More of a WWYD? Wedding abroad…

[Jessforless]

A friend of ours is getting married abroad and the cost of going, accommodation, a hen and stag day day trip cost which was A LOT in July.

We said we couldn’t go. We are trying so hard at the moment to save money for various reasons and this wasn’t in our plans. I’m talking package 7k plus for this.

The response to our decline wasn’t great, and they actually cancelled a few planned things with us last summer after we declined.

We felt awful and our children are such good friends, my DH found separately amazing flight deals, hotel, etc, so we decided, let’s just do it. The friendship means a lot.

We are basically 5k in to this trip, because of going for cheaper tickets etc for everything - all non refundable. Of course because we’re idiots.

you can probably see what’s coming?

They’ve cancelled the wedding today. They’re going to get married in the UK because one set of parents can’t go. We’re not the only people affected but a lot of people booked the package which you can get back as a voucher / move to a different holiday. We stupidly tried to save money and have booked flights through Skyscanner, accommodation through booking.com and a ticket to something local via get your guide. None of it is refundable.

Im so upset. Probably this thread is for nothing - because what can we do?! We’re going to have to just go to this place we would never have chosen to go to for a holiday and suck it up. Just feels so frustrating and unfair in a year where we really could have done without it.

So, probably tumbleweed… but what would you do? Please be gentle as I’m gutted about the money. Honestly, this was such a financial stretch for us this year but following their reaction we didn’t see what else we could no but try and get there as cheaply as possible.

I think you need to step back for your kids sake. Given how messy this is what is going to happen when the childrens friendships are put to the test, which they undoubtedly are going to be. Enmeshment friendships like this are problematic particularly when the children grow older and become teens. How they have navigated this speaks volumes for how that will be handled.

your children can still be close friends, you do not need to be

I agree with this you see. I'd be offended that they were offended.
As for giving you the cold shoulder and cancelling on you until you caved...pffft.
They clearly assume they are a prize for you.

Mortified.

I have to say first of all I'm so sorry, this is absolutely awful and so shit.

But I voted YABU because you need to really reassess your expectations and boundaries for friendships.

Anyone who takes issue with you not coming to their wedding when it is obviously extremely costly to do so - and I am absolutely horrified by how they reacted to your initial decision not to come - is no friend of yours. I'd have cut my losses at that point. Children get over this stuff.

For you guys to fall for their self-centered bullying and then decide to go after all was where you were mistaken and unreasonable, IMO. You sound like you need better boundaries and better friends!

I hope you can make the most of the trip, tho. I can't think how else to salvage it...

PS I agree with those who have said that they're probably cancelling due to low numbers.
How unbelievably self centered must you be to think people could or would spend all that on your wedding during a cost of living crisis?!
I think the tide has turned a lot since pre pandemic when big destination weddings were becoming more and more the norm.

With people's mortgages and nursery fees etc rocketing and debt much less cheap, it simply isn't possible for people to stretch themselves to appease their friends' wedding egos the way they once did.

Oh bloody ell I lived in Asia and Bali is amazing!

You sound strangely in awe of these people! What hold do they have over your life? Your children will be absolutely fine, you need to work on your boundaries.

I’m not in awe of them, I just don’t see the point of throwing my toys of the pram and putting more stress in the situation.

And yes, of course my kids have other friends, one of them is primary and one is secondary and these kids have been solidly best friends with them since the first one started nursery, I don’t want to introduce any awkwardness into those relationships because of their parents.

And of course I’ve said plenty. I just didn’t immediately end the friendship.

So interested by the term “enmeshment friendships” a few local families have these and they make me shudder. It’s almost commune like. I love having friends and spending time with them but keep it boundaried and Dh and kids feel the same. It makes me wonder if there is something lacking in the relationships of the family that they feel they need the other family around. It also means you focus less on your own kids if there are always other adults around.

I would absolutely send this, never speak to them again and have a fantastic holiday in Bali.

At least you haven't gone into debt for it. You had the money, even if it was earmarked for something else, you haven't been scammed - kindly, you do need to stop being a bit overdramatic calling yourselves stupid. You made the choice to go. yes, under duress but you can't be held responsible for your friends cancelling - how were you to know?

Having said that, Id be spitting feathers if it was me and id never be able to get over it in terms of our friendship.

OP you need to distinguish between “throwing your toys out of the pram” - ie a tantrum over something minor - and a justified reaction to truly dreadful behaviour.

I don’t feel the need to be good friends with the best friends of my kids - why would I? Some of my their friends’ parents have become good friends and some haven’t. Really depends.

I find it bizarre that you characterise this as you “introducing awkwardness”. It’s not you who have made it awkward!

But importantly - there’s no sense here of your having any sense of self-protection via boundaries.

Even if you don’t want to call them out on it, you should be distancing yourselves from for your own protection because they will pull similar shit again, and you and DH are such people pleasers that you will be sitting ducks.

First you must acknowledge how poor their behaviour has been and what that says about their ethics.

Second you must take action to ring fence yourself from them in the future.

Agreed. It would make me see them differently that they would even try emotional blackmail. Cancelling stuff when you don’t do what they want is unacceptable.

Part of the problem is OP’s meekness in the face of this couple.

Totally agree.

You still want to be friends with them?

Why? They've shown you what they think of you.

OP you sound like a mug wanting to still be friends with them.
I keep my friends for years but o would definitely consider this friendship over.

This turn of events has impacted on you significantly; financially, emotionally, time off work. I agree that revaluating this friendship is not quite 'throwing your toys out of the pram'.
Your friends cold-shouldering you when you couldn't afford their wedding in Bali in the first place, was.

They're shitty friends for sulking about you declining - I was intensely aware of the potential costs of our wedding for guests and that was just in the countryside 2 hours from where we live. People who do destination weddings have to be aware that they risk people not being able to come.

If it's on Barclaycard you may be able to get costs back - say it was for a wedding and that wedding has been cancelled. We got money back on flights when we were going to South Africa for DH's grandfather's 100th birthday but he died a few months before. Wedding might be harder to give proof of it not happening, but it's worth a try.

Had another look in because the power play is psychologically fascinating. Such neediness on the OP's part is hard to fathom. In the OP's original post: ''The response to our decline wasn’t great, and they actually cancelled a few planned things with us last summer after we declined.'' In other words, they gave her the bum's rush. So why oh why would anyone still be scratting around for the crumbs of such a friendship? And children couldn't care less who their parents are friends with

The oddest thing about this thread isn’t the incredible moving wedding destination, it’s the OP’s desperation to remain friends with people who have treated her remarkably poorly.

Why, OP?

You seem terribly afraid of what they think of you if you let them pressure you into spending 5k you couldn’t afford on travelling to a place you didn’t want to go, and now, when they’ve unapologetically changed their minds after you’ve spent the money (probably because other people weren’t as gullible), you’re anxious to ‘repair’ the friendship, as if you actually think your initial reluctance was the thing at fault?

Whats the deal here?

What will you do if they choose the same date for the UK wedding as the Bali trip??

Your concern around the children is only natural, @Jessforless, but hat exactly is it you're afraid of?

Nobody's suggesting you should spit on these folk if you see them in the street, but why would the children "suffer for years" if you pull back a little, don't go to the wedding or whatever?

From an outsider's POV it all looks very much like "Do what we want or we'll make you pay" and that wouldn't be healthy at all

Firstly I'd have never have gone in the first place. It's very selfish of couples to expect people to spend thousands on THEIR special day.

With the situation you're in now, you may as well make the best of it - I'm sure the place can't be that bad..

You’d actually be doing your kids a bigger favour in future by modelling healthy boundaries.

These “friends” obviously don’t value you as much as you do them, it’s embarrassing that they cancelled plans with you because you couldn’t afford to fly to Bali for their wedding!

Your children will form their own friendship groups, you don’t need to oversee them or be best friends with the parents of their friends.

I honestly could not be friends with them, and it’s interesting you said you would be passive aggressive usually or remove yourself from the group chat, why is that? Why are you not able to communicate directly and clearly your anger and upset with people who have taken the absolute piss out of you?

The friendship means a lot to you but clearly not to them if that was their reaction to you declining the invite. People who choose to marry abroad must understand that not everyone is able or willing to travel abroad to witness a marriage.
My sister was planning a wedding abroad but after realising that she would only have a couple of people attend and zero family members for various reasons, she planned a UK wedding instead, BEFORE sending out invites ect.
If I were you, I wouldn't be attending her wedding now and would explain that you are unable to afford it now as the 5k you have already spent I'd non refundable.
You deserve better friends.

Go and enjoy the holiday and ditch the friends. If you book a wedding abroad you take that chance that not everyone will be able to attend, not everyone has that kind of money/can get a full week off work so they shouldn't really be flying off the handle at people who can't make it!

Unfortunately I don't think this is the behaviour of true friends. You say you value their friendship but if they valued yours they wouldn't have put you in this position in the first place. There is no way I'd be continuing a close friendship after this.