More of a WWYD? Wedding abroad…

[Jessforless]

A friend of ours is getting married abroad and the cost of going, accommodation, a hen and stag day day trip cost which was A LOT in July.

We said we couldn’t go. We are trying so hard at the moment to save money for various reasons and this wasn’t in our plans. I’m talking package 7k plus for this.

The response to our decline wasn’t great, and they actually cancelled a few planned things with us last summer after we declined.

We felt awful and our children are such good friends, my DH found separately amazing flight deals, hotel, etc, so we decided, let’s just do it. The friendship means a lot.

We are basically 5k in to this trip, because of going for cheaper tickets etc for everything - all non refundable. Of course because we’re idiots.

you can probably see what’s coming?

They’ve cancelled the wedding today. They’re going to get married in the UK because one set of parents can’t go. We’re not the only people affected but a lot of people booked the package which you can get back as a voucher / move to a different holiday. We stupidly tried to save money and have booked flights through Skyscanner, accommodation through booking.com and a ticket to something local via get your guide. None of it is refundable.

Im so upset. Probably this thread is for nothing - because what can we do?! We’re going to have to just go to this place we would never have chosen to go to for a holiday and suck it up. Just feels so frustrating and unfair in a year where we really could have done without it.

So, probably tumbleweed… but what would you do? Please be gentle as I’m gutted about the money. Honestly, this was such a financial stretch for us this year but following their reaction we didn’t see what else we could no but try and get there as cheaply as possible.

Go on the holiday and ditch your friends.

Appalling behaviour

Go, make the best of it and re-evaluate the friendship because good friends would never have reacted badly to you being unable to afford it

So they've changed the actual date of the wedding too ?

Are you still going to attend their wedding ?
Present, clothes , travel etc gonna cost you even more.

The new wedding date hasn’t been announced, just that it would be in the UK.

Feeling stomach in knots about how outing this thread is and if someone they know happens to see it… (wish I hadn’t said the destination 😂) but we would love for the friendship to be able to be repaired. Even just for our kids sakes.

but we would love for the friendship to be able to be repaired. Even just for our kids sakes.
I don't understand?! They're the fuckers who should be desparate for YOUR forgiveness!!
What the hell are they annoyed with you for?!

OP, I wouldn't worry about your post being outing. Why let them think that their behaviour has been other than appalling? To paraphrase Vinnie Jones, someone should tear off their heads and shit in the hole

Get some dignity op! You and your Dh are a million times better than these grifters. Get better friends. Better alone than badly accompanied.

Oh and mine are teens now and neither friends with any primary friend..

But we have been such good friends for years and we didn’t want to risk that by missing the wedding… and they were so upset with us

Clearly not as good as you thought, if they got the snark because you couldn't spend multiple thousands in the way they wanted - frankly, after that, I wouldn't have been going at all

It's a bit late for that though, and if you're committed to going here's hoping you all have a fantastic time

@Jessforless surely you aren't even contemplating attending the re-arranged wedding, whenever that may be?

All of this. your friendships will change irrevocably, so I'd be going out in a blaze of glory and having a proper show down with them

Why are you so worried about upsetting them when they have shafted you and they clearly are not bothered about whether you're upset! Have more self worth and realise these people are not friends and you deserve more respect from'friends'

You seem like a bit of a sap OP. Sorry. These people are not your friends. Everyone is telling you that for a reason. What

Fucking hell, stop being such a people-pleasing doormat. Teach your kids that certain behaviours have consequences. Teach them how to tell real friends from fake ones.

There is no friendship with these cheeky fuckers to save here.

I’m not a people pleasing sap at all, I have plenty of situations where I’ve advocated for myself, my family, cut people out even.

I just want to be careful in this situation because it involves very close friendships for both of my children, I just think that’s sensible.

am I pissed off? Of course!! But do I want my kids to suffer for years of school in a one form entry where they are very close with these children, no. That’s not sap. That’s just measured and cautious.

if it were just me and DH, I’d have already done something passive aggressive or removed myself from the WhatsApp group - I’m preferring to be measured. I am so so angry about this don’t get me wrong (even though I see my fault in it). But there is still time in this story - what might happen? I’m hopeful for something that might rectify to be honest. An amazing apology?? I’m here for it.

OP, apologies, amazing or otherwise, do NOT pay the bills. I don't understand why your children will 'suffer'. Don't they have any other friends? Or are the CF's kids some kind of top dogs who deign to bestow their oh-so-valuable friendship on lesser mortals? I don't know why, but you seem in thrall to the lot of them

No thrall, just genuine friendship that is lovely that is worth a lot to us.

I know apologies don’t pay the bills trust me, this work on the house has been a long time coming and I couldn’t be more focussed on it as our priority… but I don’t see a huge value in cutting ties with people that may affect my kids… (they’re almost as important as the house 😜)

I do take every single thing in this thread said on, and I do understand. I Am angry. (Livid actually)

but I’m trying to navigate this in the best way possible to make sure my kids don’t get hurt.

How old are your kids?

Sorry op you sound lovely but this is all very odd particularly your concerns about them damaging your kids? Don’t really understand the dynamics here but you sound very in awe of these people the power balance seems way off.

They treat you like shit and you fret about staying in with them?! Do your kids not have any other friends? The primary years are short and neither of my teens are still friends with a single primary school mate so once they hit secondary it’s likely that’s it anyway.

You're being a massive push over and I'm unsure as to why you think your children will suffer? They can be friends with who they like in school. You shouldn't have to shell out thousands of pounds on a wedding for anything. These people aren't your friends.

Stop being such a wet lettuce.

Bali will be amazing, as a PP said plan it carefully and you will love it. However people that won't accept you can't afford it, push you to book, and then pull the rug out from under you are not friends. If I was your friends I would have said I'm gutted you can't come, I'd love to have you there, but I get it. If they'd just been a bit moody that's one thing but cancelling other plans shows they wanted to punish you and are selfish, involved people. To then not even consider other people's situation as well and cancel it when everyone else has sunk money in is outrageously self centred. They should have either not organised the thing in the first place if there was a possibility parents couldn't go or have gone ahead without them. Either way for me the friendship would nev3r be the same again.

Also I'd definitely think about why you felt you had to book it, for me if someone behaved as they had I would have been annoy3d with them and less likely to book it, not felt bullied into it. When people show you who they are, believe them.

So they invited your family to their wedding in Bali, you had to decline due to the cost, they threw a strop, cancelled plans with you to punish you so then you went and booked cheaper non-refundable flights and accommodation just so you could attend, and now they've cancelled the Bali wedding and are having it in the UK.

Wow. Who needs enemies when you have friends like these? They are NOT your friends. I don't know how you can even consider continuing this friendship after this. Yes, you were stupid to book the non-refundable stuff in the first place - your warning signal should have been them throwing a tantrum when you declined the invite. It's an invitation, not a summons!

Yes put like that coconut it’s awful. What’s concerning is the mindset that led the op to buy the holiday in the first place to placate the friends is continuing (see ops recent posts). It’s like the other family have a weird hold over op and her Dh so they dare not speak up when so badly treated by them and are bizarrely still anxious to stay in with them. Very weird!

You do sound measured and sensible OP.

Reading this thread has made me feel a little bit sick on your behalf. Reading between the lines it seems that your friends intend to skim over the inconvenience and financial loss you have encountered after they persuaded you to invest it in them.
While I'm sure they didn't set out to cause this upset, it's undeniably cowardly and selfish of them to look the other way. They really ought to be contrite and apologetic, as worried about inconveniencing their dear friends as you were about offending them by not attending their destination wedding in bloody Bali.

I'm not sure the friendship will survive, even with the best of intentions. You may not feel the closeness you once did, knowing that they expect loyalty that they would not give. My dignity would be dunted after this one and I'd end up feeling too resentful to take it up again with the same enthusiasm.

You are utter mugs and people pleasers and teaching your children to be the same by being friends with their children. I get the feeling you've said absolutely nothing to these 'friends' about the financial difficulties you're now facing? Are you just silently stewing?

Every single person contemplating or feeling pressured into attending a wedding abroad that they can't easliy afford, needs to read this thread.