To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

She must have other family who'll support her like her Mum & Dad and any other Aunites.

The DH sounds like he's creating more drama than the child or the bride.

The sequel would definitely be you all go but then DC struggle and you will all be the bad guys for ruining her day because the kids went!

Why would any adoring relative insist that a child goes somewhere that the parents doesn't think will benefit the child?

I don't understand.

My siblings would leave the decision to me & DH.
Not hold it over our heads.

Our relationship certainly wouldn't be conditional on my forcing child & husband to comply.

I am in Team DH.

Your sister sounds like a spoilt brat and you come across as constantly walking on eggshells around her and always trying to accommodate her needs.

Don't take you child. If DSis gets huffy and never gets over it - highly dramatic language - then you might find your life is easier if you no longer have to pander to her whims.

i think there’s ways to accommodate the situation for DC and we can limit the time DC is present and can go back to the hotel room frequently.
The issue is now that I don’t think sister actually wants me anywhere near her wedding so all of this planning is for nothing!
DH and I had come up with a reasonable plan but now he’s seen this behaviour from her come up again, I don’t think any of us will be going.

What a shame, OP, all this drama when you've got your newborn to enjoy precious first days with, and your older child and DH too.

How about emailing your sister and copying in your mum, to say 'we're so happy for you and would love to attend your wedding as a family but as you know, older DC has special needs and we don't want anything to spoil your special day. So we've come up with these arrangements where DC will attend for a short while, and maybe, depending on how they cope, can be in some of the photos, but DH will be on hand to take DC back to the hotel if it all gets too much for DC. I'll attend with baby, and stay for as long as baby's needs allow.'

'How does that sound, DSis? Do you want us to attend on that basis, or would it be easier for you if we don't come, because obviously we must put the needs of our DC first, no getting around that, I'm afraid. When you have your own children, you'll see how, like it or not, their needs must come first. Thanks again for inviting us, we're so pleased for you and fiance.'

Should she stamp her feet and say no you can't come or no DC must be there all day, then you'll have evidence of her unreasonableness to trot out on future occasions.Then, whatever the outcome, after the wedding go low contact with her - she'll have her new life to be getting on with, and having made a stand in favour of putting your family's needs first, you can continue to assert yourself.

I know many are saying just ignore her, but it is a wedding and it is a special occasion, so it's worth offering a gentle compromise. Who knows, she might accept what you say and DC attends for a while and enjoys it. If not, it's her loss.

The OP's already said that they all enable the histrionic sister.

Nuke the wedding from orbit, it is the only way to be sure.

Hey hey hey. This wedding has a substantial dollar value attached to it. Let's not be too hasty.

Oh go on then.

She’s not the first person who would have done this and I’m sure she won’t be the last 🤦🏻‍♀️
can’t believe some people this day and age!
How do people manage without family/single parents?

Thank you all for the responses, I’ve had time to read them all. I’m still processing how aggressive sister was towards me.
I do think DH has been slightly rigid in his thinking and not willing to compromise in the interests of me not going through this stress at the time when I’ve just had a baby.
We’ve talked and he understands this. He felt that he would be the bad person in this and that anger would be directed to him, even though I’ve told him that’s not how my sister works. I could see this coming but I wasn’t prepared with how angry sister would get.
We may compromise on the wedding by putting adjustments in place as some posters have suggested and it will absolutely not be at DC’s expense. Their needs will come first.
I won’t put up with anymore aggression from sister though, i will be taking a stand one way or the other and she can decide if she still wants us all at her wedding after I have told her that I will not put up with her speaking to me like that, particularly when I’ve just had a baby.
I think it’s put things in perspective and I will need to seek help to unpack everything that gone on within my family.

I’d say your sister is being a little precious but also your husband clearly doesn’t like her neither do you by the sounds. Having 3 people in our house with disabilities and one extremely so then sometimes you so have to work around things otherwise you’d never go anywhere. If you don’t want your child or husband to go fine but at the same time it’s one day. We have had this and the thought of it and the build up is much harder than actually dealing with it yourself in our case. Have a back up plan, have somewhere they can both go etc but don’t ruin a close family relationship over one day. We had to menouver lots of obstacles but it is do able as daunting as it sounds/ good luck and hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise

Can you ask dh's parents along to help with kids if you get them a hotel room?
Saying that, your dc Sen needs are more important that your sisters dream wedding - she's not exactly going to be helping you with the child care that day

Blood isn't thicker than water and hardly anything trumps a nuclear family. And DH doesn't have to "get over" looking after a child unsettled by his surroundings all day for the sake of someone who will be spending time with plenty of people.

This wedding is about her day - not what you and DH choose to do. Just make a decision and stick to it.

Really glad you are putting healthier boundaries in place but sorry you are dealing with this now. Good luck OP, the heartache will be worth it for you and your self worth and your kids seeing you as a strong woman!

Your sister is being ridiculous. Unless your ds wants to go then it makes sense for him to not go if it might cause stress to everyone. Unless of course your husband is just trying to get out of a family event where he will be expected to do some parenting.

In what way is dc expected to participate? Can he show up for pictures then withdraw if needs be? Hard to judge without knowing more of additional needs,

Well done OP, glad you're making a stand if dsis cannot compromise for your child's sake.

Hi your post resonated with me as I am getting married this year and have twin sisters who have learning disabilities. I want nothing more than for them to join me, but I gave my mum the choice. She has decided to not bring them saying that I am important too and she wants to focus on me and relax and enjoy the day. I completely respect this decision and we have said we would have a separate celebration with them which will be special afterwards. This felt like a good compromise and we will be able to give them quality time as a family without anyone feeling stressed. I hope this helps.

Other Grandparents are away unfortunately

OP - this morning at 02.50

Your sister is definitely being very unreasonable. I wonder though, if it was your DH’s family member getting married, would he be equally concerned about your child attending? I suspect not.

Aw this is a hard situation. I understand your sister wanting her fam there. But logistically sounds a nightmare. I went to a wedding for a good friend of mine an 8 hour drive away with my 2 month old and dibbed out at the night do and just managed till then. My best friend did similar at mine. I would go...cope as far as you can and go early doors...you made tremendous effort. Can't ask more than that. I get it will be extremely hard, but sis only gets married once and the mare will be over in a relatively short time ❤️

If you think your child would struggle, perhaps getting away for a while to a park , play area etc. Will make him feel bit refreshed and perhaps tire him out. I'm not sure what special needs he is but you need to put him first otherwise it will ruin the day for you all. Hope that helps

Tell your sister to grow up. 'Never get over it'? Really? Hyperbole.

It's an invitation, not a command. That also applies to family. And as you are the child's parents, you and your DH get to make the final decision, not your sister.

I feel for you OP

its really rubbish this is coming to a head at a time when you should be able to have a peaceful and calm time with your newborn.

BUT…
in my experience life events like weddings and babies can often be seen as new beginnings / resetting boundaries and airing things can ultimately be beneficial.

I think your DH has prob had enough of the poor treatment of you and your DSis ruling the roost.

my advice is get aligned with him, make plans / agree your position in advance. Try and anticipate situations and have preagreed stances and more generally agreed boundaries of what is okay and what is not.

my DH and I this with reasonable success with his mum.

like some others I’d be inclined to accommodate where I could but ultimately do what is best for/suits my child and my DH.

its a wedding not a dictatorship…