Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

I’m sorry your DH is so thoughtless. However that doesn’t mean the bar should be set so low that the OP (or anyone else) should be grateful for a holiday they don’t ‘hate’. What a lot of nonsense

There are numerous posts on MN about genuinely awful husbands and partners, but the Op's DH doesn't seem to be one of them. So I disagree that this is about setting the bar low for men......some may be less good than others about intuiting such things intuiting their partner's holiday expectations but that does not make them bad human beings just that it is not one of their strengths.

Either plan occasions together to be sure you both get what you want, or allow your partner to surprise you and just go with the flow. You can't have it both ways.

Anyway the Op has posted that she is disregarding everyone who has been 'insulting' her (I have seen no insults on here) and that she doesn't care about what strangers think about her - yet she asked for strangers' views about here and obviously doesn't like most of the response. So she needn't have bothered posting in the first place need she?

I’m a bit of a control freak too so god knows what I was thinking when we agreed to surprise each other. Never again

No shit Sherlock! Oh and I don't think there's any risk in him bothering to surprise you again!

Then why bother posting? You’d clearly made up your mind and were going to do what you were going to do. All you’ve done is to attempt (poorly) to create an echo chamber to validate yourself.

The OP has been rather silly with her 'hints', if she is so rigid in what she wants she needs to communicate that. Her husband has made an effort but for whatever reason, it 'missed the mark'. Not really surprising when OP won't just say outright what she wants. Some people like surprises, some don't. If one is of the 'don't like surprises' variety then bloody well say it. Don't expect people to be mind readers

This. I really feel for her DH, he tried really hard with some of the clues she gave. They've talked about cruises, Amsterdam and adult only. He's picked up on those and booked something he thought she'd like. That's the nature of surprises - sometimes they are not quite what you thought they'd be.

Whether she tells her DH, or not, depends on how much she thinks it will hurt him. I wouldn't tell my DH, I'd go along on the trip with an open mind. But some people wouldn't be hurt if they were told they got it wrong, they'd rather be told and try to rebook. Only the OP knows whether her DH will be hurt.

My DH has booked trips away for me, and I haven't known where we were going until we got there! Once was New York (amazing!) and once was the Isle of Wight, which I'd never thought about going to (I was initially a bit disappointed as I thought we were going abroad, but I hid it, and we had a really lovely time)

This is quite the step change from your earlier post that said

The thought of upsetting him crushes me so I think it’s unlikely I’ll say anything

yet the majority of posts advised you to keep quiet, focus on the elements that did meet your criteria and give it a try because perhaps you might be surprised.

Still, glad you’ve got over your anxiety about upsetting him. That will no doubt come in handy next time he makes a mistake.

Op would you compromise, if your partner said this is the kind of holiday he would really like to try would you give it a go, or must it be what you want?

Exactly this.
Folk have tried to see it from OPs perspective to some degree, however she seems unable to take on board anything which doesn't 100% agree with her view (instead labelling it an insult).

People like you really annoy me!! You sound like a spoilt brat! You know some people can’t afford to eat right?!

Hi OP,

As a couple you have learned something valuable about what works for you. Agreeing that surprises don't work for you (as you have) will mean that this won't happen again. For you as a couple a surprise trip just means spending money and annual leave on a holiday that you haven't had the opportunity to agree on.
Navigate through this as best you can - rearranging or making the best of it - and enjoy holidays being a joint endeavor in the future.

I think the same might apply to major gifts as well as I can imagine the exact same issue arising with an engagement ring for example (I thought he knew me/I had hinted what I wanted etc and I don't like it). Probably best to avoid surprises all round if you have strong ideas what you like and want and don't adapt easily.

I hope you enjoy your birthday whatever you end up doing.

Glad you spoke to him Op - great outcome!

FWIW, i agree that a 30th birthday is a big one and don't think you've been a princess at all!

tbh I’m not going to suck it up

This really really wasn’t a “suck it up” situation. It was a be moderately grateful at least and try a new experience because you might actually like it situation. It was a lovely sounding holiday not him forcing the inlaws on you for 2 weeks/ refusing to do the garden etc

Your poor DH, of course he said he was ok with it, what else is anyone going to say when they’ve been told that their gift was shit? I bet you’ve put him off completely trying anything of his own initiative. I’ve read all your posts and I don’t fully understand what you actually wanted. Just don’t complain in the future that he needs micro managing and that he never does anything spontaneous…

I do agree with those posters who said that your DH seemed to take your inputs on board but simply ended up with something you weren´t happy with due to your "hints" not being specific enough.

But this sounds like a great resolution! Very much reminds me of this year´s Christmas present from my SO. As soon as we had a proper conversation, he explained his thought process etc. I managed to enjoy the present much more.

I hope you´ll both enjoy the cruise!

Edit: Deleted because, on second thought, 'If you're not going to say anything nice....." etc.

In future you say you will “Stick to your guns and not suppress your needs and wants”
Honestly you sound so overprivileged OP

So you're 30 and you've decided what you like, not really open to new experiences, and decided that whilst you don't know anything about it your're upset. Perhaps your DH is trying to look outside your rut.

The next 40 years is going to be pretty boring if you stay like this

OP, I hope this all works out for you. I guess your DP listened to some of your clues & not others. It's bad luck really. I think 30 is a milestone birthday - can't actually remember what we did for mine, but we'd married a couple of years before it & DH surprised me by sending the most enormous bouquet to my place of work, containing flowers he remembered I'd had in my wedding bouquet. Aw.

Mind you, he's gone wrong too, sometimes. Most notably by bringing me a present from a business trip which was a too-tight, pale pink (yuk) T-shirt with the word 'BOSTON' emblazoned across my boobs.😂 Needless to say, that didn't get worn. He did much better on a later trip with some American-published Corvette magazines & real estate brochures. They live & learn.

Btw, all. Most people keep saying DH. It’s not her husband, it’s her partner. If she’s only 30 then they might not have been together that long and/or live together.

I don't blame you at all. Amsterdam and Bruges sounds like a pretty underwhelming cruise...

Yet they're offered and I assume take up is good, or they wouldn't be available?

So I think you'll find a number of people like them.

My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight..

OP, you are getting a horribly hard time here from people who are essentially terrible snobs about anyone who enjoys a beach holiday. Looking at your posts throughout the thread, it’s very clear to me that you aren’t being a spoiled brat, but just hate the thought of the money and your birthday being wasted on something you really can’t get excited about. Like you say - you’ve actually realised while thinking it over that he does know you and he has clearly gone to an effort to think of something that he felt would be more of a ‘surprise’; it’s just that he missed the mark.

I’m glad you’ve spoken to him and I’m glad you’ve agreed between you what happens next - I think that’s a sign of a good relationship that you could have that conversation. And if the holiday can’t be cancelled, just make the absolute most of it and throw yourself into it. Bruges is beautiful and quite a chilled, romantic sort of place, even if it wouldn’t have been your top choice!

Also it’s irrelevant whether or not other people think 30 is a ‘big’ birthday or not! Clearly you and your partner do, and that’s all that matters, not the random judgement of Mumsnetters (most of whom seem to think the whole notion of enjoying or celebrating any birthday after the age of 18 is somehow abnormal, for some reason).

Whatever happens, I hope you have a lovely time.

In my opinion, he's been very thoughtful
It's something different to do together and you still get experience different sights
You can still sunbathe on a cruise ship

I think this is a relatively new thing. I'm 48 and in my experience, not including kids birthdays, you'd never have got cards and banners etc for any birthdays other than 18, 21 and 40 years ago.