To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

Your relationship with the woman not being the same if you don’t bow to down to her anger and demands sounds ideal. Enjoy the peace. Don’t make your kids be involved with your dysfunctional relatives.

Your sister is trying to blackmail you with the ‘I’ll never get over it’

she is trying to blackmail you. Remember that.

a small child is neither here nor there in terms of weddings imo. They don’t really understand what it’s about, they can be fun and funny with their shenanigans but mostly they’re just there and can be a pain (truth, not anti kid!)

it’s nice for your sister to say everyone is there for her. To have family pictures, which could happen afterwards if everyone wore wedding clothes for a post wedding shoot. And this is a thing where autistic kids are concerned who just get overwhelmed on the day!

but what if you can’t be there?

you’re post partum. Anything could happen between now and then and you have A SEN child adjusting to a new sibling with its new sounds, smells and division of attention.

It’s going to be hard. Your child may cope for the ceremony then you may have to bail. No pictures for her with you all in.

they may not cope at all

or they might thrive with it all

it’s perfectly reasonable for you set the expectations low in terms of your child for that day. Your husband and sister both need to understand that. Your sister especially.

but remember she is blackmailing you with the ‘I’ll never get over it’

Sounds like your sister is the Golden Child. I have one of those too. If you go to the wedding and your DC can't cope and needs to go outside (even for a short time and without making any sort of 'scene'), what are the odds your sister will later say you ruined her wedding? People like this always kick off. They're like spoilt children who never grew up. If you don't go, she'll kick off. If you do go, she'll find another reason to kick off. FWIW, it took me years to stand up to my sister. She didn't like it and we've not spoken in years. My God, it's been the quietest and happiest few years of my life. Wish I'd stood up for myself sooner! Go or don't go, the choice is yours... but just be aware if she doesn't explode over this, it'll soon be something else... and you will always be in the firing line. That's how these people work 💐

But OP has said several times that she agrees with DH, and if it was up to her (with no input from her sister) she wouldn't take them.
So I don't think it's really fair to put all that on DH

I understand how vulnerable you’re feeling and that is precisely why you need to out yourself first.

I strongly disagree with that poster and I despair of the meek, people-pleasing, peace-keeping doormat ways of so many MN posters. It results in being walked all over and with situations like this.

Your children and DH are actually the most important people in this equation. Your DD’s and your newborn’s well-being is paramount and you must do what’s right for them.

Your silly selfish self-centred sister is not the person who needs to be appeased at all.

I would definitely choose not to bring DC but as my sister says she’ll never get over it then I feel I must

Manipulative bullshit. I'd have shut this one down straight away. She's not a princess and her demands don't trump the needs of a small, SEN child.

OP, this response to you is absolute balls. Blood is not thicker than water. If your sister loved your child more than herself she wouldn't want them at the wedding as she'd want what is best for them, as your child's mother feel brave enough to do that for them.

"Sorry you feel that way, but your wants don't come before my child's needs".

Let her have her hissy fit. She sounds like hard work. Would it be so terrible if you let the relationship cool?

DS is being selfish. Why should you have to put DD (and the rest of you) through a day of hell for her just to please DS. It might be her wedding but DD is YOUR child and you should do whats best for her

You shouldn’t have told you DH/Sister to discuss the matter. Personally I would have asked my DH to respect that this is an important family event and that DS should attend (with the adjustments you suggested).
To me it sounds like your DH didn’t wanted to go himself (or didn’t wanted to go and look after his DS in a harder setting than usual).

To be frank it sounds like" My relationship with my sister will never be the same again" would be a good thing.

If Op's sister was really wanting to have her nephew/niece there then a more convenient venue might have been considered!

I agree I had the same response to that post.

I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family

This sentence stood out for me in your OP. Your child is not there to 'ensure peace'. If you wanted your child to go because you thought they'd enjoy it, or it would be a great experience for them even if it would be difficult then I could understand. But your reason for bringing them doesn't actually mention them/their needs or feelings at all....

Your sister needs to get over herself!!
either that or give her an almighty slap!

leave the child at home. (Obvs looked after!) Show her some photos after and make a fuss with a mini bouquet and a veil if she’d like it.

your sister should be focused on her husband and her guests. She probably wants one photograph. If she is focused on the child all day she won’t be doing anything else and will probably only notice her when she creates a disturbance. Not because she’s a naughty child, but because weddings are boring for children! - even those without additional needs !!

I’m sorry to be so harsh but it’s time to find your backbone. Your poor DH stuck in the middle of bridezilla and his wife/ a doormat.

She won’t have a second to herself all day. And even less time to spend with an adored niece. She is lucky you are even contemplating going with a newborn.

”Sorry Sis, we’ve discussed it and it doesn’t work for us or child X. We have to put his/her needs first and it will be a long and overwhelming day for them. As you know we have little childcare support we can draw on (which in my opinion says something about the level of special needs(not for inclusion)). As a consequence DH will stay at home with X and I will attend with baby Y unless we are unwelcome by ourselves? “

It never ceases to amaze me how precious brides can be about "their day". If it will be difficult for you and your DC then stand your ground. She is an adult woman and I'm sure she will be the centre of attention and have a lovely day regardless of whether you bring DC or not, and if she 'adores' your child as she says then surely she would want what is best for them and not want to cause them any undue stress? She needs to grow up and stop being such a diva.

If there was ever a situation when you really want a child to kick off and cause a loud commotion right in the middle of the bride and groom taking their vows, then this is it.

Your sister is being about as unreasonable as it is possible to get.

No.

If both parents of a disabled child don't want to go then why should they be forced into it?

OP your sister is being a brat.

Even if blood were thicker than water (manipulative misuse of a phrase tbh) your child is your blood. They're your priority.

If your sister "adores" your child, why does she want to put them through something that will be stressful and overwhelming for them? She's being a dick.

What a palava. What's the alternative if your DS doesn't go? Will your DH have to stay at home with him for the weekend?
What's your opinion? It's not just up to your husband. This is your child too and your relationship with your family.
It seems to me that you are feel that you can accommodate your DSs SEN by giving him downtime at the hotel. The fact that you thought that your sister could talk your DH round by explaining what the venues like, shows that you were on board but believe your DH is being rather inflexible.
I have to say that I think your DH is coming across as controlling and stubborn here. You seem to be like the only reasonable one, up until when you said that you might not all go either.

I think that, if you believe that your DS can be accommodated, then you should take him and expect your DH to be supportive of your decision. I wouldn't allow him to drive a wedge. It's your sister's wedding. This should be a time of happiness.

I’d be taking the children and leaving the husband at home!

She should be careful or you might reach the place where you find that a relief. People who sulk and have tantrums when they don't get their own way grow very quickly tiresome. I don't have the patience to put up with my husband's sister for similar reasons, and I get the sense that the reason she's continued this behaviour into adulthood is because she's been enabled all her life. If his family imagined I'd join them in pandering to that then they had another think coming, and they've long since been disavailed of any expectation of the kind.

Your sister is responsible for her own behaviour, OP. You're not. You should act in accordance with your lights, and any childish response to that is a consequence of her decisions, not yours. In the wise words of my old Gran, 'she'll just have to get happy again, won't she?'

The only right response in this situation is to act in the best interests of the child.

So the OP, who has just had a baby, takes the newborn and a child with SEN to the venue - 'a long drive away' - on her own, leaving her without any support at a wedding and at the hotel where the main action is her histrionic sister?

Yeah, great idea.