on the child surely. My almost 9 year old would struggle at A. Having to make an unseen choice and B. Imagining what he hadn't picked. I also don't believe his birthday party would be the place to work on his resilience around those areas. I would have been the same. Hate still hate surprises.

As a parent I'd be annoyed too. I like to pick thoughtful presents for my dcs friends and classmates. Something relevant and personal. If party throwers want a charity donation instead or a book or indeed cash because the birthday child is saving up, that should be communicated at the point of invitation.

“My son is always very excited and grateful to receive birthday gifts from his friends, and we know that other parents put time and effort into choosing them. I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell him that we adults have decided we will give all of his 10th birthday presents away so I’m not going to join in with that.”

I honestly can’t think of any honest way to say it other than that! It’s such an awkward mess and the charity angle now makes it all about pitting the selfish v the virtuous.

@EffingBirthdays OP, you MUST stick up for your DC and say something. He/she comes first!!!

If you’re not bothered about presents tell the parents and say they don’t need to bring presents or to make a charity donation. Getting presents and then donating is a faff for everyone.

Well, firstly I think the "1 gift each and we'll share them out" is dumb. I'd either stick a fiver in all 4 cards or buy each kid a bar of chocolate/felt pen set/other small item that can be used.

I'd also ASK the DC what they wanted to do.

And, interesting how many people here are expressing annoyance at the idea of a present being donated to charity yet on another thread this is exactly what people are saying should be done as its rude to say you won't use/wear a gift

This isn't ok. I honestly don't know which child wouldn't want a present. I know a few mums did that at my dc previous school, the kids were not happy. Even worse they were only 5. I'm all for donating but not in this way.

@Brefugee I find one persons idea of "tat" is another persons idea of a perfectly normal present.
I hate the word "tat".
Does my head in.

@EarringsandLipstick that sounds fantastic! The €5 in a card is something I've heard a lot of online but not seen in person, my nieces birthday was recently enough and she got lots of actual presents. When my DS starts primary school should I be the one to try instigate this? His birthday is July so will not be the 1st in the year, or just when it does get to his birthday do it? Also maybe €10 as there will prob only be about 8 kids in his class, but there are a few classes per room so more might be invited? (I'm in Ireland too I recognise your name)

No way would I have been happy at that age to give all my birthday gifts to charity. I can't imagine any child being remotely happy with it

How about ‘I’m worried the kids will be upset if we tell them their presenrs are all going to charity, and also that their friends will be pissed off if they find out their presents were just given away immediately. I know my son won’t keep secrets! Thoughts?’

Honestly you all sound unreasonable (1 gift each ? If it's a party for 4 children then each child brings 4 regardless of the cost or doesn't bother tbh)

& no I wouldn't donate all my childs gifts to charity with no prior discussion with them & probably only being supported by other parents because the reality of a joint birthday pretty much means there will be uneven gifts/things going missing/debates about who's who's...ect

It sounds like a massive pain in the arse to be honest & id imagine donating the lot to charity is probably the easiest solution

Just tell her it's fine if her son wants to donate his share of the gifts, but it's up to the other lads what they do with theirs. End of. She's bloody cheeky for suggesting that they should donate their gifts.

Sounds a bit like this mum is trying to trump you by being even more 'thoughtful' but her idea doesn't really make much sense. I think it's great to teach kids about giving and chatity but i don't think their birthday is the right time to do it. If people want to donate a present to charity they can do this off their own back.

A 4 way split part is tricky and i agree withthe setiment behind your suggestion however I'm not sure how you would execute this plan in the most appropriate way. Ideally each party invitee is given only 1 specified child to buy for (however this could cause issues with friendship dynamics), a cash present where final amout is split 4 ways and the boys go shopping after (could be awkward/cheeky to suggest), sending a message to say 'please don't feel you have to but all 4 boys presents' (problem is 1 or 2 may recieve noticeably more but some will buy for all 4).

I think I'd be inclined to say nothing about presents in the invite and let invitees parents do what they feel most appropriate. 4 in one go is a lot to buy. I think I'd maybe just buy 4 x£5ish gifts instead of one at £15ish.

The weirdest part is the original idea of one gift between all 4 kids: how on earth would that work?!

We went to a party recently where they asked for only second-hand/re-gifted presents: I thought that was a nice option.

Why do parents not just state "no presents please" in the invitations? Surely most children (certainly those whose parents can afford to pay for parties anyway) don't actually need yet more junky stuff cluttering up their bedrooms? Why is there always an inferred obligation to buy a present?

i am extremely tempted to go with the commments here and politely decline but I don’t have the balls

Come on, part of being a mum is sticking your neck out for your kids at times and doing things for them even if it feels supremely uncomfortable for you. Or another way to put it- who would you rather be upset: your child or some school mums?

Children deserve to have presents on their birthday. I think it’s awful for adults to decline on their behalf.

yeah but if 40 kids are coming - each child will be getting £20-40. What more do they need?

I am weirdly invested now...

@EffingBirthdays How was the 1 present max, kids will share thing ever going to work?

Each kid invites x number of guests, their guests only buy for them?

I don't see any other way - how do guests know who they are buying for. What if boy A gets 40 presents and B, C and D get none (or any other obvious imbalance in present distribution)?

As for donating their gifts to charity - how to instantly make a birthday shit!

When my children were at Primary school and started to get invited along to birthday parties, I initially bought presents that I thought the birthday child would like and spent time looking around and choosing what I thought would be appropriate and a nice gift to receive. Sometimes 3 or 4 children would have joint parties and I would end up buying them all a present each because I didn't feel that I could just give a present to just one or two of the children and a card to the others that we didn't know so well. I treated the children equally even if my purse was all the poorer for it. Fast forward on about 3 years and one of the mum's had a great idea - she suggested at one party (where the whole class were invited, so 30 children in total ) that we all give £5 each. Oh the relief! Why hadn't we all thought about it before? After that, for the next few years it was an unwritten rule that it was £5 cash, per child, per party. One year, my son had about 12 guests at his party and received the princely sum of £60 cash. It was brilliant as he could go to the LEGO store and buy something of his choosing that kept him occupied for hours. Other years I did the organising and collecting the monies for the birthday child. The money was usually collected by one mum and presented as a gift voucher (if that's what birthday child wanted) or cash. It felt fair and if no-one could afford to contribute then they didn't have to. No one was keeping tabs and it saved them embarrassment - it was just much easier . Birthday parties are meant to be fun - but they can cause so much stress. Sometimes this option is the best and I am so grateful to the mum who suggested it all those years ago. Good luck, however it pans out and try not to get too stressed - at the end of the day it's about your children; take lots of pictures, have fun, and try not to worry about the presents. 🙂

You were right with the one present each idea. Shared parties are a pet hate for me simply because it’s less cost for the birthday children’s parents and more cost for the attendee’s parents (assuming your child knows both kids).

The charity aspect I don’t know. I’d probably go along with it because my child would have a pile of presents from us and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. If that’s not the case for your child then I completely understand and would feel the same.

i Love this! Makes everything so much easier!