To ask you to ‘Destroy without reading’? (Bereavement related)

[Izzy24]

Would you?

So if you were coping with clearing personal belongings and you came across a package marked as above, would you respect that person’s privacy and dispose of it without reading? Even if it was unsealed?

Yes! The person has made their wishes perfectly clear, and is entitled to privacy, even in death.

Yes. Though would wonder why the person had not disposed of it themselves if it was so important that no one else knew about it.

It’s probably a can of worms or something you won’t be able to ‘unsee’ so best left alone.

Although curiosity might get the better of me.

I’d like to think I would but in reality I suspect I’d be tempted to look.

*It’s probably a can of worms or something you won’t be able to ‘unsee’ so best left alone.

Although curiosity might get the better of me.*

Ditto.

I'd be tempted to keep it for the next generation when it's more historical.

Yes, and I did do With my dads stuff.

He’s not dead yet, but dementia, so he will never look at his stuff again, he couldn’t even tell you what year it is and just stares ahead.

Cleaned out his house when he went into a home. there was a box marked that and it contained some diaries (it wasn’t sealed, the lid was half torn. He also had a box full of diaries, he kept them religiously for years.

Chucked them all away, I had no desire to read his private items when his privacy and dignity is being stripped away daily in he home anyway.

What scares me is the box he’s got for after his death with a DVD marked “to be watched when I die”. I don’t even have a fucking dvd player and I know it will be filled with guilt trips (he was that sort of person), how to invest his money and how lucky I am to have it (he held his money over me his whole life and now all been eaten up by care home fees), I’ve got enough guilt that he ended up in a home. So that will be a fun day!

Yes, I would. It’s perfectly clear that whatever it is is private, so even though I’m a nosey cow I’d destroy it and probably wonder for life why the person didn’t destroy it whilst alive, and what was in it!

I think if it was clear it was diaries I'd definitely destroy it without reading. If it was some sort of mystery document or package, I don't know. Being completely honest I'd be sorely tempted to look at it.

@Peteryourhorseishere sorry for what you're going through. My dad also has dementia, not as far along yet as yours but it's heartbreaking to witness. Please don't watch the DVD, it doesn't sound like it will be good for you and he'll never know you didn't.

Depends on what it is. Diaries or journals i would burn without reading, official looking documents i would skim read first. Family historical papers i would definitely read.

If the person had really, really wanted nobody to read them then they should have destroyed the items themselves instead of writing a note.

I think I would put it away somewhere safe and try to forget about it. Just in case something cropped up in the future that meant questions needed answering. There must be a reason the deceased didn’t destroy it themselves.

I must be awful because I would look and then decide whether to destroy or keep for future generations (depending on what it is) If the person wanted it destroyed they could have done it themselves.

Yes I would if it was specifically marked like that, otherwise such a terrible violation

I would - it may be something they wanted to keep to look at, but didn't want anyone else to know I suppose, which is why they kept it. Perhaps a picture of a child by another relationship, a love letter from someone they had an affair with etc.

I know a family where a member killed themselves andthey left an explanation why and they don't want to talk about it, which makes me suspect perhaps it was something they'd rather not have known (as unlikely as seems with this person) and so I'd be inclined to do as asked with a 'destroy without reading'.

@Peteryourhorseishere I'd either watch that dvd now or dispose of it. If it is about the money it will be ironic given the nursing fees. And if he is beyond asking about it it doesn't matter when you see it. Easier than dealing with it than with grief too.

Depends.

my friend, my sister? I’d destroy it as per their wishes.

my husband? I’d look. Because whatever it is, it could impact me/my children.

I'm ashamed to admit I probably couldn't resist peeking

But you shouldn't do that

Might be eg porn, which would affect your view of them. That's one reason for them not wanting you to see it

I'd be the same. I really like to think that I'd respect their wishes, but in reality I think the temptation would be too much!

I would get a friend to watch that now if possible and just tell me if there is anything useful in it

Get someone else to read it then give you a synopsis.

In an ideal world, of course!

In the real world, I might have a quick skim of the contents just to make sure it was ok to throw and that the Will hadn't got put in it by mistake, for example.

Alternatively, I might keep it unopened until after the estate was sorted and there was no chance of there being anything important in the package. Then throw it away unopened.

Of course I would look. Human nature.

I would have a quick glance to see the general sort of thing, if it was diaries I’d prob not read, but if it was information about me eg birth certificate that discovered I was adopted I would deffo want to find out!

Are you gonna look OP? 👀

I honestly don't know.

I think I'd look enough to get the gist of what it was about and make my decision then. It could be something that people need to/should know rather than something that should be kept secret.