Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

@BiscuitHoney I'm not sure a beach holiday is a need?

I am surprised by the responses on this post. Of course 30 is a milestone birthday!

And everyone is different but I completely get where you're coming from. I was more open to experimenting with holidays before covid but now, the time just feels so precious and I don't want to waste a holiday doing something I don't like, I think I've become a bit narrow minded about it tbh. I only want a hot beach holiday where I can unwind from work stress. And he may have booked it but it's your time, and your special occasion.

I think a healthy relationship involves good communication, so I think you have to tell him really, or expect to have more cruises/non beach holidays booked in the future! But you should also ask him, was his holiday exactly what he wanted? Would he have changed anything? Maybe use it as an opportunity to learn more about each other and communicate more openly. I think surprises only work if you have done that in advance.

Perhaps next time, you pick the destination and he picks the rest, then it's still a surprise?

You are right. It is not a need. I said ‘wish’ too. I take great joy in organising lovely stuff for my husband, kids and friends which they ‘want’ rather than need. It’s great when it’s reciprocated too. It is so rewarding when you put lots of thought into planning something and get it ‘right’. It’s not easy but worth the effort.

My husband and I have always been appreciative but sensitively honest when it comes to things like gifts, especially when they cost a lot of money. It is a dynamic that works for us and feels healthy. Thirty years on and no offence taken.

Sorry, I don’t think ‘needs’ really applies to luxury holidays, especially when you have them frequently.

If ever there was proof that some people equate needs with wants it's this thread. I'm not just talking about the OP but all those posters storming on to talk about downtrodden 1950s housewives, Stepford wives etc. The sense of entitlement and loss of all reality is astounding.

Feminists fought for the right of women to not be abused, exploited, demeaned or harmed. If they thought their fight would come down to the 'need' of some 30 year old to have the perfect holiday and not be forced to go on a cruise they would be horrified.

I am woman hear me roar!

Do we actually know the time of year they were going? I've been to Bruges before and it was bloody sweltering and beautiful.
I feel like 15 or so years ago Bruges was a really popular destination for a short break. I wonder what changed.

So OP asked to be disparaged for celebrating her birthday? She asked to be told her husband should leave her! That she was pathetic. This was a first world problem and on and on the patronising, snide comments went. But sure I’m the problem for criticising? Nae bother love 👍🏻

No one disparaged her for wanting to celebrate her birthday. A sizeable number of posters said she was over reacting, making a bigger deal of a 30th birthday than warranted, and expressed sympathy for her partner who had tried to do something nice and was basically having it thrown back in his face.

Stop exaggerating.

Hard agree.

My DH is 100% amazing and does the world for me. Would I shit on his birthday gifts to me? Absolutely not. It’s gross behaviour to your partner.

I would agree it is not a feminist struggle (not that my opinion matters).
I think it is more a day to day communication issue. It could have been the wrong chocolate bar, that he always cooks a meal a way she does not like, the way he kisses goodnight or a massage not done the way she would prefer.
It is easy to say she should not care, but if she does then the problem remains. And it can fester or she can speak up.
It is a first world problem, but let us be grateful we are in the first world and make the most of it.

But arguing about chocolate bars and massages is not making the most of our privileged position. It's being spoilt and petulant. I don't want to live in a developed world where people behave like this.

Yes, and you are right and straight to the point. I realise how daft I seem.
Perhaps, I think that if something petty bother you, you should speak up. It should not bother you, but if it does then pretending is worse.

Sorry but I disagree with a lot of posters. The bar is so low for men that most of them would appreciate a kitkat.
I completely understand the feeling that he doesn't know you. My DH has done this a few times too - bought me something I didn't ask for or want, and then gets annoyed when I don't jump for joy. Constantly pandering and saying oh I love it to a crap present doesn't help anybody and just lets lazy men get away with being lazy.
I'm sure this cruise will be great. I'm sure he did think you'd like it. I'm sure you are grateful. It's still not what you wanted or what you'd book yourself and IT IS OK to feel that. I've seen so many posters on here saying be honest when it comes to gifts, ask for gift receipt, swap it, sell it on etc yet somehow when a husband or boyfriend is involved we're supposed to just be grateful they've remembered our names and it's bullshit.
If he really knew you, he'd have picked something you loved. He obviously loves you very much, and wants to treat you so can you suggest changing it?

@BiscuitHoney 37 years this year for me and DH, just goes to show that appreciation for each others efforts goes a long way...

I have to disagree. Returning presents or making your disappointment clear is rude and hurtful in my opinion.

I agree. My son is autistic so can be quite blunt (to put it politely!) but even he knows to accept gifts with good grace!

and by the OPs own admission he has put a lot of thought into the gift. Sadly she couldn’t put as much thought into her own behaviour!

Yes. And I agree with that.
I also think it can be about seeing the best. If we agree that he wants to please her and make her happy then it is best to communicate how. Idleally, that would have been before buying the tickets, but if it has to be afterwards, that is also OK.
Building up resentment is the best of both worlds.

Sorry, and I am a man and I am likely missing the point. I have never expected a persent from my GF or wife in a relationship, lovely though it is. Not giving you GF or wife a gift on their birthday of Christmas would seem a massive breech of expectations. And I know I am not authorative, as a mate was once shocked that my wife did not get me anything.

If you wanted this holiday to be perfecto organise it yourself

Thing is though this just doesn't hit the brief. A short expensive cruise for what could be a £500 total trip with more time in each city when a 5* week long beach all inclusive for £2k in cheap term time was hinted at. It is not very thoughtful. Even if she said a weekend in Amsterdam that is so different to the budget and plan that this would obviously be an extra holiday not the main event for 30th, particularly following her effort for his.

Ignoring the fact she literally told her partner she wanted to go to one of two of the destinations on the cruise’s stops? And hinted that she wanted a nice holiday?

I'd just be grateful someone had spent so much money on a lovely holiday

I’m not sure why people are saying it’s so cheap, it starts at 1300 for an inside cabin in the sale but there is nothing saying that’s what he has booked. Then there are all the add ons - he could easily have spent the £2000 that the OP has spent.

Being realistic he’s not going to get 5* all inclusive adults only beach holiday for £2000 in the summer.

Exactly!