To ask you to ‘Destroy without reading’? (Bereavement related)

[Izzy24]

Would you?

So if you were coping with clearing personal belongings and you came across a package marked as above, would you respect that person’s privacy and dispose of it without reading? Even if it was unsealed?

Drama queen personality that wants people to read it and be talked about forever, or they would have destroyed it and/or dealt with the issues with the persons living, before death. I'd probably just bin in that case.

That’s sweet.

I would definitely read.

What an interesting question.

I actually surprised myself with my own response to it.

If it were my DC, then no, I would not read and would destroy. If it were my alcoholic dad or my narc mother, then I probably couldn’t resist having a peek.

I reflected on that, and I think it comes down to respect. I don’t have much respect for my parents, but have absolute respect for my adult DC.

Could you get someone you trust to watch and then they can tell you the essence of what it said without you having the trauma of watching it?

I would probably quickly skim read (and stop reading if it turned out to be very personal).

I would also factor in if the person had actually had opportunity to destroy the item or whether they'd had a very sudden illness which might have meant they couldn't do it.

That's very much my thoughts. It could be something that could be quite important and needed.
In some ways especially if they had dementia, because I've known a couple of people with that who have got paranoia as part of it, and would have been quite capable of sealing up some very important things that were needed and labelling it that.

I think though if it was something that effected another person badly (eg if my dad left something saying he had a love child; no, that's not likely!) then I would keep it a secret until people who might be effected would also be dead (so until mu mum died in the above example)

I'm a nosy cow and would have to read. I couldn't put off the "I wonder why it was marked like that" if I didn't

I'd also want to know if it was something that would affect me

Obviously the moral thing to do is destroy but I would 100% open. I say this as someone who has had family secrets re a relative given away decades ago when the woman had no choice but has since made contact with this relative given away and now have a great extended family as a result! It might be something that leads to a big positive!

Absolutely, my mum died last year and I instantly deleted her WhatsApp, messenger, messages etc. I feel strongly that she deserves her privacy still even tho she is gone.

Oh, who am I kidding- I'd read it. If you really want to keep something unread you should label it as "council dustbin schedule" or "bathroom grouting instructions" - make it as unappealing as possible. Labelling it as that guarantees curiosity

Not a chance I could just chuck it away and live the rest of my life not knowing, especially as it's almost certainly more mundane and less mysterious than I'd be imagining.

I wouldn’t be able to not read. I just know that if I didn’t, I’d spend the rest of my life wondering. I think I’d also wonder if it contained some information that I may find out about via other means in the future anyway, and I’d want to be prepared for that.

I would read. Then destroy depending on contents.

I’d like to think I would, but I wouldn’t bet my life savings on it!

I would definitely read it.

@Peteryourhorseishere

can’t you get someone else to watch the DVD for you? Then they can tell you if it is important or constructive for you to watch, or not to bother.

My my friend’s mother left her a letter which she was very wary of, so I read it for her. I told her it wasn’t particularly pleasant so just to chuck it away.

Of course I would.

If it was private dairies I wouldn’t read much. If it was details of a secret love child - hell yeah.

I’d maybe scan what documents relate to, to check nothing of major importance but I like to think I have enough integrity to honour their privacy. I certainly wouldn’t read diaries, letters or anything obviously personal.

I mean morally I should destroy

Realistically I'd probably at least glance through. I think leaving something like this for other people to deal with is kind of stupid thing to do tbh.

i would look. If you want something destroyed so no one knows anything do it whilst alive

I’d watch that DVD now to save yourself the upset of doing it when he actually dies. Then you can get rid of it.

Can people really not figure out why someone might not have destroyed things while they were alive? Sudden death, incapacitating illness meaning they were incapable of doing so, and it’s reasonable for them to have held onto things for a good portion of their life, in the hope/expectation that they’ll get the opportunity to destroy them later.

I’m in my 40s, I hope to have a good few decades of life yet and in those decades I’d like to have the pleasure of re-reading old love letters from a now-deceased lover, looking back on photos etc, so I’m not going to destroy them now, and I hope that I will have the opportunity to do so as a much older woman. But if I don’t, I hope that those who survive me have enough integrity to respect my privacy.

I honestly don’t have anyone that close to ask. my eldest is 21 but I wouldn’t lay that on him.

At what age should you destroy things that are precious to you, to prevent nosy people snooping after your death?

I’m afraid I’d read it op. I am the kind of person who needs to know. I think that any decisions that need making require all available info.

In that case they wouldn’t have been able to write “destroy without reading”.
If they wanted, they could have destroyed the whole lot at that point.