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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my kids naughty or normal

413 replies

Jingledog · 14/01/2024 12:47

I have a 2 year and 3.5 year old DS. Went shopping today and the 2 year was in pram wailing until he was given snacks and screeching at top of lungs.

3 year old wanted to do everything tap the card put food in trolley scan items etc when I did some too as he had a meltdown threw himself on the floor screaming and saying mummy I wanted to do it. Same in the next shop then running off after pigeons and not coming back.

Went for lunch ystrday with friend and who has kids same age they sat there nicely next to their parents at the table playing with some little toys and looking at books while mine ran loops around the restaurant cackling at the top of their lungs and wouldn't settle until I resorted to giving them screen time.

I have tried not giving in to them but the tantrums are extreme and long so sometimes give them what they want as my nerves can't take anymore.

Is it the way I've patented or is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
SingingCats · 14/01/2024 21:06

Shopping is very boring for children, they need a good run round the park daily to burn off their energy. If possible shop online

Original poster
Jingledog · 14/01/2024 21:09

@orh thank you I agree - they both fell asleep as soon as we got home think they're under weather and tired as both woke up snotty and flushed and have been obedient and very helpful tidying up and giving me lots of cuddles ever since our pretty disastrous shopping trip. They are actually not always like it you are right about the blur effect. I guess I was stressed earlier looking for support and advice (won't be doing that on MN again) I do need to work on boundaries and not giving in. I don't always buy have on occasion. I withheld something they like to play with this afternoon and it has already had a positive impact on their behaviour. Appreciate your reply.

OP posts:
orh · 14/01/2024 21:16

Jingledog · 14/01/2024 21:09

@orh thank you I agree - they both fell asleep as soon as we got home think they're under weather and tired as both woke up snotty and flushed and have been obedient and very helpful tidying up and giving me lots of cuddles ever since our pretty disastrous shopping trip. They are actually not always like it you are right about the blur effect. I guess I was stressed earlier looking for support and advice (won't be doing that on MN again) I do need to work on boundaries and not giving in. I don't always buy have on occasion. I withheld something they like to play with this afternoon and it has already had a positive impact on their behaviour. Appreciate your reply.

@Jingledog trust me, I've been there and had these perfect parents completely rip me to shreds and make me feel absolutely terrible.

I've also felt completely deflated after shopping trips of trips anywhere really ! My husband and I nearly lost our minds taking them to the beach.

I've also given in to tantrums before, just because I was at absolute breaking point.

It will get better. Their brains just aren't there yet. It takes time. Give them that time.

Mrsgreen100 · 14/01/2024 21:16

Random suggestion, stop all sugar in their
diets

User373433 · 14/01/2024 21:35

Personally I disagree with those that say you need to be firmer. I have had three 'spirited' children. All neurodiverse but I didn't know that then. With my first, I was very strict and consistent. I noticed much more so than others with well behaved children at toddler groups who seemed permissive. I did wonder if I was being too strict, and that was causing it? But everyone's advice was just to be consistent and not give in etc but every time I reinforced a boundary my child would have a raging meltdown. She'd have a raging meltdown friendly when it was time to leave the house and then time to go home. I'd carry her kicking and screaming from friends houses because she didn't want to leave. I didn't give in when I had said no to something, and I didn't bribe. She got loads of one to one attention.

When I had dc3 who reminds me the most of dc1, I gave in and bribed etc and did things for an easier life because what I learned from dc1 is that for some children who struggle with emotional regulation more than others, being inflexible just prolongs everyone's suffering and they are unable to learn from it so you have to repeat the trauma over and over. So I gave in or didn't insist on things often. I provided bribes etc I also learned to predict triggers and asked friends if we could meet somewhere for a walk or to playground, as restaurants and cafes don't work for us yet. People often joke about how parenting standards slip with each DC, but it's not just because parents give up, it's because they become wiser. My dc3 didn't become even more difficult because I became less strict.

I think trying the standard methods of discipline is always wise. But if you are doing the same thing endlessly and it isn't working, it doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Your child just needs a different style of parenting. And you need to develop a thick skin and find friends who also have the same parenting experience.

BananasInThreePieceSuits · 14/01/2024 21:39

I withheld something they like to play with this afternoon

Nope. This is not a good idea. You really need to do some research on child behaviour and development.

This isn’t a power battle. It isn’t about punishment. It’s about education and discipline - there is a difference and you should not only know it but put it into practice.

You owe it to your children.

TiaSeeya · 14/01/2024 21:40

My dear old mum, who was a teacher for aeons, used to say, when one of mine was giving it , “Challenging children make interesting adults”.

They are almost adults now. She wasn’t wrong.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/01/2024 21:43

Your kids sound normal. But you cannot allow them to run around a restaurant unrestrained. You either put a stop to that behavior or you leave. Simple as that.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/01/2024 21:46

Please try not to give in with the screen time. I know it's hard. Mine are 6 and 4 and I'm really glad I haven't overdone the screens. Go to restaurants and shops, you will see kids sitting like zombies on tablets, unable to communicate or handle a normal social situation, unable to cope with being bored for one minute. It's sad.

Push through, I have been where you are, not so long ago I was trying to pick up tantruming toddlers from the middle of the veg aisle. It's hard, it sucks, but it's worth it. I am now seeing light at the end of the tunnel and I'm glad I stuck to my guns.

Set a boundary and consequence and be prepared to follow through.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/01/2024 21:47

Just wanted to add you are in the hardest days and it really does get better if you stick to your guns

Original poster
Jingledog · 14/01/2024 21:48

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant love this 😃 they definitely have character that's for sure

OP posts:
Original poster
Jingledog · 14/01/2024 21:50

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant I know I was disappointed that I resorted to the phone hence my post I guess. I'm usually pretty strict about it but I made an exception. I have learnt from it

OP posts:
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/01/2024 21:51

@Jingledog

Don't beat yourself up. We have all been there. It's just when it becomes a pattern. Screen time has its place, don't get me wrong!

Bewler · 14/01/2024 21:57

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant i notice it most when we go on holiday. Restaurants full of kids on screens with headphones and sometimes adults eating whilst scrolling. It’s so worrying! I know there are individual circumstances - work deadlines, children up late and tired… but there was just such a lack of interaction it was scary!

cheerfulsunday · 14/01/2024 22:00

User373433 · 14/01/2024 21:35

Personally I disagree with those that say you need to be firmer. I have had three 'spirited' children. All neurodiverse but I didn't know that then. With my first, I was very strict and consistent. I noticed much more so than others with well behaved children at toddler groups who seemed permissive. I did wonder if I was being too strict, and that was causing it? But everyone's advice was just to be consistent and not give in etc but every time I reinforced a boundary my child would have a raging meltdown. She'd have a raging meltdown friendly when it was time to leave the house and then time to go home. I'd carry her kicking and screaming from friends houses because she didn't want to leave. I didn't give in when I had said no to something, and I didn't bribe. She got loads of one to one attention.

When I had dc3 who reminds me the most of dc1, I gave in and bribed etc and did things for an easier life because what I learned from dc1 is that for some children who struggle with emotional regulation more than others, being inflexible just prolongs everyone's suffering and they are unable to learn from it so you have to repeat the trauma over and over. So I gave in or didn't insist on things often. I provided bribes etc I also learned to predict triggers and asked friends if we could meet somewhere for a walk or to playground, as restaurants and cafes don't work for us yet. People often joke about how parenting standards slip with each DC, but it's not just because parents give up, it's because they become wiser. My dc3 didn't become even more difficult because I became less strict.

I think trying the standard methods of discipline is always wise. But if you are doing the same thing endlessly and it isn't working, it doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Your child just needs a different style of parenting. And you need to develop a thick skin and find friends who also have the same parenting experience.

Could not agree with you more.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/01/2024 22:07

@Bewler

Agree. Went out to a restaurant recently, there was a father and son sitting beside us, the boy just played a racing game on a phone the entire time while his Dad awkwardly ate in silence. It was sad.

When I take my kids to the park, there are rarely other children there. I assume they are all on devices.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 14/01/2024 22:09

I had a friend with a child the same age as mine so about 3 at the time. . She used to sigh and roll her eyes and say "what can I do? he just won't stay in his car seat!' The first time I took them out in the car with my kids he did exactly what she anticipated - he undid his seat strap and started to crawl around the floor of the car - on the M25. She just laughed and said "boys will be boys'.

I pulled off the motorway at the next exit, parked up and told him 'we aren't going anywhere until you are back in your car seat.' He started to giggle at first and then realised my kids weren't impressed, they wanted to get to Thorpe Park There was a long tense silence then he got back in his car seat. I strapped him in, we drove on and we had a great day out.

That was the first and last time I offered to drive them anywhere.

Bewler · 14/01/2024 22:14

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant there’s a boy we pass on our school run who walks along playing a game on an effing iPad. Like a zombie! It’s a miracle he hasn’t walked into a lamppost. Screens + Covid have done so much damage to a generation’s social skills.

Saschka · 14/01/2024 22:26

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 14:28

You can and should strap a four year old into a high chair.

Why ever not?

No four year old would fit into a high chair! They will be well over the weight/height limit.

They are also big enough to have a fair chance of tipping it over if they are having a proper “kicking and throwing themselves around” tantrum.

However OP, I do agree that you need to have a firmer hand with your children - not shouting, not scaring them, just meaning what you say and sticking to it. I don’t often tell DS no, but when I do I mean it and he knows it. Thankfully now he is older (6) we only really have full-on tantrums once or twice a year when he is overtired or overstimulated, but I certainly picked him up under my arm and marched out of places when he was 2-3, and wrestled him into a pushchair more times than I can count.

MissersMercer · 14/01/2024 22:36

They sound naughty yes. Parenting is hard.

VenhamousSnake · 14/01/2024 23:14

I suggested strapping your 2 & 3 year olds into a highchair.

My kids are a little older than yours and i regularly get compliments on their behaviour.

They weren't always easy! The youngest threw loads of tantrums, after she was about 2 and a short cafe lunch was ruined by her behaviour we actually didn't eat out for probably 18m while we worked on behaviour at home.

Children actually prefer to know that adults are in charge and in control. It makes them feel safer.

NannyR · 14/01/2024 23:38

BananasInThreePieceSuits · 14/01/2024 21:39

I withheld something they like to play with this afternoon

Nope. This is not a good idea. You really need to do some research on child behaviour and development.

This isn’t a power battle. It isn’t about punishment. It’s about education and discipline - there is a difference and you should not only know it but put it into practice.

You owe it to your children.

Totally agree with this - "how to talk so little kids will listen" is a brilliant book with far more respectful and effective discipline strategies. Definitely worth reading OP.

deliverdaniel · 15/01/2024 02:45

this bringing back horrible flashbacks of when my older two boys were younger. They were just like this and normal parenting boundaries just never worked. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted and felt so judged. I also remember other kids (usually girls) behaving perfectly and feeling like the worst parent in the world I remember starting a thread just like yours on mumsnet and getting similar response and it made me feel a million times worse. Mine were eventually diagnosed with adhd and asd. (I doubt this is true of yours and not trying to suggest it.) just sending solidarity- parenting is hard and so much depends on the temperament of the kid. I think parents could do with a lot more support and less judgement.

ThreeBeanChilli · 15/01/2024 03:57

@User373433 yes all this absolutely.

TiaSeeya · 15/01/2024 07:26

deliverdaniel · 15/01/2024 02:45

this bringing back horrible flashbacks of when my older two boys were younger. They were just like this and normal parenting boundaries just never worked. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted and felt so judged. I also remember other kids (usually girls) behaving perfectly and feeling like the worst parent in the world I remember starting a thread just like yours on mumsnet and getting similar response and it made me feel a million times worse. Mine were eventually diagnosed with adhd and asd. (I doubt this is true of yours and not trying to suggest it.) just sending solidarity- parenting is hard and so much depends on the temperament of the kid. I think parents could do with a lot more support and less judgement.

This.

I ended up surrounding myself with parents of challenging children, similar to my DS, rather than smug mums with perfect girls.

Things changed a bit when I had a “perfect girl”. I remember being in a baby group with a smug mum who had a perfect girl first and then a challenging boy. It would have been easy to sneer at her in revenge. She’s one of my best friends now. My challenging boy and her perfect girl are now 20 and at uni. My perfect girl (and hers) are of course not perfect. They are both, however, a bit more compliant. Well, DD was. She learnt how not to be from her brother. 😂

Which is a good thing. (To a point!)