To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

@Mitherations these men work in manipulative mysterious ways eh? They do the strangest things!

H has always refused to be on the reception/nursery WhatsApp groups and laughed in my face when I suggested he one day take them to a kids party or playdate. Never done it. And today DS was due to go to soft play party. I said to him something slightly negative about spending my Sunday in a soft play...and he jumped up and said "I'd love to take DS and meet his friends" and made huge fuss of how happy he is to go and then said "I love DS so much I'll take him wherever he wants to go"

Totally out of character. I'm now sat at home my gut telling me he's being manipulative and my brain telling me to feel grateful he's doing something for DS. He didn't say goodbye. Just a big massive grin at me which didn't feel particularly nice. I don't know whether I'm coming or going

I've heard good things about that book @Mitherations I will read. I've got a couple of secret divorce books hidden in my underwear drawer. I almost want him to find them weirdly

I'm now sat at home my gut telling me he's being manipulative and my brain telling me to feel grateful he's doing something for DS. He didn't say goodbye. Just a big massive grin at me which didn't feel particularly nice. I don't know whether I'm coming or going

Your gut knows. If it feels off to you, it's off. That's all there is. Nobody else needs to agree, least of all him. These scenarios will keep repeating, he can feel that something has changed and he doesn't have your compliance. He will cycle through different tactics, he will be back to sulking soon. Watch.

Untamed is pretty good, I know a lot of women who have found it excellent. It's on audible too.

my brain telling me to feel grateful he's doing something for DS

It's a pretty big sign that something is far wrong with him if you're grateful when he does some basic parenting. Do you think he ever once felt grateful for every other time when you did it? Don't be grateful for the meagre scraps he's throwing because he's sensing his grip on you has slipped.

Your gut is correct. Hes just trying to unbalance you.

Careful, be very careful

He's getting an inkling of what's coming so he now needs to be the doting dad.

Do you have friends that will support you?

Yes, it's manipulation.

You have seen right through it. Your gut knows it, and your head knows that, logically, this is manipulative behaviour.

That flicker of doubt is that underlying feeling of "but surely he's not really like that" Yes, he is. It's a tough realisation to face. You're doing well.

My life would have been far easier and happier if I'd listened to my gut. Unfortunately my desire to be wanted and needed has trumped almost anything else at times. Idiot!

He is going to try and have sex with me tonight. He's gone to the gym and has come back and is grabbing my bum. I know him and he's gonna try and put the last few weeks behind us by sleeping together. I am dreading me saying no and then him being fed up and then trying again 30 mins later.

It always amazes me how these men behave so despicably and still assume we would want to go near them with a bargepole. Delusional. Let him be fed up OP. His lack of awareness and acknowledgement of his behaviour towards his children is staggering...and still going on about himself trying to generate sympathy from his mother 🤢

Please please don't use sex as a bargaining tool to prevent his moods. That's got to stop.its just more manipulation.

You're going to have to get comfortable with his displeasure, and if it comes to disappointing yourself or him, choose to disappoint him. Back yourself.

It feels more scary before you do it than it is when you actually say "No, I don't want to."[*]

Yes, it will feel uncomfortable. But so does going to the dentist.

Unlike going to the dentist, it will get easier each time you say no.

*advice may not always apply in case of a physically dangerous man
Keep safe.

This

@Mitherations "You're going to have to get comfortable with his displeasure, and if it comes to disappointing yourself or him, choose to disappoint him. Back yourself"

This is applicable to so many scenarios with him. Putting it so clearly. God I have chosen to disappoint myself over men's discomfort so many time it makes me want to cry.

Thank you. I'm getting there.

I didn't have sex with the idiot. But now he's back into "I love my wife and life" mode this is going to be a new daily issue. Until he gives up and hates me again but I just got to let that happen.

Saying no is just something you may have to repeat. Like emptying the rubbish bin - a repetitious chore, unpleasant, yes, but no more than that, and only takes a couple of moments. You are in a better place now, as far as I can tell. The scales are falling from your eyes.

Blimey. I don't think I could get over this quickly. I've never felt that ill. He sounds so weak and pathetic. I have had diabetic hypo's where I've been unconscious, but that's totally different. And a few operations where I've had a GA and come back round. But ill at home, so much so you can't phone 999? I find that hard to grasp, I'm sure some MN'ers may have, but I can't believe it if your Dh.

You really have no option but to leave him for many reasons but your two main ones is to break the cycle for your boys, and the other is that men like this are the ones that Macmillan nurses warn about. The ones who leave their wives at the first sign of illness or caring duties, or stay and get abusive and leave you lying in your own mess for hours or days on end.

The same man, if you end up being a carer for him in old age, is highly likely to be hugely abusive to you and non compliant with his care needs. And you'll be even more trapped.

So the time to go is this year.

Imo beware he is making effort to gain favour with dc. He knows you want to ltb.

@Turfwars god that's a scary thought...being reliant on him in old age or sickness. I read your message and thought "nah, he'd look after me if I was seriously ill" and then I reminded myself of all the evidence that says the exact opposite!

I had another conversation with another solicitor today. In same firm but the other one recommended her as she has lots of experience in cases like mine.. She told me she can write to him today and I couldn't do it. Fear took over. She said give it 2 weeks and we will talk again. She then emailed me afterwards with domestic abuse charity number.

It sounds like you have found a solicitor who understands. Take your time.

Good luck, OP. I can only imagine how you're feeling right now; scary and lonely, I bet. But you are being incredibly strong and putting yourself and your children first by slowly but surely getting your ducks in a row. Keep going, even if the path isn't clear yet the destination is a secure and happy life for you and your boys 💙💙 which you thoroughly deserve 💐

I've been doubting myself these last few days. Solicitors scared me quite a bit. The kids seem v happy with him. I made a joke about maybe he could play less video games as his new year resolution...and he just said "you're turning into a very difficult woman as you're getting older. Very difficult indeed and I don't like it very much".

Every time doubt creeps he is rather skilled at being such a prick to kick that doubt into the long grass. I've gone to bed and he shouted up the stairs "that's it. Act all butt hurt about it. But you're the problem".

Butt hurt!! What a phrase. .

Thank you @MumOfTwoLittleOnes24 for your lovely post. I find this thread so helpful to come back to.

you're turning into a very difficult woman as you're getting older. Very difficult indeed and I don't like it very much".
😱😱😱

He's not far off the sacred manly words of calling you nagging and hysterical. Your best defence is to start laughing at his childish attempts to stop you having "thoughts" and start acting like the good little woman you should be. To be honest OP, wear that sentence as a badge of pride. Go, you!!

The kids seem v happy with him.
Kids will always be happy when a parent shows them any attention, good, bad or meh. Dont read anything more into that.

Solicitors scared me quite a bit.
What in particular? Maybe someone who has been through it can help.

Sorry to hear what you are going through op.

Consider me a voice from the future. I am you in 10 years' time and I am divorcing my husband.

Reading your post was difficult because I have had so many similar experiences in the early years of parenting. Some of this I had forgotten and pushed down.

I felt so alone knowing he wouldn't be there in dire situations like this. He was there for the fluffy stuff, but not moments when you need to step up.

I resolved to talk to him about it, and had many repeated conversations on a loop for years where I would explain the impact these things had on me and our marriage. Sometimes the conversation seemed to go well, but was instantly forgotten.Then it would happen again the next time something difficult arose.

Like you I had so much difficulty trying to fathom his expectations of cheerful friendliness, closeness and sex after these things had happened. I just couldn't do it so I didn't. but that made him sullen and more disconnected.

Also like you, if I contemplated splitting I couldn't figure out how he would cope with the kids alone and how they would cope without me. I just wanted to keep trying to fix things.

Over the years some things improved, he is involved in day to day things more and I trust him to care for the kids alone, in a limited kind of way. But as an earlier poster said- I couldn't forget. I've never felt secure or supported again. Incidents like this change the paper your marriage is written on. The ground underneath you is removed and you feel so utterly alone.

I wish I had taken action sooner instead of battling on for so many years, knowing these experiences had destroyed the love I had for my him. Even when hen things were superficially better it was just never the same again.
Most of all I wish my children hadn't experienced these years of watching me beig. resentful, sad, disappointed and angry. And thinking that is what marriage is.

If this can't be properly acknowledged, changed and worked through with your dh then you know what you need to do. Gather your support network around you and keep it clear in your head why you are doing this.

Good luck op

@AutumnFroglets he has a habit of saying a v sweeping thing in response to a fairly casual comment. So I can be so happy all day and then I ask him to pick up his dirty clothes and he'll say "you've been miserable for weeks". Its so frustrating. Mainly because it's just inaccurate. Feels so confusing.

"Difficult woman". Really is same as being hysterical or over emotional or a nag as you say. I feel so sad. Our kids are so happy. Our home is lovely. Everything is settled and he acts in such a way that makes it impossible to be happy.