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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my kids naughty or normal

413 replies

Jingledog · 14/01/2024 12:47

I have a 2 year and 3.5 year old DS. Went shopping today and the 2 year was in pram wailing until he was given snacks and screeching at top of lungs.

3 year old wanted to do everything tap the card put food in trolley scan items etc when I did some too as he had a meltdown threw himself on the floor screaming and saying mummy I wanted to do it. Same in the next shop then running off after pigeons and not coming back.

Went for lunch ystrday with friend and who has kids same age they sat there nicely next to their parents at the table playing with some little toys and looking at books while mine ran loops around the restaurant cackling at the top of their lungs and wouldn't settle until I resorted to giving them screen time.

I have tried not giving in to them but the tantrums are extreme and long so sometimes give them what they want as my nerves can't take anymore.

Is it the way I've patented or is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jingledog · 14/01/2024 13:28

@LessonsLearnedInLife that's lovely thanks for your input. Do you have any wise words or tactics you'd like to share?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 13:29

Jingledog · 14/01/2024 13:27

@TheShellBeach yeah

Okay, so you end up scaring them by shouting.

Do they seem anxious as a result?

NuffSaidSam · 14/01/2024 13:29

It's not 'normal' behaviour for the three year old, no.

It could be your parenting or there could be additional needs at play. It's impossible to say. I'd look into a parenting course because that's useful for everyone whether it's your parenting or not. I'd also speak to nursery or wherever your three year old goes about his behaviour and whether they have any concerns.

A two year old crying in a buggy is perfectly normal. Wanting to run around a restaurant is also normal, it's not normal parenting to allow that though.

lavenderphase · 14/01/2024 13:29

Jingledog · 14/01/2024 13:24

@bakewellbride I hear what you are saying but going home would ruin it for myself too as I don't get out much to see friends. But agree with the premise maybe time to up my game

Not taking them for lunch etc doesn't solve anything as they don't learn but you do need to keep them under control or take them outside. You don't need to shout/scare them to manage behaviour and have good boundaries.

Please do go somewhere for kids/very kid friendly though. No-one having a nice lunch out wants little kids running around and hollering.

SeaToSki · 14/01/2024 13:30

I would try and do a reset week, so let a couple of friends know what you are doing and ask them to help

Set yourself a goal of not giving in to any tantrums at all. You can distract, ignore, walk away, praise /reward the non tantrumming one etc, but absolutely do not give in. You might need to hide the screens or not charge them so that you arent tempted to use them as it will be difficult

Then set about your day, but dont organize anything you cant just leave at the drop of a hat (which is why you need your friends to be aware and help out). Meet friends at the park, tell the dc on the way that you dont want any fussing and if one of them does fuss, you will be going straight home. Then follow through.

It will probably take the whole week, but you stand a good chance that you will manage the reset

And remember that you dont talk to a child who is tantrumming, that is attention and they see it as a reward for the behaviour, you tell them briefly that they have until you count to three to stop fussing or you will be taking them home and that is all you say.

good luck

bridgetreilly · 14/01/2024 13:31

Do they sit still at the table for dinner at home? If not, start there. Wait out the tantrums.

Original poster
Jingledog · 14/01/2024 13:31

@TheShellBeach no not at all. They are confident and secure. That's half the problem I think

OP posts:
IsGoodIsDon · 14/01/2024 13:32

Just use screen time in the restaurant it’s really not that harmful. We used it when mine were young and it doesn’t seemed to have harmed how my now 10 and 12 year old can sit and enjoy a meal out without any devices and they didn’t lose the ability to be able to chat and sit still without devices.

Changethenamey · 14/01/2024 13:32

op if it helps I have 3 children. The oldest 2 were always so well behaved in coffee shops etc. I could take them a small toy or book/colouring and they would have a lovely time. My youngest ds I have never ever been able to take him somewhere like that. There is no way he can sit for more than a few minutes a time. As soon as his drink has gone he would be off. So I adjusted my expectations of him and arranged to meet friends elsewhere (at our homes, in a park, soft play). It’s not ideal but some kids really can’t sit still and let’s face it a coffee shop is dull for kids!

Yonjovi · 14/01/2024 13:33

@Jingledog all kids are different and each day is different. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Some kids are more spirited than others. My son is 3 and he has more tantrums/stronger emotions than his friends. It's very hard to deescalate when he's in the moment. Whilst it's important to maintain firm boundaries you also have to do what works for you and your family. It's not always practical or easy to pick up a child and remove them from their environment when they're kicking and screaming. And I find my 3 year old doesn't not listen in that moment. It's only later on in the day when he's calmed down when we are able to talk about what he did, why he did it and why it's not OK. That said I don't let him do what he wants, I would probably say we can't run in the restaurant, it's not safe, we need to sit down now then bribe him with x, y, z to avoid the screaming.
Not sure if your friends kids are girls but they are different to boys too, I find.

TheresaCrowd · 14/01/2024 13:33

Your 2 year old is displaying normal behaviour for someone who has been encouraged to comfort eat out of boredom, and if you don't put a stop to it now, could lead to a poor relationship with food going forward.

Your 3 year old is displaying normal behaviour for a child not being made to hold the adult's hand.

LenaLamont · 14/01/2024 13:34

@Jingledog You have to take the hit now for the future. No, you can't stay in a cafe with your friend if your children are running riot and disturbing others. You have to take them home.

It ruins your time wiht your friend at that moment (although how much enjoyment are you getting with them messing about like that?) But firm boundaries around behaviour will mean you can spend more time with your friends in cafes in the future. Short term pain for long term gain.

There's no need to shout. They are small. Just pick them up bodily and leave, and strap them in their carseats, drive home.

Lisanearla · 14/01/2024 13:35

……but tantrums are normal for this age - it will pass as the child matures. Instead of battling against this part of childhood, just manage it. By that i mean - if you really want to go to a restaurant but you know your child will tantrum if expected to sit still - but will sit quietly with a cartoon- then just stick on a cartoon!

if a toddler’s tantrum is impacting others then remove the child until they calm down - distract them, then return when the tantrum blows over.

HalloumiGeller · 14/01/2024 13:35

I'll probably get shot for this but here goes....

No, I don't consider this behaviour to be "normal", but learnt. I have 2 children who are now 13 & 9 and they never behaved this way. Does your 2 year old normally get given snacks in his pushchair when he asks for them? If so, then he has learnt that if screams for long enough you will give in, which you did. As for the restaurant behaviour, this is totally unacceptable. You teach your kids how to behave in public, which means sitting nicely with some colouring and conversation, not running around annoying everyone else . If they choose to not do this, then you give them warning that you will leave if they don't stop the undesired behaviour.

FreeezePeach · 14/01/2024 13:37

Children managed shopping with adults long before snacks became a common babysitter.

It's not good to shove food at them every time they kick off, as that's what they'll end up kicking off for in the end.

bakewellbride · 14/01/2024 13:38

@Jingledog I get that it would ruin things for you at the time and it is so frustrating to put all your stuff in a bag and physically leave but in the long term it's actually far easier for you because they'll take you seriously.

My eldest is 5 and we've only ever had to do the whole 'max out warnings and go home early' thing twice in his whole life and both times were when he was 3 so ages ago. Yes those 2 times were a pain and yes never giving in to demands was tough but he's an absolute angel now so it does pay off to stick to boundaries. I took him and his nearly 2 year old sister to Starbucks this morning and it was honestly a breeze and pure pleasure, they both just sat there and ate and we had a lovely time. Mornings like these don't happen by luck though - I am firm but fair with my kids and they know that rules are rules.

One thing that might help you is a buggy board. I shamelessly used mine until ds was 4 so for shopping etc he just held on and I whizzed around as quick as possible!

Good luck op.

Gettingcoldergettingolder · 14/01/2024 13:38

I have 1 child like your friends, sit in a restaurant happily from any age, either talking to adults or maybe some colouring. I have a second child like yours! And a tantrum isn’t just a loud whinge for a couple of mins (which I what I thought one was with my eldest), it is a screaming thrashing screeching 30 min extravaganza which isn’t reasonable to inflict on anyone in any public space, so when we want to go to a restaurant etc I do what I can to avoid one, if that means a screen at the table then that’s fine, but generally pick restaurants which are better for young kids, ie outside space for a runaround or casual environment with bar food. Nowt all to do with parenting, just two very different personalities. The younger one is just taking a bit longer to grow out of tantrums etc but that doesn’t mean we won’t be getting out and about and living our lives.

Mumsanetta · 14/01/2024 13:38

Went for lunch ystrday with friend and who has kids same age they sat there nicely next to their parents at the table playing with some little toys and looking at books while mine ran loops around the restaurant cackling at the top of their lungs and wouldn't settle until I resorted to giving them screen time.

I have tried not giving in to them but the tantrums are extreme and long so sometimes give them what they want as my nerves can't take anymore.

Sorry @Jingledog, but yes it’s your parenting. It’s perfectly normal for children to behave in that way if they know that their parent/s will eventually give in. You need consistent boundaries with consequences every single time. It may seem like the harder option in the short term but it’s infinitely the better option in the long term for yourself and your children. Children with consistent, firm boundaries are happy children. Imagine gingerly stepping onto a frozen lake because you’re not sure if it’s safe. You relax as soon as you realise it’s solid and can support your weight.

Blackcountryexile · 14/01/2024 13:39

When mine were a similar age and throwing tantrums I would remind myself that every time I gave in I'd have that battle to fight again. Difficult though it is clear expectations,consistency and following through are key. I would say most children hate it when adults shout and it only makes a situation worse. Try to speak quietly so they have to listen. A low tone of quiet menace is the one to aim for.
Keep your eyes on the prize! When you've got this sorted you'll be able to do far more with them and enjoy it.

RejuvenatedJJanuary · 14/01/2024 13:39

Totally normal op. I had one of each, one sitting one who would never sit..

Going out was incredibly stressful! She never wanted to sit and eat, a supermarket was a wonderful play ground of things to pull!! So no she wouldn't be strapped in either as that was stopping her fun.

It was a nightmare but mostly because of the judgement and looks I used to get.

Original poster
Jingledog · 14/01/2024 13:40

@NuffSaidSam my 3.5 year is a character but well behaved at nursery. He was observed for SEN due to his social interactions but was deemed to be picking and choosing and being selective with who he plays with instead of being unable to IYSWIM. I did wonder is ASD presents as more emotionally volatile with meltdowns. But he is massively striving for independence at the moment which I think is contributing

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2024 13:40

Jingledog · 14/01/2024 13:24

@bakewellbride I hear what you are saying but going home would ruin it for myself too as I don't get out much to see friends. But agree with the premise maybe time to up my game

Good grief, op. I'm sorry, but it's not about you anymore and what you would like. You're a parent, you need to properly discipline your children and stop inflicting their behaviour on everyone else. You have to be firm yet kind and always consistent. Your kids need you to guide them and teach them what is acceptable behaviour. Your job is to nurture them into being socially desirable human beings, kids who other adults and children actually enjoy being around.

LaughterTitsoff · 14/01/2024 13:41

RejuvenatedJJanuary · 14/01/2024 13:39

Totally normal op. I had one of each, one sitting one who would never sit..

Going out was incredibly stressful! She never wanted to sit and eat, a supermarket was a wonderful play ground of things to pull!! So no she wouldn't be strapped in either as that was stopping her fun.

It was a nightmare but mostly because of the judgement and looks I used to get.

So no she wouldn't be strapped in either as that was stopping her fun.

She would be strapped in if you insisted on it and stuck to it.

The only thing is, you as her mother would have to learn to deal with the ensuing tantrums.

It's part of parenting though 🤷‍♂️

RejuvenatedJJanuary · 14/01/2024 13:42

@Aquamarine1029 a depressed miserable and isolated parent will find it much harder to set boundaries.

DRS1970 · 14/01/2024 13:43

Be sure to give screen time/a reward for being well behaved, rather than giving it to them to stop them being naughty. Otherwise they will believe the naughty behaviours gets them what they crave. GL