To say No to this charity BS

[EffingBirthdays]

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

Weird. My daughter shared her birthday with another two kids from school. We all gave a fiver each and there were 3 presents, one for each child. I don´t get why it has to be so complicated.

Tbh I'd be quite annoyed if I was asked to buy a gift for a party just so that it could be donated to charity.

I don't have lots of money but I'd be happy buying a gift for my child's friend for their birthday party, however I wouldn't bring a gift if it was for donation. It's an unnecessary spend at a time that may not suit, if I want to make a charity donation I'll do it myself and to a charity I support.

I'd suggest replying "That's a bit extreme - the boys aren't unreasonable to hope for some presents but certainly we can donate some. How about we pool the gifts recieved and divide them into 3 roughly-equal piles and each child can choose a few things to keep from their pile and donate the rest"

Just one gift and then sharing them out is a great system - it also means people don't have to worry about buying something they have already, as the chances of all four already having it are small. Taking turns to choose one is likely to give a reasonable distribution, perhaps reversing the choosing order on the second round.
A compromise on the charity donation idea might be to split the gifts five ways instead of four. I see no point in encouraging people to bring gifts and then give the lot to charity - I'm sure most people would rather donate cash themselves than go to the lengths of buying a gift, and the charities would rather have the money.

So all 4 kids are all inviting the same friends?

I mean if my child was just invited by one of them I'd only be buying one gift.

We once had a birthday party where we asked parents that rather than buying a gift for DS1, they contributed to a swing/slide combo he wanted. People gave very varying amounts from £3 to £20 (where a sibling group attended). It actually went down very well and some of the kids used the equipment later when they came on playdates! We topped up the rest and my DS had something he used for years. We did, however notify people when the invites went out and so no-one had already bought presents and it was when he was of the age when the whole class gets invited! A photo of the equipment went out with the thank you note. I think parents need to know well in advance about specific present plans and it's not something to reorganise a few days before a party!

Be brave!

The party is only a few days away so people will have bought gifts. It’s too late to change the narrative. Besides, what kid really wants to see all their presents given away? That’s really cruel!

I would say that you don't agree for the above reasons. And that you would not have agreed to share a party on those terms. That your child will be really upset to see all their gifts given away and that as it hasn’t been discussed it’s not fair to the children or the parents who have bought them gifts.

I would be really cheesed off to find a gift I had chosen was just given away, no matter how much I supported the charity.

And I would not be holding joint parties again…

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

What have the other parents said about giving their DC's gifts away?

I'd just tell her that she's more than welcome to do that for her DC if she wants to but you know for sure that your DC will be upset.

yep, i mean we've always asked the child's parent what they would like / we could buy, and it was often Lego, felt pens, books, that kind of thing. Nobody has ever said "just go to the market and pick up plastic tat, we love that" and conversely we've never received tat either.

The organisation, planning and potential for offence and disappointment with this plan sends a shiver down my spine. I’m glad I had younger children a few years ago where you just organised a party, accepted gifts, let your kid play with them or gave them away to charity if there were duplicates or not their thing.

All the rules for parents seems so unnecessary and then adding the charity element into it, whilst a nice idea, is likely to cause eye rolls if presents are already bought with the specific child in mind, and could easily come across as virtue signalling. Young children shouldn’t have to feel guilty for wanting presents on their birthday - there are loads of opportunities to teach them the importance of charitable giving.

The other parents probably agreed because they didn’t want to look bad. Can’t imagine any of the kids will be thrilled with it. Make a stand and suggest they at least keep some of the presents, or all of them and a cash donation is made to the charity.

Take back the one present max thing.

If my child had been going to the party would have given a gift to each child. That’s the polite and correct thing to do.

TBH I think it is unfair to do this at this stage - the kids will be expecting a few presents now as that was part of the set up - few kids want a party without gifts, especially at 9yrs.

If this had been decided at the outset and agreed (indeed led) by the children, then ok - I’ve had friends whose children have themselves asked for money to go to charity rather than birthday gifts and set up a go fund me type page (one had a sibling with cancer so asked for a funds to go to a children's cancer charity). But it has to be led by the kids - NOT a virtue signally parent so late in the day.

I’d push back and say no.

I think you need to do something different. If everyone bought everyone a present you would end up with 160 parcels of tat.

And what charity would want or be able to deal with that? While some guests might give bigger presents that a charity could use, others will really be of no value to a charity.

This.

Four is really too many to share a party anyway. The gift situation was always going to be a nightmare.

I actually would find this really rude to just giveaway the presents the parents have bothered to buy. If you want to give to charity then you need to inform the parents beforehand. If you just said that 'that's fine in principle but if you are going to do it the parents need to be informed so they can decide' then it wouldn't come across rude on your part.

Ps some people seem to be confused - when you have joint/multiple child party birthday, the idea is that each attendee brings one present only that goes into the pot, so to speak. The 20 or so gifts are then shared equally, so each birthday child gets 5-8 gifts. There won’t be ‘160 parcels of tat’. It’s usually a ‘whole class’ thing, not a parting with a zillion guests/gifts.

Oh I missed its in a few days, in that case@EffingBirthdays you need to reply and say you're not comfortable doing the charity thing in case parents have spent time specifically choosing gifts for the children and it would seem really rude as they haven't been informed in advance.

The parents will have labelled gifts specifically so take your child's gifts home and do what you please with them.

I would be really displeased if one of my child's friends threw a party and in order for my child to attend I was expected to buy gifts for each child whose party it was. It would actually stop me from going.

What do the children say?!

Why should I have to choose a gift though that won't go to its intended recipient? I wouldn't attend a party where gifts were just divvied up.

At our school joint parties, we just put a pound in a card for each child - saves a lot of hassle and money. Every child then has around 25-30 pounds (depending on how many children from the class attend the party) to buy something.

What about the kids choose 2/3 presents each and they donate the rest? I mean, it could be a total
disaster if they choose shit ones, which could be a possibility if the guests know they’re being donated anyway…

I would not like this at all. We choose gifts for a recipient, not just to go randomly in a pile.

Just say you realise you overstepped making present suggestions to try and be helpful - and that parents can feel free to do as they wish. Say you are sure any presents the children receive on their birthdays will be greatly appreciated and you didn’t mean to suggest that the children receive no presents at all as naturally this would lead to disappointment and upset.