Parents whose kids are in the same clothes for years

[Januaryisthepits]

I have a few mum friends who are wealthy (large homes with pools, private schools etc)
These mums dress their kids in clothes that they wait until are practically falling apart before they get new ones…dresses that then become tops with leggings, coats that are extremely snug etc. I realise it’s the smart thing to do and not wasteful etc, but I notice these parents v rarely spending any money on their childrens clothes and looking smart, whereas they will on themselves and spend money on experiences, often involving good restaurants and champagne.
In comparison, my mum friends with average income spend money on their kids clothes, making sure they fit, aren’t too old and shabby etc. My wealthier friends always seem to be proud of these cut backs they’re making, but it seems unfair on the kids, often buying second hand toys and books too, again, great, but nothing second hand themselves and also a bit unfair to the mums with less, who genuinely need the second hand items.
They also seem so proud to shop at Aldi/Lidl as though it’s an expression of something
Does anyone know what I mean?

Yes, there was a similar thread recently about “Brighton Mums”.

It is definitely a marker of higher class, inverse to smart new clothes

This is the key difference. These shops are highly unethical and places where only a certain type of person will shop. Those with more money are likely to have purchased very good quality ethically made often hand made or bespoke clothes and will make them last years!

It can often depend on circumstances. Kids that aren't bothered about their clothes so it's a waste to buy too much or invest in brands/nice clothes because they don't care, treat them exactly the same as the cheaper ones or worse, they always pick the threadbare old hoodie anyway. Some kids form very strong attachments to certain clothes and wear them as long as possible. I have one of those and we had dress turned into top and things like that. Some parents treat themselves with easily visible stuff, but while they might not spend on clothes, they treat their kids in other ways that matter to them clubs,hobbies,trips etc.

Yes, there are parents that always put themselves first , it's very unusual to find a whole group of them. My mum was one of those, always nice clothes,impeccably turned out, hair done etc. as a pre teen/teen , most of my clothes (bar uniform) came from market stalls and charity shops. Apparently I was too fat for proper/nice shops and it was too hard and frustrating for her to go shopping with me so that's what I got.

Is Oliver Twiat related to Oliver Twist?

Kids don't know if their clothes are designer or from Asda and they don't care.

Other kids (by about 8 or something) and adults do, though, and treat badly dressed children differently.

And of course children/teens know about clothes nowadays. A lot will learn which clothes are trendy/acceptable from their peers. You hear all the time about kids nagging for a certain fashionable pair of trainers etc. No one wants to look nasty (well, not everyone.)

It's different if parents are really broke, but if they're not they should try and make sure their kids look ok to other kids etc.

*Kids don't know if their clothes are designer or from Asda and they don't care.

Other kids (by about 8 or something) and adults do, though, and treat badly dressed children differently.*

Children can't tell if something is heavily stained but has been through the washing machine, or has fresh/dirty stains. A child always wearing obviously stained clothing will often be perceived as dirty by peers. It also looks babyish by about age 7/8 - toddlers walk around in stained clothing, older children don't typically.

Other kids (by about 8 or something) and adults do, though, and treat badly dressed children differently.

I find this narrative really odd. who is the arbiter of badly dressed?

Also very faded/worn clothing doesn't look good. Children 100% do notice! My DC happily wears second hand stuff from cousins etc when its in reasonable condition, but starts to be less happy to wear it when it looks visibly faded/heavily worn - you can see it, fabric thins, pictures fade, threads come loose.

"Badly dressed" = wearing stained/dirty ill fitting clothing.

My dc has some tops with sharpie marks that I can’t remove, I would never bin them when they are still in good nick.

Children aren't stupid. By age 7/8 they have learned clothing needs washing when its stained. School teachers will tell children off if they are in a skirt so short their knickers are on show. Tight/too small clothing is uncomfortable and looks it.

"Badly dressed" = wearing stained/dirty ill fitting clothing.

A shit ton of adults walk around in ill fitting clothing so i’m not sure how children can judge this. Dirty & smelly clothing is different but I don’t think anyone is saying don’t wash your dcs clothes?

School teachers will tell children off if they are in a skirt so short their knickers are on show

I don’t think it’s the norm to wear skirts shorter than your knickers? that would be a Jodie Matsh style belt!

What baffles me are the Mum’s that don’t buy clothes for themselves and wear the same few pairs of leggings and sweatshirts and yet their children have wardrobes bursting at the seams, including a new outfit for every day of the holidays.

Decisionsmecisions

Try nailvarnish remover/meths/alcohol hand gel You'd be amazed what it'll lift.

Presumably that's only one or two garments right? There's a big differemce betweem a child who occasionally wears an item with a pen mark, and a child who appears to have nothing to wear that isn't stained/faded/heavily worn.

It's funny the way some describe their parents putting them in second hand and it helped them learn the value of money. So many people talking about 'teaching children'.

It did the opposite for me. I resented it massively. Everytime I went shopping with my Mum and wanted to 'fit in' - Top Shop was the place to go - it was always met with 'it's tat, I could make that, where do they get their prices from for this rag'. So everything was bought from shops she pre-approved (e.g M&S) or she'd bring home bags of charity/second hand to sift through.

I do understand now where she was coming from but there was a time in my 20s where I should have been saving but I didn't - I was spend, spend, spending.....because I had my own money, could make my own choices and honestly, I just wanted to fit in and wear the trends and labels like everyone else. I was giddy with it.

Seemed to have the same effect on my siblings too because all of us as parents have made effort to figure out 'what the trendy clothes are now for our kids'. Not trendy in terms of what other parents think but trendy in 'what's everyone wearing in the playground'....and co-figure, we're all raising kids who saying 'i don't care if it's trendy, I like it'.

Obviously what it really boils down to is autonomy with a healthy dose of rebelling, haha.

(Talking about kids aged 9yrs+ of course.)

Also very faded/worn clothing doesn't look good. Children 100% do notice! My DC happily wears second hand stuff from cousins etc when its in reasonable condition, but starts to be less happy to wear it when it looks visibly faded/heavily worn - you can see it, fabric thins, pictures fade, threads come loose.

Depends on the clothing but I think you are conflating the issue. I don’t think anyone has said it’s ok to dress your dc in rags. I also think it depends on your peer group as to what dc notice.

I've mentioned in my previous comment that I was bullied. My clothes were all perfectly clean.

Unfortunately for me, when I was 10, the town got a new Police Inspector and his daughter was moved into my class. I never had any trouble until I made the mistake of winning 4th place (I kid you not) in a miniature gardening competition.

She apparently expected a prize but won nothing. Until then, we'd been friends. At that point, she turned on me and made a great deal of the fact that I always wore the same clothes.

It was a particularly mean thing to do - my dad was a coalminer, so we obviously were not as well off as her family.

My dad had an accident down the pit. He was given compensation. The money was used to pay for our first ever trip abroad - to see relatives. (My dad hadn't seen his own father for 30 years.)

Of course, new clothes were bought for the trip.

When mum found out about the bullying, she put me in a new outfit to school every day for a fortnight.

Thankfully, when we started secondary school there was a uniform and that removed the "You're wearing the same clothes!" ammunition.

Only a ‘certain type of person’ will shop at Primark or buy clothes in a supermarket. All the people I mix with are ‘that type of person’ 🤣🤣

There definitely is a ‘certain type of person’ on mumsnet though.

It’s well known that some people with money are tight. Money also doesn’t instantly make you a good parent. Items that are far too small are uncomfortable. If they dress in the same way themselves then I’d say clothes just aren’t their priority but if there’s a big disparity then that’s different. There’s also a difference between inappropriate clothing and just a bit tatty but warm and comfortable

@Gettingittogether I was given a lot of autonomy with choosing my clothes but did wear a lot of 2nd hand as a young dc, my mum also made quite a lot of amazing things & we bought a lot abroad (2nd gen immigrant). I love fashion & ended up working in it for years & I love individuality but I also think that was a big part of my teenage yrs (growing up in London in the 90s).

But this isn’t about teens is it?

Until my two were about 8 or 9 (girls) whenever I did they looked like they’d been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Now they are in their teens and care it’s worth making sure they have nice clothes.

This is me - I 100% buy all my children’s clothes from eBay or Vinted - or family hand me downs - they are SO hard on them and they grow so fast. I also want them to be comfortable and not to be precious about their clothes - to play with abandon.

They often pick their own clothes + my oldest son finds it amusing to squeeze in to his little brother’s jumper sometimes. If people see us in public and make judgements about who I am or what I prioritise because my happy children look a bit mad - that’s a them problem, not an us problem.

I spend WAY more on my clothes because I’m a grown up and because good quality adult clothes last decades not months.

no judgement about the supermarkets people chose to use. But I am definitely guilty of expressing delight about the nice wooden children’s toys you can often pick up there - or the good selection of cheese / baked goods in Lidl.

I’m not being a brat. I’m just comfortable with my life choices. When my children get older and start having strong opinions about their appearance / activities then sure, we can revisit that. But for now we’re fine!

what is it you find so upsetting about other people’s priorities OP?

None of which children need or want

Something my parents did for me and I will do for my kids when they reach 13 is to give them access to a monthly pocket money which is a reasonable amount (e.g £30-£40 a month). If they want to go to the cinema with their friends- it comes from that. If they need new trainers and want branded goods I will give them the equivalent of what I would spend on their trainers and they pay for the upgrade. If they want something really special they can save for it. If they want more money they can earn it (at 14 I had a paper round and worked in the newsagent for 4 hours on a saturday).

I think learning to budget is important. As it is I have been saving money for them since they were born. I don't want them to get access to that at 21 and blow it. I want them to have an understanding of the value of money and what it takes to get it before they can access it.