Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel completely because of this?

159 replies

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 16:52

Was due to go on a date on Friday eve. He cancelled Friday morning because he was offered a shift at work and couldn't turn it down. Gave me plenty of notice and said we can meet up next weekend instead.

For some reason I just really don't want to go now. Was really excited and looking forward to it and suddenly, just not interested. I'm not annoyed or upset, just a bit meh.

There were a few things that bothered me a bit: he can't drive, lives an hour away (mainly this) but it wasn't a deal breaker as he seems nice.

Met on OLD.

AIBU to just sack it off?

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 13/01/2024 16:56

It's totally understandable you feel this way. You built it up and then nothing. However, it could be a once off (again and I'd be out). The hour away thing would be a bit of a pain especially if he doesn't drive. The thing is though, you won't know if he's worth that if you don't meet him. Could you do something easy like a coffee?

takealettermsjones · 13/01/2024 16:57

I mean you can sack it off for whatever reason you want, so if you're not feeling it any more then go for it.

However, my suspicion would be that this is his test to see how flexible/happy go lucky you are, how you react to disappointment, etc. I know women who do this with OLD.

That's not to say you have to pretend to be okay with it if you're not - just an indication that he may be looking for someone who's happy to chop and change plans, whereas you might be the kind of person who sticks to a plan unless there's an emergency.

Neither is right or wrong, but it's handy to know early on!

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:00

It's kind of just makes me feel like he's going to be a bit flakey. I have a 5yo, had arranged childcare etc, not the end of the world but I feel like something has changed and I'm all of a sudden just not interested. It's really odd.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 13/01/2024 17:03

cant drive, wouldnt put me off, Nobody can be good at everything. You might be able to drive but he might be better than you at other things.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:05

girlfriend44 · 13/01/2024 17:03

cant drive, wouldnt put me off, Nobody can be good at everything. You might be able to drive but he might be better than you at other things.

It's not just the not being able to drive. It's him being an hour away and being in a different city, which makes it a bit difficult when you're the only one who can drive. It would be three buses and a train to my house for instance.

OP posts:
Holidayhell22 · 13/01/2024 17:07

An hour away is quite far for someone who can’t drive. Couple that with the fact you have a young child and it would be a no from me.
Him working extra hours would not bother me though.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/01/2024 17:07

I think given you've got a child and arranged childcare, and he hasn't really taken this into account, that this isn't going to work.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:08

Holidayhell22 · 13/01/2024 17:07

An hour away is quite far for someone who can’t drive. Couple that with the fact you have a young child and it would be a no from me.
Him working extra hours would not bother me though.

Yep as I said, the cancelled date really is no big deal, but for some reason I just don't feel like I want to meet him anymore. Which I'm finding confusing as when I went to bed on Thurs I was excited. Maybe it's just made me question everything else a bit more. Who knows.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 13/01/2024 17:08

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:05

It's not just the not being able to drive. It's him being an hour away and being in a different city, which makes it a bit difficult when you're the only one who can drive. It would be three buses and a train to my house for instance.

Show quote history

No way. He'd need to be doing all the running to see me in that case.

Where were you due to meet? In his town or yours? If in his, deffo bin him.

Sera1989 · 13/01/2024 17:09

Why couldn't he turn down the shift? Because of the money? Do you think you could be feeling something like he might be insolvent or might put work before you/a relationship? I wouldn't give someone more than one pass to be flakey at short notice tbh. The living an hour away would put me off but if he seems like a catch except for not driving then you might as well meet up for a couple of hours just in case he's the LOYL

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:09

Dacadactyl · 13/01/2024 17:08

No way. He'd need to be doing all the running to see me in that case.

Where were you due to meet? In his town or yours? If in his, deffo bin him.

Show quote history

No in mine. But in the centre which is quite far away from mine, which is outskirts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:10

Sera1989 · 13/01/2024 17:09

Why couldn't he turn down the shift? Because of the money? Do you think you could be feeling something like he might be insolvent or might put work before you/a relationship? I wouldn't give someone more than one pass to be flakey at short notice tbh. The living an hour away would put me off but if he seems like a catch except for not driving then you might as well meet up for a couple of hours just in case he's the LOYL

He said he needed the money.

OP posts:
WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 13/01/2024 17:11

Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:00

It's kind of just makes me feel like he's going to be a bit flakey. I have a 5yo, had arranged childcare etc, not the end of the world but I feel like something has changed and I'm all of a sudden just not interested. It's really odd.

@Blomdd

Do you think it could be that he's not very financially stable if he needs to take an extra shift? & that he's postponed a date to do so?

he doesn't drive, lives s convoluted journey on PT away, does shift work etc etc.

it doesn't sound ideal at your age (no longer a Footloose teen).

youcandanceifyouwanna · 13/01/2024 17:12

If I had a child and had to arrange childcare I wouldn't want to date someone who cancelled on the actual day of the date- not unless it was an emergency. I don't blame you for going off him.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:13

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 13/01/2024 17:11

@Blomdd

Do you think it could be that he's not very financially stable if he needs to take an extra shift? & that he's postponed a date to do so?

he doesn't drive, lives s convoluted journey on PT away, does shift work etc etc.

it doesn't sound ideal at your age (no longer a Footloose teen).

Show quote history

Possibly. I don't have a lot of money, but I have enough. Would definitely be able to say no to an extra shift (if I did shift work!). But I have also been in a position where I needed extra money and sold stuff, even worked an extra job at one point (pre becoming a mum). So feels a bit judgemental.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:15

youcandanceifyouwanna · 13/01/2024 17:12

If I had a child and had to arrange childcare I wouldn't want to date someone who cancelled on the actual day of the date- not unless it was an emergency. I don't blame you for going off him.

Yeah I do kinda feel like this. I'm not upset about it, it's just made me feel a bit...apathetic?

OP posts:
LividName · 13/01/2024 17:15

I wouldn’t have entertained him beyond the doesn’t drive and lives an hour away. At best you’d be his chauffeur.

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:16

LividName · 13/01/2024 17:15

I wouldn’t have entertained him beyond the doesn’t drive and lives an hour away. At best you’d be his chauffeur.

My thinking was that a) it didn't come up until later on in the conversation so I'd already decided I liked him (as far as you can over text!), and b) he can always learn to drive... but perhaps you're right

OP posts:
OutFromUnderYou · 13/01/2024 17:18

An hour away and doesn't drive?

Nah.

Cosyblankets · 13/01/2024 17:21

An hour and doesn't drive. Nah. How far do you have your radius settings?

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:24

Cosyblankets · 13/01/2024 17:21

An hour and doesn't drive. Nah. How far do you have your radius settings?

20 miles but he was in the area when we matched.

OP posts:
DeDoDaDa · 13/01/2024 17:26

Everyone seems to just accept the extra shift excuse - I don't. I think you're just one plate that he's spinning amongst others. If he was keen he'd make sure he saw you.

Cosyblankets · 13/01/2024 17:29

20 miles can be a good distance when they don't drive.
My area is reasonably well served by PT but the town I used to work in was about 15 min drive. Getting there without a car would have been an issue as both towns are in the edge of two counties and it would have been about an hour! And a walk.
The not driving would be a bigger issue for me. Depending on age. Early 20s maybe not had the opportunity so maybe different but I'm a good bit older than that

Original poster
Blomdd · 13/01/2024 17:30

Cosyblankets · 13/01/2024 17:29

20 miles can be a good distance when they don't drive.
My area is reasonably well served by PT but the town I used to work in was about 15 min drive. Getting there without a car would have been an issue as both towns are in the edge of two counties and it would have been about an hour! And a walk.
The not driving would be a bigger issue for me. Depending on age. Early 20s maybe not had the opportunity so maybe different but I'm a good bit older than that

He's actually 45 miles away!

OP posts:
MiIz · 13/01/2024 17:32

I think if you were really feeling him you'd still want to see him. He's not for you.