To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

Agreed logically take the child but with a plan of DH taking her away if it's too much.

Really what's wrong with trying?

Your sister sounds like a nightmare. If it’s so important that the kids are there then she should provide a childminder to help you out.

You need to take a step back and take a breather from all the wedding/family stuff. (The fact that you are posting at 3am says this is not right and impacting too much).

Your newborn is the most important thing in your life right now. Getting a good bond with them is a now or never thing - and is crucial for their development. Its already made more difficult by the needs of your older child - but that is life. Cocoon your little family, Become a family of 4, make space for all 4 of you.

The reality is with an SEN child you are not going to be able to pander to your sister at her command. Your child's needs will have to come first or they will make your family's (of 4) life very hard and the added unnecessary stress on the child will impact their lives. It's hard for people who don't have the experience of SEN kids to understand sometimes, but your Family of Origin seems to be pretty twisted to begin with. Your sister is the nassisstic Golden Child, and your are the scapegoat. Don't allow your foo to scapegoat your children too.

Tell your sister and your parents that you (+/- baby) will attend if she wishes but she will need to let you know by.. deadline for booking accomodation etc. Or you will assume that none of your will attend. Also child and dh will not be attending and that is not negotiable. Then switch them all to mute and walk away. Let her tantrum, let your mother stamp her feet to protect the golden child... and breathe and look after your family of 4.

Your DC and their comfort is the priority. Your sister having a tantrum about it is her problem. The only person ruining anything is her. She is choosing to ruin your relationship. She is choosing to ruin her wedding. Ultimately, you need to priorities your child over a grown up irrespective of the fall out. If your sister doesn't understand it then she's a shit aunty. Honestly, she sounds like an entitled princess and I wouldn't be pandering to her nonsense.

I personally don't get offended if children aren't invited. But if someone does think children should be invited, it doesn't follow that they therefore think children should be mandated.

I'm in the minority and think your DH is being too rigid. Despite the updates you originally said that DC would probably be fine, so your opinion is just as valid. I would take the child as it is a family event and the children are welcome.

If your DC has a hard time, will other family members be willing to help, or will it all fall on DH?

You're dealing with a special needs child and a very new baby having recently given birth. Your sister is being a proper nightmare and I'd be telling her to shove off quite honestly. Weddings bring out the worst in people.

If it wasn't a distance away I might think it worth going & see what happens.

To be having to find a quiet place at the venue or cart back to the hotel sounds a pita.

What was said between your DH and Dsis to make her kick off?

Your DH may have just had his fill of her selfish behaviour. It’s not his sister, he’s not going to have the FOG that family do.

I have a middle aged SIL who thinks she’s the only person in the world, and we are all here just to facilitate whatever she wants. My DH says nothing, and PIL facilitate her very poor behaviour. I don’t give her an inch, and I keep her at arms length. My default setting with her is “no”. I often wonder what’s going to happen when PIL are no longer around and there’s no one facilitating her behaviour and acting as her flying monkeys.

Your DSis’s behaviour needs addressing long term.

Also the entire quote is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, so your little guilt trip in a quote is entirely incorrect

Thanks for this,* *@HaddawayAndShite.

And in fact the covenant between wife and husband is considered to be particularly strong in the above context, so, say, pandering to a spoiled sister at the expense of one's own marriage and children is definitely not to be recommended.

Tonnes of people have troublesome relatives. Learning to manage them can take a lifetime, or not-quite-a-lifetime if you set some ground rules, up to and including not giving an inch over tantrums.

I think if my/my husband's relationship with my very similar sounding sister is anything to go by, your husband has seen you and your family unit getting pushed around by her over the years, and as such is now making a stand and digging his heels in.

The thing is, he's not wrong. I totally understand the feeling of wanting family harmony, and as such wanting him to cave to keep the peace because you know how it feels to be the bad guy, or the scapegoat.

But if she had approached this more reasonably, he may well have been more open to negotiation. But by behaving in her standard fashion he's not being given any motivation to.

In the long run, making a stand and standing up for yourself and your family will only be a good thing. But I get that right now you are feeling vulnerable, and it feels like he is against you because you want to appease your sister. But if he is normally a sensible, genuine person who has your back try to reframe it that he is allowing himself to be the bad guy here and standing up for the needs of your family unit so that you don't have to.

I am very glad your husband has the balls to stand up to Bridezilla. Angry indeed. You are the parents, you decide whether it is appropriate for your child. And quite frankly, after your description of her attitude, if I were him, I would rather stay home and watch Netflix with my daughter and stuff popcorn.

rebounding on two things you said OP
"she's very angry with me" - she has no right to be, she is not the mother of your children and will not be taking care of them during the day.
"our relationship won't be the same" - it seems your relationship needs to change. I couldn't figure out her entitlement until your further updates, there is a power imbalance here in favour of your sister which is deeply embedded in your family dynamics.

Whether you choose to take your DC or not is your choice, and your DH's. Luckily you are in agreement, so leave your DC with someone they trust and enjoy the wedding!

My advice would be to say kindly that this is your joint decision and not engage further. She doesn't get to decide here, and the fact that she thinks she does is madness.

Good luck! Family can be very complicated sometimes ;)

Your husband needs to look after DC regardless so I would have him go with you.

how is OP to bundle the reluctant DH in the car? OP and DH both think the child won't cope. The sensible option is OP and baby go, or nobody goes.

Both your dsis and your DH need to get over themselves and come to an agreement - without troubling the one person who is being easy going here, you.

Neither decision sounds to me to be wrong - your sister wants all her family at the wedding but your dh doesn’t want to do the extra work it’ll entail for him (and mainly him as you’ll have the newborn).

They both have to stop stressing you out about it - you who has recently given birth and needs to be considered as much as possible. You don’t have to “manage the communications”. They need to come to an agreement and not blame you if they don’t get 100% their own way.

Why is your sister's feelings more important than your husband's concerns about your child's comfort on the evening?

Everyone is aware that if they put pressure on you, you will bend. So both DSIS and DH seem to be trying to heap more pressure on you so you bend their way. This is monstrously unfair on you, the person who shouldn’t be coming under pressure.

I have a child with sen who would find a wedding all day overwhelming. I would say take child for the ceremony but they don’t need to stay all day. Let your husband take them home. You are both going to be stressed before it begins. Do what you need to do.

Your DH needs to support you and what you want to do as it's your family wedding. You won't get this back.

If you feel DC will be fine then he should be there to help you. It sounds as though he doesn't want to go and is using dc as an excuse. he can bring them back to the hotel if too much, or if that doesn't work, could take them home and come back to collect you the following day.

As others have said, sadly the invites will dwindle as they get older. Enjoy the family time together as much as you can.

your sister is being a brat sounds like she has form

she'll hardly notice dc she'll be too busy

Your sister sounds like she doesn't give a shit about you. If conserving the relationship is important to you, I'd go along with it all and your kids can both come down with vomiting and diarrhoea a day or two before the wedding, forcing DH to stay home with them while you go.

Your sister is being ridiculous and selfish. Your first priority must be your children and then husband and yourself. Neither of you think that your little one will enjoy the wedding so you definitely shouldn't take them. Sorry OP but you need to step up and stand firm on this.

Why all the argy bargy?

She invited the four of you. The only necessary response was: DH and I will be there. We'll be bringing the baby. Alternative arrangements have been made for toddler/infant to ensure your day is not interrupted and you and we can relax.

Why make it into a drama.

Can DC just go for a Couple of well chosen hours then be collected by the Grandparents of the uninvolved family ? We did this arrangement twice to recent family weddings and it worked really well.

OP said earlier that those grandparents will be away.

It doesn't help that the venue is 'a long drive away' and thus they are in a hotel.