More of a WWYD? Wedding abroad…

[Jessforless]

A friend of ours is getting married abroad and the cost of going, accommodation, a hen and stag day day trip cost which was A LOT in July.

We said we couldn’t go. We are trying so hard at the moment to save money for various reasons and this wasn’t in our plans. I’m talking package 7k plus for this.

The response to our decline wasn’t great, and they actually cancelled a few planned things with us last summer after we declined.

We felt awful and our children are such good friends, my DH found separately amazing flight deals, hotel, etc, so we decided, let’s just do it. The friendship means a lot.

We are basically 5k in to this trip, because of going for cheaper tickets etc for everything - all non refundable. Of course because we’re idiots.

you can probably see what’s coming?

They’ve cancelled the wedding today. They’re going to get married in the UK because one set of parents can’t go. We’re not the only people affected but a lot of people booked the package which you can get back as a voucher / move to a different holiday. We stupidly tried to save money and have booked flights through Skyscanner, accommodation through booking.com and a ticket to something local via get your guide. None of it is refundable.

Im so upset. Probably this thread is for nothing - because what can we do?! We’re going to have to just go to this place we would never have chosen to go to for a holiday and suck it up. Just feels so frustrating and unfair in a year where we really could have done without it.

So, probably tumbleweed… but what would you do? Please be gentle as I’m gutted about the money. Honestly, this was such a financial stretch for us this year but following their reaction we didn’t see what else we could no but try and get there as cheaply as possible.

They are not your friends OP no matter how many times you keep telling yourself.

OP, you had my 100% sympathy until your recent post suggesting you’re very keen to maintain the friendship - you sound like a complete doormat

I would be upset at myself for booking it tbh but what’s done is done.
Take the positive out of the situation and have a great holiday x

We got married abroad and made it clear to absolutely everyone that they were welcome to come, but really didn't have to as we were having a big evening party when we got back. I wore my dress again and we had a cake and DJ etc. So, we had a small group of immediate family come with us, which was perfect.
It's very selfish to get upset with people for not wanting to or being able to afford to spend hundreds, let alone thousands for your wedding.
Put it down to a lesson learnt and enjoy the family holiday together.

Those are nit friends ! They are users !! Are you sure you cannot cancel anything ? It’s a long way until July , is the destination good for a family holiday at least? Honestly their behaviour was vile and I would make sure she knew how much money you are down due to them . I wouldn’t even send them a bloody card

What awful people your friends are.
I would be maintaining civility just sufficient to not affect my kids friendships, but I would never socialise with them again.

I think the best thing you can do now is research and put your efforts into making Bali the greatest holiday you've ever had. I know some friends who went to Bali as a family for a wedding and had a wonderful time. Presumably a wedding would be in the pissed backpackers bit?!

I'd be willing to bet loads of people said they weren't going and that is why they called it off. They are probably pissed about that too. So the best thing you can do is have an amazing time and be sure to come back and tell them how wonderful it is and post pics all over social media. Bonus points if you do meet up with the other family. Although, surely the pending bride and groom are also all booked up to go??

but following their reaction we didn’t see what else we could no but try and get there as cheaply as possible.

Unbelievable.

You won’t get the money back from your credit card company 100%.
Bali is fab,I have been 3 times,make the most of it.
Start planning now,you won’t regret it.

I'm sorry but if you couldn't afford it then you are stupid to have done it. No friendship is worth getting in to debt for, this is Gaslighting and they are not your friends but I have absolutely no sympathy for you what so ever.

And yes, of course my kids have other friends, one of them is primary and one is secondary and these kids have been solidly best friends with them since the first one started nursery, I don’t want to introduce any awkwardness into those relationships because of their parents

Well, THEY don't appear to be bothered by introducing awkwardness considering their appalling behaviour towards you do they? these people have treated you like the dirt on their shoes and you are coming across as a wet simp by trying to grovel up the crumbs of friendship they seem to be throwing at you when they feel like it.

I'm not best friends with my children's friends parents (I like them, we just arent friends) and it's never ever been an issue at all. I think this is you making excuses for not wanting to stand up for yourself or your family.

Consider what kind of message this sends to your kids?- they should pay for their friendships no matter how badly they are treated

They are NOT friends. My friends would never behave like this and if they did, I'd let them go.

I'm so sorry you're in this predicament because of 'friends' who also left you out if activities as well as expecting you to fork out £££s.

Go enjoy Bali. It's beautiful and make sure you send them loads of photos .... wish you were here 😏

OP, I used to live in South Asia, much closer to Bali than the UK. I was friends with two British expat families who had both been to Bali from that location multiple times. One of the mums - a single mum with three teen and pre-teen kids - described it as her paradise, she’d been three or four times over the course of less than a decade.

I was keen to go but then COVID hit and continued to limit travel until I moved back to the UK.

A very fussy friend (late thirties, married, no kids) is currently there with her husband and is spamming the pants off my Facebook, looks beautiful. Beaches and boat rides and temples, oh my.

So there absolutely is hope! But I think similar to south east Asia or other super exotic bucket list places - it definitely requires a bit of planning so you don’t get tourist trapped into shite.

Ps if they aren’t Balinese, and they live and work in the UK, they’re extremely shitty for even arranging to have a wedding so far away. It’s such an expensive destination so far away.

I would be really pissed off with my 'friends' and wouldn't bother to go to their UK wedding. And I would make it clear why.

Are you sure you can't change the flights to somewhere else? I have done that for an admin fee. It's worth a try. Ditto Booking.com. And for what it's worth, I've been to Bali, albeit it long ago, and it was amazing.

I’d pull some of the money back by not going to their wedding.
What they have done is appauling.

Ignoring the utterly wankerish behaviour of your self absorbed ‘friends’… Bali can we wonderful. Is be tempted to add a bit to your budget and make the most of it.

Bali has a poor reputation because of the southern beach resorts, but it’s a gorgeous part of Indonesia. I’d consider going to Flores or another island too. Internal flights are easy and cheap.

How old are your kids? We did some fantastic trips whilst there and our kids loved it too.

Down but not out OP. You can turn this around.

Come on OP! These people don’t value your family as much as you do theirs.
They are not your friends in the true sense…..if they were you wouldn’t be in this situation.
Teach your dc proper boundaries and not how to be walked over.

@Jessforless your 'friends' clearly aren't friends at all. True friends would never dream of behaving like this. They would have understood immediately that you (and the great majority of others) wouldn't be able to afford to go to their long distance wedding destination. They would never apply pressure nor nonchalantly change their plans. They haven't even apologised which is terrible. You and your DH were very foolish to agree under pressure but you already know that. All you can do now is enjoy the holiday. I'm sure you will have an amazing time. However, you still seem to be behaving in a rather foolish way with regards the friendship. Why do you still want to be friends with such people? Why would you want to attend their wedding and buy them a present after the way they have behaved? You can easily back away from the adult relationship and let the children still make friends within their class at school.

Based on your posts, I imagine you will still be going to their wedding when it happens.

Do NOT spend any money to attend. Pull something from your closets, don't buy them a gift --- you've already spent that on your wasted travel accommodations for their original location that they essentially bullied you into paying, and don't apologise for not getting them anything.

@Jessforless awful situation but sometimes these things make for the best adventures. Slightly different situation but me and my now husband were gifted part of a holiday by in laws. Somewhere I would never, ever have chosen. Like you wasn't on the bucket list and I would have normally actively avoided it. Despite it being a gift it still required quite a bit of money. I was dreading it if Im honest.

Its one of the best memories I have. Unlike other holidays which you put so much pressure on, I was expecting it to be difficult so just let go and went with it. I was outside my comfort zone in a great way, i went for things I would never have chosen because why not and it became this fantastic adventure.

Youve been dealt this hand, and I am sorry because what's been done to you is genuinely wrong... But... Bali is incredible. Beautiful place, beautiful culture, it could be the trip of a lifetime. Even better because you don't have to sit through a dull wedding in the middle and it can be this wonderful experience you and your family have been thrown into.

@Jessforless They’ve cancelled the wedding today. They’re going to get married in the UK because one set of parents can’t go.

By "one set of parents can't go" of course you mean they told their DC not to be ridiculous, they can't expect their friends to pay that.

I think it is insane that your friends arranged a wedding which involved multiple friends and family spending 7k and I can only imagine that most of your circle is immensely wealthy for this even to be considered.

It was also very bad form of them to react badly to you saying that you could not attend their wedding in the circumstances.

I think there are two issues. First, what to do about the holiday. Second, what to do about your friends.

As others have said, if you really can't get the money back (and I doubt the credit card company will fork out if legally this is just you changing your mind), then as others have said, go on the holiday and try to have a wonderful time. Other people paid full price which was refundable/transferable. For very good reasons you paid less and thought you were saving money, but now you are stuck. That said, you would probably have paid 2k-3k for the trip, so go with that in mind and enjoy it. Take lots of photos of you in all the places planned as part of the wedding.

As to the friends, I would keep an open mind. They treated you shoddily when they cancelled events with you last year, but now they have been told clearly that the wedding was a bad idea and have done the right thing by changing their plans, hopefully saving everyone but you lots of money. If you cut them off, will that mean lots of awkwardness with mutual friends, who probably won't be sympathetic that you were trying to do it all on the cheap anyway?

I would try and get past it, remember to stick to your guns in future, go to the wedding and for their wedding gift give them a copy of your holiday photo album and nothing else, with a comment that this wedding gift cost 5000 quid and a smiley face.

Based on your posts, I imagine you will still be going to their wedding when it happens

I imagine the OP will go to the wedding and will probably still buy them an expensive gift going off her previous posts. At this point, she is basically buying their friendship which is really very sad

You should have stayed true to yourself, you knew you couldn't afford it but still went ahead. This is going to be an expensive lesson for you, you are allowed to make your own choice even if it upsets friends. Were your friends upset/embarrassed when they told you the Bali wedding was cancelled. If they weren't, I think you're over invested in this friendship.

After all this have another look at your "basic" insurance with your bank ... there was a fairly tragic "fund me" post locally because people didn't realise that their bank travel insurance only covered Europe.

Also .. you may have a real problem that necessitates good travel insurance or even cancellation nearer the time. Also you don't have the protection of a package.

Go to Bali and have an amazing holiday. As others have said, these people are not your friends, it is so sad that you believe that they will try to exclude you and your children from local socialising if you make a fuss.