Page 37 | Disappointed with birthday trip

Holidaybluees · 2024-01-13T02:21:52+00:00

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location. I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip. I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

PossumintheHouse · 13/01/2024 16:32

Holidaybluees · 13/01/2024 16:23

I posted as I wanted to see if I would be unreasonable to tell him I don’t fancy the cruise. It’s a yes or no answer. What you think of me is irrelevant. I told him I feel like an awful bitch and he told me off for referring to myself as such so I’m not worried about him leaving me. It was a hard conversation to have and I hold my hands up that I should have been clearer. I’m sad about the way things unfolded but I’m happy with the outcome. Waiting to hear if we can get the money back but I’m glad we have a plan in place if we can’t. I don’t have to grin through something I know I don’t want just because some on here are married to men who treat them with contempt. That just means I’m resigned to a life of missed marks and I’m not doing that. We’re good over here thanks

It was about the gesture. He bought you a cruise based on what you told him you wanted. You might feel like you’ve sorted it with your husband, but I bet you haven’t.

Ejismyf · 13/01/2024 16:32

Well done for saying. There was no point just sucking it up. 30 is a milestone bday my whole extended family went abroad for mine. I'm glad you can hopefully change it. I also agree Amsterdams better for a weekend getaway and a sun beach holiday sounds much better for your 30th. Hope you have a nice time when it comes.

Crazycatlady79 · 13/01/2024 16:43

I'm not sure an "happy compromise" is you getting what you want and your husband being upset, but I guess the dynamics of any relationship are always weighted in the favour of one of the pair.
I'd be crushed if a partner shat on a gift/experience I'd put a lot of thought into.
Honesty at all costs, eh?!
He's probably dreading your 40th already...

clpsmum · 13/01/2024 16:43

Spartak · 13/01/2024 03:02

So sad because you are only getting to go on a cruise for your birthday?

I think you need to get a grip.

This. He's put a lot of thought into it and you sound like a spoiled brat tbh

cancany174 · 13/01/2024 16:43

Holidaybluees · 13/01/2024 16:23

I posted as I wanted to see if I would be unreasonable to tell him I don’t fancy the cruise. It’s a yes or no answer. What you think of me is irrelevant. I told him I feel like an awful bitch and he told me off for referring to myself as such so I’m not worried about him leaving me. It was a hard conversation to have and I hold my hands up that I should have been clearer. I’m sad about the way things unfolded but I’m happy with the outcome. Waiting to hear if we can get the money back but I’m glad we have a plan in place if we can’t. I don’t have to grin through something I know I don’t want just because some on here are married to men who treat them with contempt. That just means I’m resigned to a life of missed marks and I’m not doing that. We’re good over here thanks

How is it contempt!!!!!!

If my husband planned and payed for a lovely trip and was excited to give it to me I would be grateful and happy!

Honestly grow up

Original poster

Holidaybluees · 13/01/2024 16:46

Thank you @Ejismyf
big assumption there @PossumintheHouse

OP posts:

Whatdotheyknow · 13/01/2024 16:48

@Holidaybluees you sound like you’ve nailed it to me. Communication and honesty are so key in a relationship. Hope you have a fabulous birthday celebration whatever you end up doing!

Savedpassword · 13/01/2024 16:51

The irony of the OP talking about people being married to somebody who treats them with contempt 🤔

Livingtothefull · 13/01/2024 16:54

Holidaybluees · 13/01/2024 16:23

I posted as I wanted to see if I would be unreasonable to tell him I don’t fancy the cruise. It’s a yes or no answer. What you think of me is irrelevant. I told him I feel like an awful bitch and he told me off for referring to myself as such so I’m not worried about him leaving me. It was a hard conversation to have and I hold my hands up that I should have been clearer. I’m sad about the way things unfolded but I’m happy with the outcome. Waiting to hear if we can get the money back but I’m glad we have a plan in place if we can’t. I don’t have to grin through something I know I don’t want just because some on here are married to men who treat them with contempt. That just means I’m resigned to a life of missed marks and I’m not doing that. We’re good over here thanks

I am glad it is working out well for you Op.

But I take issue with this: 'I don’t have to grin through something I know I don’t want just because some on here are married to men who treat them with contempt. That just means I’m resigned to a life of missed marks and I’m not doing that.' You seem to making an assumption here of bad faith on the part of posters - that those criticising are jealous or bitter. That is a rather insulting assumption about those who have taken the time to post on here.

Whereas imo most comments have come from a good place. Many people balance their own wishes against the wellbeing and feelings of others including loved ones, and may sometimes choose to accept not getting their own way for that reason. That is an entirely different thing from being a doormat, as several posters have pointed out.

ichifanny · 13/01/2024 16:54

Sounds very spoiled .. if you want full control over holidays just book your own things and don’t expect to be surprised . I’d love to go on a cruise even if it’s for 2 days .

ichifanny · 13/01/2024 16:55

Sounds very spoiled .. if you want full control over holidays just book your own things and don’t expect to be surprised . I’d love to go on a cruise even if it’s for 2 days .

kisstheblarney · 13/01/2024 17:01

Savedpassword · 13/01/2024 16:51

The irony of the OP talking about people being married to somebody who treats them with contempt 🤔

Exactly!

Talk about blind to her own failings!

Moonwatcher1234 · 13/01/2024 17:03

Ugh why do I keep getting notifications on this thread just to see OP repeatedly posting the same thing ad Infinitum. Great that you’re happy but it seems like you’re trying to convince yourself. Great that you don’t care what a bunch of strangers thinks of you (and rightly so) but it seems you do care. Very much.

Original poster

Holidaybluees · 13/01/2024 17:04

@Moonwatcher1234 you know you can ignore notifications right? You seem more invested than me. I don’t need to convince anyone of anything

OP posts:

Moonwatcher1234 · 13/01/2024 17:05

Holidaybluees · 13/01/2024 17:04

@Moonwatcher1234 you know you can ignore notifications right? You seem more invested than me. I don’t need to convince anyone of anything

Obviously I know that - but you do know you don’t have to keep trying to convince internet randoms of how happy you are right?

DriftingDora · 13/01/2024 17:07

Holidaybluees · 13/01/2024 16:23

I posted as I wanted to see if I would be unreasonable to tell him I don’t fancy the cruise. It’s a yes or no answer. What you think of me is irrelevant. I told him I feel like an awful bitch and he told me off for referring to myself as such so I’m not worried about him leaving me. It was a hard conversation to have and I hold my hands up that I should have been clearer. I’m sad about the way things unfolded but I’m happy with the outcome. Waiting to hear if we can get the money back but I’m glad we have a plan in place if we can’t. I don’t have to grin through something I know I don’t want just because some on here are married to men who treat them with contempt. That just means I’m resigned to a life of missed marks and I’m not doing that. We’re good over here thanks

'he told me off for referring to myself as such so I’m not worried about him leaving me'.

Er? What? 😂😂

This is surreal.

cruisebaba1 · 13/01/2024 17:10

Crazycatlady79 · 13/01/2024 03:30

Honestly, you sound petulant and unbelievably ungrateful.
You wanted him to do 'like for like' and he's 'missed the mark'?!
Fucking hell...

Well said!

EwwSprouts · 13/01/2024 17:16

I don’t have to grin through something I know I don’t want just because some on here are married to men who treat them with contempt.
Wow prickly much? You're making a huge leap there. Some of us are just a little more willing to compromise knowing we can make sure we communicate better in the future and that we're not perfect either.

ConstitutionHill · 13/01/2024 17:22

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/01/2024 09:27

”OP, this is Mumsnet. It’s full of women who work full time, run the home, push out the babies and don’t even a decent Christmas present from their loser husbands. As a result, you need to be extremely grateful if you husband presents you with a bottle of antifreeze and a box of a Milk Tray for your birthday because if not you are a SPOILT GOLDIGGER BRAT.”

this is so true! It’s basically INTERNALISED MISOGONY

Yes. As the thread has gone on, I'm starting to agree.

ichifanny · 13/01/2024 17:22

Some couples just treat each other with care and appreciate things they do for each other , you shouldn’t need grand gestures to know someone loves you . I worked with a woman who was a total princess in everything , fancy wedding luxury holiday , wanted gifts etc guess what her husband got the fuck out of there .

Mikimoto · 13/01/2024 17:24

Maybe he was thinking "now we're in our 30s, we can also do something a tiny bit cultural to expand our horizons, apart from the beach and waterpark".

What actually happened was that, last year, you planned a holiday that was perfect for YOU, and this time round, you want a holiday that is perfect for...you.

ConstitutionHill · 13/01/2024 17:25

Doggymummar · 13/01/2024 09:30

For my 40th I was very explicit that I wanted to go to Dubai. I was a travel agent at the time and could get amazing deals. For context for my now ex husbands 4oth I bought a three centre fly cruise to Egypt with all the bells and whistles hot air balloon over the valley of the king's, night boat to Cairo etc. so a big trip. It all went wrong when we arrived at Gatwick and went to the Flybe check-in desk. I knew at that moment we were going somewhere in the UK. My suitcase was packed with Summer clothes, my birthday is in November!

To make matters worse he had mistakenly booked flights for the previous day and we had missed the flight. So he has to buy them again, but we had lost in night of the hotel. The flight had now cost as much as going to Dubai. So off we went to Jersey, for two nights, a place I had visited several times. He had booked a BandB in the outskirts of St Helier with nothing in walking distance. I was fuming and we ended up having a massive row, the b and b had a wedding on so we couldn't eat and the bar was showing the X factor on TV. He wanted to watch football so took a taxi to town and went to a sports bar and got so pissed he left his card behind the bar. The next day before we went home we had to try and get his card back so got to do precisely nothing. So one night in jersey Vs the two weeks in Dubai I thought I was getting. I went back to work on the Monday. It wasn't a money thing as we were comfortably off it was a lack of care and inattention to what I would enjoy. Unbelievably this wasn't the final straw, that came about three months later.

So I understand how you feel.

Blimey. What was the final straw I wonder?

gothicomedy · 13/01/2024 17:33

easylikeasundaymorn · 13/01/2024 15:59

what legal rights do you acquire at 21?

I'm assuming OP used milestone to denote exactly as you've said 'birthdays that feel a bit more significant,' so it feels pedantic that people are squabbling about the exact wording when its very obvious what she meant.

I agree 80, 90, and 100 could be milestones because fewer people reach them, but otherwise can't see the argument that 40, 50, or 60 would be any more important than 30! So either its accepted that all '0' ending birthdays are usually considered to be a bit more significant, or none of them are!

Show quote history

That's what I said 'all birthdays with a 0 are probably considered a bit more significant' but not all are 'milestones'.

As for legal rights at 21 you can, for instance, apply to adopt a child eg a partner's child or a family member's orphaned child, demand full national minimum wage, apply for various jobs that require commercial driving licences. Until relatively recently it was when you officially came 'of age' and could get married without parental permission etc so it acquired that 'milestone' status from those days. But nowadays 18 is the biggie and the real milestone birthday I suppose.

Highlighta · 13/01/2024 17:36

I am quite glad to see you admit to being a control freak OP, as it's coming though loud and clear now.

There is a very big difference between not accepting bad behaviour from a spouse and this situation.

But I know a couple who this post reminds me of. The wife sounds like you, wants what she wants but doesn't explain what it is she wants. There is a 'hint' here and there and then her entire dream is then expected. Her husband, like yours, took bit and pieces of all the hints (demands) and never ever were they good enough. And I have been to some of the events he planned, and he did a fine job imo. But it was never good enough. She just had a milestone birthday and he took her away to a place she kept hinting about. In fact he even called me to ask me about the place. I suggested he do NOT do any more surprises and to ask her outright what she wants. He said no as she insists it should be a surprise. Guess what. His planned surprise didn't suit her either, according to her he missed the mark in various things. One of these is so petty that a bottle of fruit and champagne needed to be in the room on arrival. I spoke to him after, and when I asked him how it was, his reply was 'I could honestly arrange to us to go in a trip to the moon and back, and it still wouldn't be good enough'.

They are not in a good place, and he had said he will no longer be planning anything, and if he does, it will be what he likes. Some people can plan thing and do an excellent job. Not everyone can do everything right all the time, especially when it's not be 100 communicated.

If you feel better about talking to him about it, that is good. But don't be too shocked if he shys away from planning something else. You have more than likely crushed his spirit today. It's clear from his response that he thought he nailed it on hints.

And I knew it wouldn't be long before the race to the bottom comment was chucked in. But you're equally guilty of this. Saying how much better your planning was ......

gothicomedy · 13/01/2024 17:40

I'm finding this thread strangely fascinating. All this 'go girl, you assert your rights and needs, don't be a pushover' stuff. It's not as if the OP's partner was trying to stop her from having a job, or her own bank account, or seeing her friends or whatever.
He had booked a surprise holiday that wasn't to the OP's taste. Hardly a case of her rights being trampled on, or having to assert her 'needs'.