To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

OP he doesn’t sound very worried I’d be terrified in your situation and he’s just sitting there on the sofa?! He’s kid had had a seizure and is being taken to hospital fgs

@Joni234 thank you. I feel exactly the same as you! Him becoming sullen is exactly the word for it. Its a cycle we are stuck in. He feels rejected by me but if I try to talk to him he becomes so defensive and angry.

So you would have divorced your H earlier? Even knowing your kids might be left in his care for days on end without you or them having a say? Really it boils down to that. I have no fear of being alone, no fear about money, and I even think I can tolerate the awfulness of divorce itself but waving my very young children off each week to a man I don't trust and who I find unpredictable makes me feel very upset and panicked.

How are your kids? Hope they’re alright now x

My heart goes out to you, OP. I was once in your situation. Remember, the children won't always be little. Time moves on and things change and the impossible becomes possible. One day at a time x

So I can be so happy all day and then I ask him to pick up his dirty clothes and he'll say "you've been miserable for weeks". Its so frustrating. Mainly because it's just inaccurate. Feels so confusing.

He said it because you were happy. That is the ONLY reason he said it. Once you see it and notice this pattern it all starts to make sense. You are not allowed to be happy. You are not allowed to make decisions that don't centre him. You are not allowed to give him "orders".
You. Are. Not. Allowed.

Read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that?. If you google it with free pdf you can get a download to read at your leisure. It is very eye opening, upsetting but ultimately empowering. You start seeing your DH as who he really is. As we/others see him. He is abusing you because he can. I'm sorry if that's too blunt

Excellent post

My dad used to call my mum a 'difficult woman'. It's the height if misogyny. Basically you aren't letting me do exactly what I want and you won't do exactly as I say.

They are now divorced. She stayed too long though, wasted all her good years with him.

Feels so confusing

He's doing it to let you know that the request you made of him was unacceptable, to punish you and to confuse you. It's no accident. He's putting you back in your box because you dared to step out of line. It's subtle but once you can see it for what it is, you can't unsee it, it will be woven through your days. Also absolutely reccoment Lundy Bancroft as above.

I left when I had small children, waited it out until they were in school before I made my move because that was the best plan for me financially, money was incredibly tight at that point and I had no family support nearby.

I'd personally say the sooner the better, and trying to hang on for the kids sake, and eventually cracking and leaving when they're older is worse in terms of outcome. If you know you need to do it, and it's a given at some point, get it done as soon as practically possible in terms of housing and income.

”Our kids are so happy. Our home is lovely. Everything is settled and he acts in such a way that makes it impossible to be happy”

Don’t forget, he’s the one who has spoilt it all, not you, and he’s the one who could fix it. He won’t, and you don’t have the power to, because you can’t change him. It’s a very sad situation but it isn’t your fault.

God I'm scared of divorcing this dickhead.

He came home all normal and happy. I said to him in a quiet moment away from kids that I didn't think calling me a "difficult woman" was fair and it felt like a way to shut me up.

He told me he stands by it and I used to be "softer" and "cooler" and my comment about him playing fewer video games was reflective of me being "a harder meaner woman to live with". He also said "you should focus on the good stuff. I could be out with lads coming back in the morning smelling of woman's perfume"

Now here comes the petty bit....he has text a load of guys he hasn't seen for months and has just informed me he will be going out on a night soon and "not coming back till the next morning"

He doesn't even enjoy drinking that much these days. It's a level of petty/punishment mentality that is so gross and doesn't bode well for divorce!

I guess just another method of punishing me right? (Not that's actually a punishment as I get an evening to myself)

Tell him you’ll be doing the same. If he’s so chill I sure he’ll have no issues with it.

I would absolutely not stick around to find out how this goes OP, he will take what's left of your sanity. It's not going to get any better.

The sooner you get the divorce under way, the sooner you don't have to deal with his bullshit on a daily basis. Strictly child related communication as and when you want to engage with him.

He sounds insufferable.

When he goes out. Change the locks and put all his stuff in bin bags!!

@Mitherations I certainly agree he won't get any better. He said tonight that the reason we clash is because of my hardness/meanness and said he see himself He sees himself as zero responsibility for any of it. I found it funny when people on this thread suggested he might feel regret for the original thing- refusing to help when our son - he never sees himself as in the wrong

My hesitancy is do with practical stuff...home/finances (I have a small amount of CC debt for example) rather than a belief we/he will get better. But maybe as you say there is no perfect time.

@RiderofRohan do you wish your parents divorced when you were a young kid? Even it meant splitting your time btw 2 homes?

I don't have a guilt or concern about him. But the guilt i feel about my kids is unbearable

God you are a saint OP. How can you stop yourself from screaming in his face that he is a total scum bag who was more concerned with his own (mild) illness than his child’s very serious illness? I never air dirty laundry on social media but this vile specimen could do with a few home truths and if he doesn’t value your opinion maybe it’s time he had some from people he knows. Ask them if ignoring your child being taken away in an ambulance is the action of a normal human being. Obv I wouldn’t actually do this, but I’d definitely be telling him exactly why he IS in the wrong.
I’m so angry for you. Find your anger and get on with leaving this stain on humanity.
In the meantime stop listening to his bullshit. His opinions of you are worth nothing.

The solicitor said to document all evidence of "emotional abuse". And even told me I should consider talking to GP or even making police report online! What am I going to say....he told me I was a difficult woman, he is terrible and selfish in high pressure situations, he is manipulative. These are not crimes! I'm trying to do I can to protect my DC but I don't want to make false accusations of course and also worry that I'd be accused of parental alienation.

@Isthisit22 I wish I felt angry. I feel nothing to him, I have no respect for him. I mainly feel anxious and very very stupid for ignoring red flags and thinking I can fix things.

Was it Marilyn monroe who said "strong women don't have 'attitudes', we have standards"?

He said tonight that the reason we clash is because of my hardness/meanness and said he see himself He sees himself as zero responsibility for any of it.

Interesting. So basically he should do what he wants, when he wants, and YOU'RE the problem if you have an issue with it. God forbid you express an opinion right?

This might help you with recognising and recording abusive behaviour. Record everything in a note on your phone with dates, even if you don’t want to report it.

God, this guy's bar is so low for how men should behave when basically his justification for doing anything is "well I could be out cheating so be grateful".

I hope you're planning a night out with the girls soon.

I definitely agree about recording the emotional abuse. The advice about the police report I also understand. It can seem like a waste of time now but some behaviours often escalate to actual crimes so it's good to have a pattern of behaviour recorded should heavens forbid anything more serious happen.

I had to submit and online report about my DHs ex. She was making malicious phone calls trying to get my DH sacked and made false reports about me to environmental health. Although these are not major we were worried that the behaviour would escalate and we could be accused of more serious things or reported to social services. It's not always about reporting a crime but recording a pattern of behaviour that could escalate to a crime.

Last night he tried to kiss and cuddle me and said we could stop all this "sillyness". I said no and said I'm sleeping in the spare room. He started becoming v erratic, refusing to look at me, saying I'm mean and a bully and that I make my points like I'm in a debating society. I said you say that to shut me up and because you don't know what to say back, you've called me difficult and mean with no actual evidence and then you expect me to kiss and cuddle you in bed, it's not happening.

He was pretending to cry this morning

I know I sound harsh but I can see through his BS. I'm keeping your words about not disappointing myself in my mind @Mitherations