To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

He is not a parent and doesn't deserve to be your husband.

Keep updating OP, so when you feel everything is OK its a good reminder that he's a dick and you aren't the problem.

With regards to the kids the divorce- I'm sure he will bored of being super dad after a few months and realise how hard it is to parent alone.

Staying because of the children is a terrible thing, kids felt the atmosphere and I hated my parents arguing all the time, it made me ill from stress as a teen.

Yes!! You're so right
She's doing so well

You CAN do it OP

OP you are doing just fine, get your ducks in a row first.

It sounds like he knows in his gut, you are no longer plastering, appeasing etc. so he’s trying to get a rise out of you anything to show he still has control.

Your lack of anger just shows you are done/indifferent. It’s a good place to be in. Don’t worry about it, it will keep you away from his clutches.

Just read through all your posts.

As a child of divorcees and close to several whose parents didn't divorce, even though their father was much like your dh, a couple of things:

1. If you are divorced, they are only exposed to his behaviour some of the time, and they have your home as a safe space to go back to. If you are still together, they will never know when he will blow up, and their home will not be a safe space.
2. At some level, they will hold you responsible for his behaviour if you don't leave. The people I know whose parents stayed together have a deep feeling of betrayal that their mother didn't do enough to protect them from their father, even though the mother always claimed to stay 'for the children'

If you cannot leave for your own sake, do it for the sake of your children. They deserve better than this.

You must leave for the sake of the children.
It will be far, far more damaging to them if you stay.

You are doing so well, OP, keep posting, it helps to keep processing all of this stuff. This man really hates women, doesnt he? It is deeply damaging to you and your children to be around someone who holds these kind of attitudes. I love being called difficult. I have also been 'too independent' and 'intimidating'. I always understand it means I am not doing what the man who has said it to me wants (it is always men who say that stuff). I think I am going to get a tee shirt that says 'not attitude, standards'.

Joking aside though, please make sure you have an emergency bag and plan (WA can help you with this). Given his horrible attitude to women and expectations of compliance, he may turn violent, even if he has not before.

You’re doing amazingly. Keep going and one day soon you will be living a much more peaceful life away from this idiot.

Gaslighting is so insidious, it totally fucks with your mind to the point where you wonder if it really is you that is the problem. Posting here, you can see that you really are not!

This is so true, it's the most confusing experience of my life so far to be married to someone like this, and still now, years on, things will randomly come back to me and I'm astonished at how he managed to make me believe it was me who was being unreasonable. It's like trying to plait fog, insidious is really the perfect word.

Keep posting, keep going. You are not alone in this, don't blame yourself, you won't be the first to end up in a relationship like this and you won't be the last. It's what you do now you've realised what's going on that counts.

Your boys are going to end up like him if you stay, you know that right? You’re teaching them that’s how to be a man

leave, leave, leave, leave

I hope you are doing ok today op.

In answer to your question - do I wish I had done this sooner. The answer is yes.
I was worried about money, how the kids would cope without me for periods of time, and couldn't fathom being without them.
For our marriage I was holding onto the idea that things would change, improve and the rough patches would be in the past. I didn't want to give up. I wanted to keep trying.

From a practical point of view I also had different circumstances - both kids have additional needs. I have no family support around. We also had the pandemic which complicated things and made them worse

Maybe over time I have been training him and the kids- I've been gradually working more, doing things with friends. I trust he can look after them for a day or overnight without me. In some ways things have got better but I haven't been able to shake the feelings of resentment and anger, I don't love him and I don't like the person I became over time.

I also have regret about not leaving earlier because my kids are quite anxious, angry and have a negative outlook. I worry what I have taught them about relationships and what is acceptable. This is ultimately the reason to go. I will be happier, a better parent, and they will learn what is ok and what isn't.
At some point the shock and hurt will fade, and this will become part of the story of how things got better.

You can do this op. I'm not going to lie, it's bloody hard. As others have said, get all the balls rolling because everything takes ages.

The fog has lifted for you but he will try to bring it back. Speak to people on real life, people who are close to you. I expected judgement and disappointment from people, or for them to tell me I was making a fuss over nothing, being silly or giving up. I got the opposite response. It helps to bring things into focus and reassure you that you aren't crazy.

I have really benefited from NHS talking therapies. I self-referred online and started sessions within a few weeks. Talking to someone outside of the situation was so helpful.
Link here
https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

Seconding those recommending you to prepare an emergency go bag (including things for the children of course). Seek advice from women's aid for this.

HE is teaching them that. Stop blaming the OP.

He is a crappy man and a crappy role model; she is planning to leave, the only thing that is holding her back is her fear for her children and the impact it will have on them, which is warring with her fear for them if she stays. Don't weaponise her love for them against her; her abusive husband will do that enough once she tells him they are done.

Thanks @herewegoroundthebastardbush I appreciate that. That's exactly how I feel.

He hasn't paid any money towards the mortgage and childcare for the last 2 months because he wants his account to look "healthier after christmas". I have tried to explain to him that means I have to find the money to cover his part (he usually pays 25% of the outgoings). I was going to bring it up again last night but he was so furious and moody and is back to pretending I'm not in the room. Also I just don't want to talk about money with him at this stage. I just wish he would go away. I don't want anything from him, just to leave us alone.

He hasn't paid any money towards the mortgage and childcare for the last 2 months because he wants his account to look "healthier after christmas"

So this means you know you can manage financially especially as he'll have to contribute towards the DC through child maintenance payments.

Get him gone Moaningmartyr - you can do this

Don't talk to him about anything other than arrangements for the children, it's just another opportunity for him to make you doubt your reality. Seal yourself in a bubble and do what you need to to get out of there.

He isn't even contributing financially anymore? Is horrible to you and a bad father. There is absolutely no purpose to him anymore. You can do this! There is such a bright light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you x

Well, he's letting you know you can make it on your own. Showing you your own independence.

He hasn't paid any money towards the mortgage and childcare for the last 2 months

If you start the divorce you can also start the cms claim. Depending on how much you earn you might be able to start claiming UC, even if only for the childcare elements. Fuck him.

in the last few posts you have described financial abuse and A LOT of verbal abuse.

you said earlier you have a happy home for the kids - you don't. You have a home where the kids feel uncomfortable and scared around their Dad when he's not in a playful mood and when they express this he says they hate him and slams doors.

you must feel so, so lonely.

everything he's doing is a strategy to get you back in line. Saying you've gone cold is a means to get you thinking about you rather than him.

did he even go to the doctor when he was 'so sick' that he couldn't help you and your kids. Were the paramedics worried about him - did they even feel he needed to be checked on?

He will not want the kids 50/50 - he will say he will again as a strategy to get you back in line but ultimately he won't - it may be that your MIL will do most of 'his' care.

yes this is really scary but he hates you and hates women he is justifying all this to himself. Living with him will make you mentally unwell trying to gaslight yourself that it's not as bad. Your kids deserve better and so do you.

big love and strength to you

@MoaningMartyr

He hasn't paid any money towards the mortgage and childcare for the last 2 months because he wants his account to look "healthier after christmas".

I'm hope you are doing less and less for him personally which doesn't affect you and the children? No reminding him his car insurance/tax/MOT is due (if it's his car only and not the family shared by you), no laundry, etc? 🌹

So you are the breadwinner abd you do most of the childcare and you do all the bills and mortgage and he never sticks up for you and has form for avoiding responsibility lumping it all on you and he does this in work too- avoids responsibility. And now you child was on deaths door in a medical emergency and he couldn’t even be arsed to speak to 999 operators or get up out of bed, instead making it all about him and how sick he is don’t you know?

Whyyyyyy are you still with this freeloading, lazy, self pitying, selfish waste of oxygen?

Whyyyyyy are you still with this freeloading, lazy, self pitying, selfish waste of oxygen?

@wellhello24 - you really need to be clearer in your posts. I'm not sure what you really think about him 🤣🤣😁😁

Hello. Me again

I've gone now a MN rabbit hole and keep reading posts about kids siding with the ex or blaming the mother for the split.

Does this happen often do people think? Is it overblown on MN? There are some heart breaking stories on here but I'm telling myself it's rare that DC turn against a parent if that parent is loving and reliable etc, even if the ex is telling them all kind of BS.

Any words of wisdom/reassurance?