To say No to this charity BS

[EffingBirthdays]

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

Just ignore the mum who has said this.
You have already asked for 1 present max. no need to do anything else.

But it would be a darned sight more efficient for the charities tell guests not to bring gifts and just make a charitable donation instead! Seriously, what a waste of everybody’s time and money!

To be honest I think it’s a bit weird for four young children to be sharing a party. Two, yes. But with four the potential for kiddie and parental politics to complicate things is really high - and look what’s happened.
You need to be honest, polite and firm. You’re not comfortable giving all of your son’s gifts to charity. Split the presents between the four and each parent can decide what to do with their pile.

@BusyMummyWrites01 surely you buy a gift that's something you know the child likes - not something random.
(I mean there is a possibility that the children having a joint party are all obsessed with the same thing - so it doesn't matter which one end up with the Pokémon cards)
It's the buying random gifts attitude I don't get.

that's never been my experience. Although the maximum number of kids hosting a joint party, IME, was 3 and 2 were twins.

Basically each child invited 8 other children, and the invitees took a gift for the child that invited them, and a card and something like chocolate for the two others. no fuss, no bother, no gnashing of teeth and wailing.

“Hi Mum. While I agree that over 40 gifts per child would be extortionate for the families of children attending and excessive for the boys, I feel like donating all 40 gifts (which we suggested are split between them evenly to save families money) would leave them disappointed as they are still quite young. It is also a very large donation and people have taken the time to select a thoughtful gift for the boys in particular. However, I really like the idea of teaching them the value of their gifts and how fortunate they are. Shall we donate a monetary gift to X children’s charity from us three parents? Alternatively, we could each donate a toy to a children’s bank?”

The idea in itself is good - kids have far too much 'stuff' and don't need to be spoilt further. But giving away all the presents is a bit much. Could you get the 3 boys to sit together after the party, and they each get to keep 2 things and give the rest away? And that way they decide who gets what? And they could all go to the shelter/charity and you could take picture of them handing the gifts over so they could feel proud of themselves.

"absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share"

So one kid gets the massive Lego set and the next gets a pound shop craft set?

Never heard such thing.
Having a birthday party and no presents.
Do the boys usually donate to charity?.
My nine year old Grandson would be most upset..
It strange to me to be sharing a party.
Have a table for presents. Ask friends to bring one wrapped present each then the three boys don't know what's in them.. then get them to pick same amount each .

Sod that. I will decide whether I'd like to spend my money on a gift for a birthday child or whether to donate to charity.
I'm all for children learning about giving, humility etc, but their Birthday is not the day to do that. IF your child turns round and says they'd like to give some of their gifts to other people then that's a different matter.

Should have stayed quiet OP and not decided to start controlling how many gifts people can bring - that bit you in the bum didn't it!?

Anyway I think the whole thing is ludicrous and you're going to have to get brave and say you don't agree you'd like the boys (or at least your boy) to have their presents. Some children / parents will have actually put thought into what they're going to buy. Also what an horrific thing to do to other people's gifts - they're bringing them for the boys not to give to charity.

NEXT TIME (ie not this time) if the mothers prefer donations to charity then you say so in advance - ie. no gifts please, but if you'd like to, our chosen charity is 'local food bank'.

I worry about people who want to control other people to this extent. I really do. It's a pervasive sickness in our society and in women it's frequently explained by chronic codependence.
What other people choose to do is none of your business. You declared a party, people are going to bring gifts. It stops right there. Everything else is uncalled for control freakery.

Can you not let them keep some and donate some? Presumably 40 invited so potentially 40 gifts, split between the 4 kids so 10 gifts each,
can’t they keep 5 and donate 5? Thats potentially 20 gifts being donated. That sounds reasonable.

Surely a guest will only be invited by one boy. If each boy has a card and gift table and then at the end of the party the boys can either take all gifts home or choose to donate a few from their pile. I'd suggest this.

I agree. When my daughter was at primary school, it was always part of the party 'routine' to go out and choose a present that we thought the recipient would like, sometimes having asked the child's parent if it was someone my daughter didn't know very well. Parents often asked me what my daughter did and didn't like when I sent out party invitations.

I that is meaner than no gifts at all. 🤣🤣

It’s never been an issue at any jointly held birthday my kids were a part of - as guests or the party child - you’re buying a £10 gift for a 9yo (usually books, lego or similar). Think people are being rather precious over this.

I'm sorry OP but 4 kids sharing a birthday party is too many. It sounds like it will be a fiasco with the birthday boys annoyed or upset because parents give all their new gifts away and parents of attendees miffed because they chose a thoughtful gift then the intended recipient had it taken away from him to give to charity. I think an individual can make a gift to charity but not force others to do so. I think parents offering their kids gifts away are being mean. They could donate to this charity if they wanted to themselves or indeed give their own gifts away. I'd say no I think my DC would like to keep his birthday gifts but I'll make a charity gift donation myself. Then I'd buy a gift to be donated to said charity.

'I've been talking to some friends and they were saying how upset they'd be if a gift they bought was donated. How about we do a cash collection with the majority (or whatever fraction you want to say) going to charity and each of the boys getting some money to spend on something they pick'

I'd fuck this idea straight off and not care about people talking about me at the school gates. No way would I be sharing a party with 3 others anyway it's a recipe for trouble, complicated and stressful. I don't like birthday parties at the best of times. Should of just let people buy what they want for who they want and deal with the stuff you don't want after.

I don't believe kid's birthdays should be turned into a charity fundraiser either it's their day. I'm all for giving to charity just not for my kid's birthday.

I can't imagine how this works and it sounds like a recipe for hurt feelings.

Also I'm guessing this is a 'privilege' thing because for some mums a £10 gift would put a dent in the budget.

So, how does it work? Take little boy X to buy a £10 present for his good friend Y at school. This involves an extra trip to the shops and a whole conversation, X spends copious time uhmming and ahhhing and finally decides on the perfect thing because he knows it's a subject his pal Y is interested in. He's anxious if what he's getting is 'good enough' or if other boys are spending more money. Wraps it, labels it, addresses it to Y, hands it over at party... only to be told... oh it's been given to child Z -or- worse, yeah we're giving these to charity. At this point, if I was mum I'd be aggrieved at the waste of time, effort, money, and emotional input, little boy X is going to be confused and disappointed and little boy Y is also.

How many people's feelings can a group of people hurt all in one day?

Just let people do what they want to do. Stop trying to control other people and certainly do not agree with taking children’s presents and giving them to charity. If people want to donate fine if people can’t afford a present fine but please don’t spoil your children’s fun by taking from them.

no no no no to ALL ideas!!!

I have a nearly 9 yo and the care and attention they put in gifts, even to kids they don't know so well... they would be SO disappointed to have the present they chose given to someone else or to charity. FFS

if you want charity donations open a justgiving and don't be surprised if people don't donate!

what a stupid idea!

At a shared party my niece went to, the party invitees parents clubbed together and bought vouchers suitable for kids (books, gaming, whatever).

So the money was collected by one person who then divided it up between the birthday kids and bought separate vouchers for each one. Also they said a cap of £10 in total (contribution), not per birthday child, as with a lot of invitees coming, divided up between birthday kids it still made a generous voucher amount each.

Invitees could choose to go in with that or do their own thing so could still get present if they wanted, but it was nice and easy all round and made for less present wastage as birthday child could choose something they wanted with the voucher.

But I would not want to be giving presents away, that's kind of insulting to the children and parents who may have carefully spent time and effort choosing a present specifically.