To ask you to ‘Destroy without reading’? (Bereavement related)

[Izzy24]

Would you?

So if you were coping with clearing personal belongings and you came across a package marked as above, would you respect that person’s privacy and dispose of it without reading? Even if it was unsealed?

I like to think I wouldn't look. But in reality I think I would take a brief look to make sure that disposal would not severely detriment someone who is still living. But as others have said, and I know from bitter experience, you can't unsee things, so could end up burdened with something for the rest of your days too. It is a tough call.

Realistically I'd have a v quick flick and then decide 😅

Probably.

The sheer fact it said "don't look" would make me want to look.

In reality I don't think I'd take the decision so likely and if I decided to start looking I'd stop if I thought there was a reason too.

I’m just wondering why someone would keep something and mark it with this. Why keep it? Why not destroy it themselves? Seems too temping to risk it?
@LittleMG @rockwater

Three most likely reasons

one is that they want to keep them and intend to destroy before death at the 'last minute' as it were but don't get the opportunity because of unexpected death, people keep whatever it is - say like old love letters from their spouse -for sentimental reasons. They want to keep them because they mean something to them and they think maybe I'll read them for comfort again when spouse dies or something like that. Unless you have a terminal illness, you don't know when you are going to die, so you label the envelope 'just in case' but then if you die younger than expected, or suddenly heart attack, then the opportunity is missed.

two is that people label it in the moment but then stick them in the loft and forget about them

three is that people lose the capacity to do it and when they do, this is their last priority - so someone who develops dementia won't even remember they are there, someone who has terminal cancer will be more focussed on wills and their children and living through a day of pain, someone who is elderly and frail isn't going to go mountaineering into the loft and start a bonfire. These sort of issues.

In some cases, there maybe an element of I'd kind of like you to read this if you want to as its part of me and who I am (diaries and letters I'm thinking about here rather than porn pictures!) but I'm warning you that you may not want to so giving you the opportunity to destroy it before you dive in. Like people having affairs who 'want to get caught' more of a 'I do want you to know about me'. This is probably more rare though.

What's a BUF uniform?

I’d have a nose and go off that.
Some of my family members are known for dramatics so wouldn’t be surprised if they’d have marked 90% of their belongings with ‘to be burned on my death’ but it’s just their boiler handbook

@pinkyredrose British Union of Fascists.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen
My my friend’s mother left her a letter which she was very wary of, so I read it for her. I told her it wasn’t particularly pleasant so just to chuck it away.

Roughly what was in it? I don't mean details obv but sort of general categories - when you say it wasn't particularly pleasant - affair, past crimes, attack on someone? roughly what kind of thing?

Interested to be forearmed! I'd never have though of intimate photographs until I read the post on this thread. wouldn't ahve occurred to me.

I would destroy without reading.

I kept diaries, very detailed ones for years and years, from childhood until I was about to get married. I asked DM what I should do with them and she asked me a simple question - do you want anyone to read them?

No. I didn't.

I took them to the local tip with a load of other rubbish.

So, please honour their wishes. Don't read it, don't look. Let it go.

You should destroy it.

but I don’t know if I could. I would also wonder whether it might be better to check the general contents - especially in case the person wasn’t sound of mind during a time they may have written these instructions.

and then I’d probably feel horribly guilty that I didn’t respect somebody’s last wish.

sigh. I do wonder why that person didn’t destroy it themselves if it was that important to them…

What if he’s going to reveal the hiding place for the rest of his fortune?

If it’s his wishes that the DVD should be watched after his death I would respect it.

"bathroom grouting instructions

That would make me read it though especially if they had a lovely bathroom 😂

I'd have to have a look :) But if a loved one found my diaries it would distress them.

If there was an existing situation such as he was a known criminal or I had been adopted or some kind of scandal in his past then I would be tempted to look.

I'd have to glance at it to get a rough grasp of what it was. Then bin it, assuming it wasn't criminal.

Depends on who the relative was and what I knew of them.

if I thought it was something that could upset me personally I might not.

but quite likely I would read, especially if there was any possibility it was something that could matter like parentage of children or similar where i feel those children would have a right to know.

im discreet though, good at keeping things private / secret, and i have good self control.

so id trust myself having looked to then be able to take time to reflect on the best next step - destroy as it’s said and never mention it to anyone (so in affect wishes respected)

or eg if it disclosed something like who someone’s father actually was, to take time to consider what would be the right and responsible thing to do next.

Last year I burned a load of diaries and letters, after spending a night reading them. I didn't want to die and have anyone read them, plus they have just been in a box for decades.
It was a fun night of reading, and if I happen to die, no one has to feel the need to read them.

Burn it and don't look.

TO the PP with the DVD, just bin it. you could ask a friend to watch it, but you know him and I doubt there's much good in it.

I’d be snout deep in a heart beat.

At least the first few lines- if it was a personal diary I wouldn’t read the material.

I mean just putting a note on that says don’t open/read this is going to pique my curiosity!

What if it was like, details of hidden Grandchildren? You would just be ok with never knowing? I’d need to know that everything was ok. I’d wonder about it forever if it was my child and I didn’t look

When does a diary turn into a family historical paper? Diaries written in the Second World War would probably count as ‘historical papers’ and could be found now as property of the recently dead.

He also had a box full of diaries, he kept them religiously for years.

I keep diaries, and the idea of them being chucked is depressing. The idea is to leave a trace of yourself behind. I wouldn't chuck a relative's diaries any more than I'd throw out family photos.

I would read it. It would drive me insane for the rest of my life.

We found something similar when clearing out my parents house. It turned out to be the birth/death certificates of a sister none of us knew we had. She had lived for a week and died 2 years before my elder sister was born. She was never spoken about. It was all very sad.

I suppose it would be possible to bring it to a trusted member of clergy (rabbi, pastor etc) and ask them to assess if it’s something you or anyone else need to know.

OP’s therapist (if OP has one) or a grief counselor might be appropriate as well.

I would hope that I’d be strong enough to destroy the contents without reading them.
But I do feel that something truly meant to remain unread / unseen probably should have been destroyed before the owner’s death.