To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

I don’t think you sound harsh. I think you sound realistic.

He, on the other hand, probably thinks that you are being harsh. But are going to listen to what he says or are you going to listen to that inner voice that is reminding you that you don’t want to have to deal with this/him for the rest of your life?

Now you see him clearly your relationship can't be the same, but he is now as he's always been @MoaningMartyr He was never a good DH and DF but he got away with it, so he sees no reason why you've changed towards him, he thinks you're mean because now you won't forget and let him have his own way.
Now you can only choose to stay or go but he won't see it's his fault, if you're waiting for him to change you're going to have a long, long wait

@MoaningMartyr this is truly one of the most shocking things I have read on here. He callously watched his baby have a seizure and did NOTHING to help? And he calls YOU hard/mean?
he is manipulative and emotionally abusive.
Please stay strong and get rid of this awful awful man, for your kids and for you. You all deserve so much better 💐

Well I have noticed that sometimes women put up with a lot of abuse themselves, but when they see any harm to their children, they suddenly see the wrongness of it.

He is very very wrong. That day with the ambulance is unforgettable.

You come from a home where this is all you knew, so this feels normal to you but it’s absolutely not. He is a selfish, manipulator and you are seeing all his tricks now.

It must be so so so hard for you, but all I will say regarding your decision to leave is:

Not deciding, is deciding.

This fact really helped me with a decision years ago. Not doing anything, was actually making a decision (the wrong one, out of fear)

I wish you all the very best x x

I have been told by two DA charities to report my stbxh to the police but I'm in the same mind as you. How, just how, do you report that he's stood over you shouting for 5 minutes because you didn't want a lemsip. How do you report that he "forgets" to buy dinner to eat that night so you go to bed hungry. How do you report delays to getting your medication because he "sleeps in" after an extra tiring night shift for a week and chemist is shut. Yet it never happens otherwise, only then.

Honestly, I haven't reported him, or made a journal. I have started the divorce online, surprisingly with his agreement (and him paying it), but my god the EA doesn't stop even now. We can't progress with it because he "forgets" to do paperwork, or "oversleeps", or "hasn't time". We are no further forward 28 long weeks later. Yep, thats correct, that's 7 months of nothingness and hell.

@MoaningMartyr - start the divorce process, it takes fucking ages to get to the end. Whilst you are in the enforced cooling off period get your financial stuff sorted, and make a plan for the children. Agree to 50/50 split and tell him he needs to do his 50 the following week - it includes feeding them, their laundry, their school drop offs/pick ups, homework, bedtimes, everything. You do nothing, highly recommend you go out in evenings for a pub dinner. You can bet your life that by the time court comes round he won't be doing 50 per cent at all. He won't want the responsibility or hard work. Expect it to be hell, but you know that if you stayed it would also be hell.

However please do mention it to your GP, they can refer you to different support services including counselling. It also means it's on a record somewhere and that is vital. Have you contacted Womens Aid yet? They can offer support via email if you can't chat. Sometimes it's just hearing another person saying "You are not going mad, it's him"

Thank you @AutumnFroglets are you guys still living together for all this time as he stalls? Did you instigate it? My H suggested counselling last night and I'm going to say if he wants counselling for us he needs to find the counsellor and book it, this will never happen.

I'm sorry for the ways your exH is treating you. Its despicable. If you could have heard me last night you would think he was the victim, pretending to cry, saying how anxious he is, how he can't cope, how mean I am and I was calm and articulate (if I do say so myself) but it's after years of underhanded manipulation.

The solicitor said to me on one of the forms (I'm not sure which form as I need to get my head round the admin of it all)....she said there is a question that asks blunty "is there domestic abuse in the house" - have you seen that question on anything you've seen??

I have told the GP about his erratic behaviour before when I was genuinely worried for our safety. I have also told a teacher at school about a couple of things

Never never never get counselling with someone who's abusing you. All it teaches them is what upsets you, why it upsets you and how to use it better and how to better fake it.

DO NOT GET JOINT COUNSELLING!!! You get your own, he gets his. Otherwise he learns what triggers you so he can do it more. It's what abusive men have always done.

I cannot leave until the house is sold. We cannot sell until I know what percentage of equity I can have to buy elsewhere. He refuses to discuss as his pension forecast isn't ready (so we don't know how much is in the assets pot) but he only applied for it last week instead of seven months ago. I am disabled and unable to work so I can't rent, this is my only way. The divorce is very easy online so you can do that, but you will need a solicitor for children and finances as that is messy. Try and get as much agreed between you first. That is where the cunning plan of him doing a proper 50/50 of children while you are under the same roof comes into play, he won't fight what you really want at the end of the process.

The solicitor said to me on one of the forms (I'm not sure which form as I need to get my head round the admin of it all)....she said there is a question that asks blunty "is there domestic abuse in the house" - have you seen that question on anything you've seen??
Yes I have seen it. I haven't ticked it as my children are grown up, its just me and him, if they were younger I definitely would have. It's to stop mediation as abusers use mediation to abuse their partner again and again and again, same as with joint counselling. Tick it.

I have told the GP about his erratic behaviour before when I was genuinely worried for our safety. I have also told a teacher at school about a couple of things.
Good. But use them again for more supportive counselling. Talk to school so they can keep an eye on the children and their emotions. The more you say no to him, the worse it will get. Hang onto your hard hat, find your big girl knickers, and keep one eye on the horizon. The sooner it starts, the sooner it ends.

Sorry, big post - you are in England? There is a new no fault divorce system - you can apply for it, he cannot stop it, no reasons need to be given. It just takes ages to process like anything to do with government. Go to the government website, state name, address etc, pay a fixed fee, around £600 and that starts it.

I've just skimmed your posts - please OP, just do it. What are you waiting for?

One day he will be like he is with you with the kids - especially the older one.

And in the meantime, your kids are learning that women have to put up with male abuse, just like you learned from your own mum.

Your posts are heartbreaking.

I found myself in a similar situation with my ex husband. Realising that he did not really love or care for me and our small DC like he should was one of the most painful moments of my life.

He was not a man i or my children could build a life with. Niether is yours. I am so sorry.

Yes I'm in England @AutumnFroglets

OK. Hearing you all on the joint counselling. He won't pursue it anyway. But if he does I'll tell him to get his own therapy. He won't do any of it.

I went to the GP last year as wasn't sleeping and they prescribed me anti anxiety medication which I didn't take and I actually went back to give it back and to ensure it wasn't on my records. I'm so scared of talking to professionals or seeming in any way that I'm not coping.

I've applied for a couple jobs recently that are more money and both rejected me this morning. Its idiotic to get a higher paid job at this stage anyway right?

He will cycle through a range of tactics repeatedly, be braced. It's nothing but more manipulation.

I'd echo to start the process, it's long and there's nothing to be gained by hanging around, and things are likely to degenerate the longer you leave it. Also another voice saying that joint counselling is not appropriate here.

If you're financially able to divorce now, do it.

It is not about not coping being on your records, it's about the why. I do hear you though as I refused medication too. I don't want to be doped just so I can stay. I want to be alive, to feel, to be free.

I got my strength from reading certain threads here, the last one being Bluebeanbags. She got her strength from reading another woman's thread. And so it goes on. Maybe something from her thread will inspire/help you regarding the children

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave?page=1

He can't bear you being articulate & clear because he's not getting a reaction out of you - it makes the breakdown very real & that's kinda tough shit for him. Men like that much prefer women to be hysterical, not so they can comfort you but so they can shout louder & feel more in control.

You're doing yourself proud sticking this out & keeping your head together! Remind yourself that this WILL be over at some point and you will be looking back it, not living in it. You've got this!

I truly believe there's no going back for you, I think you have had a huge realisation and this internet stranger is so proud of you!! Your approach of staying calm and articulate is so en pointe, he can't handle it!! Perhaps because he doesn't have the ability to hurt OR manipulate you anymore?! I am emotionally invested in your story and I am really looking forward to your updates 💜

Yeah - he hates the calmness. Whenever there is a woman who is angry on the TV he always says "fuck me you women are crazy" or "you women need to get a hold of yourselves".

(I have now started saying it every time there is a man who literally murders or attackes someone else on the news...which is almost every day....women being called crazy when so many men are killing and abusing women because their little egos have taken a bruising somewhere along the way) Give me a frigging break.

Anyway - getting ranty over here - he likes the story in his head that all women are crazy bitches and when I'm calm, and talk clearly, and ask for things like 'evidence' or 'examples' when he says what a horrible unsupportive bitch ive become...he says - "see you have no emotions, you just want to win".

He has decided that our wage disparity is the problem. He said last night 'ah, i tihnk i see what is going on, you earn more and now you think you can act like a boss here'.

He once told me his ex left him because she has a vaccine before going abroad and it turned her crazy. This man will believe ANYTHING than take accountability for his own actions (he also told me during that relationship he'd get so drunk he'd puke on the sofa....but sure....it was some vaccination that made her leave)

Frigging idiot. I'm so mad at myself. My gut has been telling me all this stuff for so long. Why do i never back myself and just go along with things to keep the peace???

(sorry for rant. i know you're all telling me to just crack on with it. just getting it off my chest)

thank you @AutumnFroglets i have been reading that thread now all afternoon. so helpful. think understanding it will be a long road of feeling exhiliatred and then other days feeling awful

even this afternoon i've gone through about 100 emotions. feeling like yes, great, let's do it, and then other times imagining my kids leaving to go to his house all upset and me being alone and broke and broken - and thinking fuck now, just leave it alone. but i know, i just have to think about the future and what the looks liek and my resolve comes back

i'm not gonna wait to pay off the CC debt. i'm just going to tell him. by the time we are negotiating i'll hvae paid off the debt anyway but the look of how long theese things drag out.

- he hates the calmness. Whenever there is a woman who is angry on the TV he always says "fuck me you women are crazy" or "you women need to get a hold of yourselves".

(I have now started saying it every time there is a man who literally murders or attackes someone else on the news...which is almost every day....women being called crazy when so many men are killing and abusing women because their little egos have taken a bruising somewhere along the way) Give me a frigging break.

Oh what a delicate fucking manbaby - I've been told I'm scary & intimidating by men quite a few times, as in 'when I first met you', it was a long time (& some worrying) before I realised it's cos I look them in the eye & hold my own (and quite tall, so utterly terrifying 🙄), scares the shit out of a certain type.

It's quite impressive how your H manages to sound worse & worse with each post lol. That takes some serious skill to be increasingly repellent when the starting point was unfathomably low!

I agree, just start the divorce.
If he's like mine, he won't co-operate - I had no option but to take him to court, and it took a year from start to finish.
Stay calm and firm, do not reply unguardedly. If he suggests anything, even if it seems like a good idea, say you will think about it, or that you'll consult your solicitor.
Take your time.

I found it strange at first that, even though I was divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour (as you had to in those days) he continued to display what anyone would think was unreasonable behaviour, in fact becoming even more unreasonable by not co-operating. Did he have no pride?

In fact in his case, it's a meaningless question. The rational human being I though I had married did not exist.

ha ha @Caerulea yeah, i'm aware of that - just posting again and again about all the awful things he has said and done - cathartic but perhaps not the most helpful thing for me to do....think i decided i was wanted to split about 7 pages ago so not sure why i feel the need to keep sharing shitty things he has said....it's not you lot i'm trying to persuade, you all sound very much persuaded. :)

seriously though. thanks everyone. I hope one day i will come back on this thread with a divorce filed.

Its good to keep posting. Every time you do it shines a light on his behaviour and when you see other peoples responses to it (usually in horror and disgust) it helps you to realise that it isnt you that is the problem.

Gaslighting is so insidious, it totally fucks with your mind to the point where you wonder if it really is you that is the problem. Posting here, you can see that you really are not!

If you stop posting it would be so easy to slip back into "bully/appeaser" mode, because that would be (short term) easier. I know because thats what I did. I chose the easy way for too long, except really it wasnt easier it just drew out the pain for longer.

You've got this. And we've got you :)

I've been following since you first posted and it may not feel like it but I can see your confidence growing. You're much less tolerant and much more certain of yourself. That's what is scaring him. Yes, you're wobbly and uncertain but look at how far you've already come in such a short time. Keep posting when you need to.

@MoaningMartyr

I've applied for a couple jobs recently that are more money and both rejected me this morning. Its idiotic to get a higher paid job at this stage anyway right?

Not idiotic but perhaps starting a new job and all that entails may be adding more stress than you need at this stage. Better to do so when you've received your decree absolute and the dust is more settled. Also did you get feedback on why the jobs you went for were not offered to you? Knowing that may be helpful when you're divorced and ready to reapply and there may be things you can work on before then. 🌹

Absolutely agree with this. 🌹

I could never never forgive this total selfishness. would literally hate him for being so concerned for himself he didn't help to get treatment for his very ill child.

If you can forgive him you'd be a much better person than me.