To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

if my DH told me we should do this for his (spoilt brat) sister? I'd tell him to have another think. And that if DC really must be there, he would be on his own because I'd be at home with my feet up watching TV.

I find this whole pandering to weddings and brisezillas so immeasurably strange. It’s one day that’s all.

It sounds like it's going to be drama either way.

You don't bring them along and she kicks off - and makes threats about your relationship never being the same. If she's going to cut you out her life, then if its not this, it'll be something else. You didn't bring them to her child's first birthday, you didn't arrange a baby shower, you gave her the wrong housewarming gift.

You bring them along, and either have a miserable time trying to manage the DC - and she'll complain you're not getting up to dance, or leaving the room, or some such. Or the children will "act up" - the baby cries 2 mins before she enters, or DC coughs too loudly. Either way their behaviour or yours (even if its in the realms of standard) will "RUIN HER WEDDING" if its not exactly what how she wants you and them to behave.

Do what's best for the DC and yourself, even if that's going with DC, with no expectations > letting them behave how they can while you smile serenely thinking "well at least they are here like you wanted DSis?"

At the end of the day, it not the bride who will be looking after your DC on her wedding day. It’s you and DH. If you can’t get DH on board then I really don’t think you should take DC. His points must be ringing true with you, as DC dad he’ll know what he’s talking about. It sounds like it will not be good for DC but will also affect DH being able to enjoy the wedding. I would sit down with your sister and say that as DC parents, you know them best. You really don’t think it’s best they come. Explain that if DC comes it will be quite stressful for them and the chances are real that you and/or DH will have to leave part way through the day if things get too much for DC, and so you’ll miss part of the wedding. Surely sister wouldn’t want that?

Your husband is setting a precedent that your SEN child can't go to any large events. That is really unfair, and he will just have to get used to dealing with the child's need for quiet time etc. Sounds like your husband doesn't want to go and is using this as an excuse. If your child can't go to his aunt's wedding where will he/she be allowed to go? Is your husband planning to keep them house bound? If your husband was a decent man he would just suck up having a slightly stressful time to facilitate your family attending this wider family event.

The issue is now that I don’t think sister actually wants me anywhere near her wedding so all of this planning is for nothing!

So thats all fine then, crisis averted

If you were a man, OP, people would be telling you to "grow some" and stand up to your sister. It sounds as if the whole family tiptoes around her, which is madness. Frankly, she sounds like a monster and I feel sorry for your DH having to deal with your family dynamic.

You need to reset boundaries with your bullying sibling and staying away from her wedding, given the circumstances, would be a step in the right direction. If she lives a few hours' drive away you already have physical boundaries to help you reset.

I would definitely choose not to bring DC but as my sister says she’ll never get over it then I feel I must.

You don't want to bring DC. Your husband doesn't want to bring DC. Ffs start being a parent and put their needs first. If its doubtful they could cope with a wedding what makes you think they could cope with being shunted to a strange hotel room every couple of hours? If DH has to look after DC by himself because of you looking after a newborn then DH has the final veto. Your sister needs to grow up.

Your sister sounds manipulative and controlling. Do you think you might be blind to this in her?

It's your child - not DH, not DS - who should be centred here.

I think it's this so she can do the whole "look how inclusive and amazing I am" .
I've a DC with asd and you absolutely know yourself when an event won't be suitable . I'm off to a family christening party on Sunday afternoon with DDs and DS is going swimming with his dad instead. There will be a disco and children's entertainer which is my DS's idea of hell. You know your own child OP. Every child with SEN is different so no point in posters coming on here saying "talk through the day" "bring fidget toys" "just take them out" . Sometimes if the child becomes so overwhelmed the meltdowns can be horrific and can start a chain of events for the entire day which is miserable then for everyone. You poor thing OP to be dealing with a newborn on top of this drama.

Would a solution be for you DS to arrange a quiet/family room so that your DC and DH can easily and discretely step away when needed? I completely understand (am a parent of 2 ASD/ADHD kids) how on edge you can feel as a parent at these events, fearful that your child will have a meltdown and ‘ruin’ things for everyone, but a seat at the wedding near an exit, a room off the reception marked private prepped with stuff that calms/sooths your DC (and where you can take the baby for feeds/nappy changes) might put his mind at rest.

I would go back to DS and simply explain that his concern/anxiety comes from a place of not wanting her special day spoilt and wanting a safety net for your DCs?

no. He is agreeing with the OP that the event will likely lead to overwhelm. Where he differs from OP is that he's not prepared to expose a young child to that overwhelm. With the added point that OP has said it is going to be DH taking care of the DC all day at this (potential overwhelm) event because she'll be busy with a baby.

In this situation? DH gets to decide what he does. Not OP and certainly not OPs sister/parents

Read this back to yourself. You and DH are on the same page but you are so caught up in pleasing your sister at all costs that you are throwing him under the bus to keep her happy.
Stop it. You, your DH and your children are the important ones now. Put yourselves centre of your own lives and keep her far away as possible. You will be much happier in the long run.
And who are these idiots who think DH has to suck it up? He's the only one acting on the best interests of his own child!

This 100%. Your sister is bullying you and clearly likes to rule the roost. Put your child’s needs and those of you and your husband first and don’t let her intimidate you.

I wouldn't go and the selfish madam would have to get over it. If she and the rest of the family fell out with me so be it. It would save any future drama over events.

If both you and your DH agree that it won’t be good for your child to be there then the conversation you need to have isn’t one where you convince your DH to go against your shared instincts. It’s with your sister to explain why it’s not happening.

And the sister doesn’t .??

I couldn't disagree more.

In this case the OP has said that their child would be stressed if made to attend.

The DH is putting their child's needs FIRST.

Thus is NOT a situation where a SN child is being excluded - quite the opposite.

OP'S sister is, frankly, an utter cunt. She isn't putting the child's welfare above her own Wants is she.

High time you stood up to her OP. Your DH is right.

Absolutely. The CHILD'S needs come first. Bridezilla can get to fuck.

Your husband needs to look after DC regardless so I would have him go with you.
The worst that can happen is that your husband has to withdraw DC for some time to a quiet little room with some favourite toys and food or to a garden etc.
It's up to you and your DH to be organised.
For DH to stay home you all would have to be organised too.

Op you said ". But he’s not going to put DC in an environment not entirely suited to their needs because of it."

Are you prepared to do the same or do your ds needs come first?

Me? I'd probably go in two cars, with Dh prepared to take ds home when he's had enough. And I'd tell the family that you've both agreed this (don't sell him out).

I'd stay with the baby as long as I didn't then get attitude of anyone, if so I'd also leave.

Your family do not treat you well, your feelings and that of your Dh but incredibly also your ds don't matter at all. I'd be seeking therapy as to how to unravel it all.

Op surely it's good for your DD to be exposed to bigger family events.

I think your DH is stirring and just doesn't want to go. It doesn't sound like either of you like your sister.

Okay, I’ve only read OP’s posts, but I’ve read all of them.

You and your husband know what’s best for your child. If your sister loved your child as much as she claims, she would want whatever is best for the child.

She doesn’t want that, so don’t be fooled into thinking she wants the child there for the child’s sake. My take is that wants the child there so that she can be praised for including her, or at least not criticised for excluding her.

Stop putting your difficult relationship with your sister above that you have with your husband and children. You have to live with your husband and raise your joint children together in mutual agreement. Seeing your very unpleasant sister less is a small price to pay for doing what’s best for the family you’ve created.

Go with what your husband suggests. If your sister cares at all, for any of you, she will start thinking about what’s best for you. Though I suspect she won’t make any sort of effort in your direction.

This really sounds like a mountain it is a molehill situation. Bring your child or don't. It isn't a big problem. Your DSis isn't going to fall out with you because your DC isn't there.

'out of a molehill'