'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

[ohwow23]

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

She's happy to use you for money, but not to support you, and to be actively horrible. I hope you've blocked her.

This is literally one of the most thoughtless, horrific, heartless things I've ever seen on here. Just all of it. The fact she can't see or listen to the fact that when you say you're 'numb to it' you're not just blithely unbothered about losing your children, her patronising attempt to tell you how you should and shouldn't feel, and portraying your sad losses as you putting these babies you desperately wanted through something awful.

She's thick as mince too if she has such little understanding of pregnancy loss that she doesn't realise your babies haven't experienced anything uncomfortable or painful or distressing whatsoever. She is honestly... wow. Please, never ever speak to her again.

wow, just wow

speaking as someone who had 5 miscarriages they aren't babies - they are the promise of a baby, they are the possibility of a baby

I would block her and just go on with my life

@ohwow23 try seeing Prof Brosens at Coventry - that's what helped me...

Even if your friend had very strong beliefs about baby-consciousness from the first division of cells, (inaccurate of course -but beliefs often are) she would have been utterly wrong to write what she did... and she would know that.

She was happy to make the intolerable suffering of a friend worse -even while suggesting she had deep care for imagined 'babies'.

You are low on her list of loved beings OP.

It looks to me that she simply wanted to hurt you.

Her words are a sly dig with a knife sharp enough to cut through any defences -but especially those of someone in your situation.

What!! She’s awful!!! I’m so very sorry for your losses OP 💗💐

Absolutely fuck right off.

Thick and horrible. Not a friend.

I’m the same. I have APS and lupus. Was put on blood thinning injections with my youngest (I’m allergic to aspirin) and think that’s what kept me stay pregnant. Myleene class has successfully gone to parliament to change laws so you no longer need to lose 3 (in a row) to be investigated. Doesn’t change the fact the OPs “friend” was really insensitive about the subject, especially on the day it happened. I get exactly what the OP meant when she said she had become numb to it, I didn’t really believe my youngest was here to stay until he was about 2!!! I’ve lost 5 since having him as well ( he’s only 4). Currently waiting to see about a hysterectomy now though. As much as I see any child a blessing, I’ve decided enough is enough. But that’s come after 24 years of being in this cycle of carrying/not carrying/wondering.
I wish you the best OP and like I said, do what’s best for you and your heart. You will know when enough is enough and nobody can tell you otherwise 💐💐💐💐

OP - I'm so sorry you are going through such a heartbreaking journey.

I'm very fortunate to have three healthy DC, but each was 'alternating' with losses in between. One I miscarried 'naturally' (so to speak) around six weeks, and the other I had to have a surgical removal. Both of these experiences hurt me beyond measure - and I'm not trying to compare our situations because I do have my DC, and I am wishing you all the best on your journey to have yours.

I'm just trying to say - those of us who have been there understand how painful it is. And anyone who hasn't... surely it doesn't take much imagination or empathy to try to understand. I ended up cutting off my MIL because she had a go at DH for not leaving me to visit her while I was losing that baby through the surgical thing. He was appalled. People can be real shits around this issue- you are not alone in that, and this woman is no 'friend' of yours.

I truly wish that your next pregnancy results in a healthy baby. All the best.

I had two miscarriages and a stillbirth (and was very lucky to have a sticky bean in between - I stopped after my second mc as I was worried about how the effect on me of repeated losses would affect my DD).

I have a completely different perspective to your friend. For me each of those pregnancies had immense meaning and brought me joy whilst they lasted, even if they also broke my heart when they ended. If it had to end then it gives me comfort that they ended in the safest, most secure and loving place that I could offer them. I'm not sure what your friend thinks happens when a pregnancy ends but I am absolute positive that there is no suffering involved for a foetus whose heart stops beating.

Sounds like a simpleton.
sorry for your losses.

Not sorry you lost this friend…. The trash took its self out.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💔 I was on your other thread I think? I had 13 unexplained miscarriages and my 14th pregnancy resulted in my 8 month old DD who's fast asleep in her cot and the love of my life. You WILL get there. Do not let anyone stop you from trying if that's what you as a couple need to do. Take a break, grieve in your own way. We did this, we grieved, we cried and we were so utterly bereft and sad and then we started trying again because we knew that we would keep going until it was our time, and eventually it was. The babies we lost were and still are loved and I will always remember them. She is a shit friend and I'm proud of you for your response to her! ♥️

However as someone who has been in your position she is right that you may need to stop trying until after having tests as they cant carry out the necessary testing whilst pregnant or just after a recent miscarriage.

One of my cousins didn’t wait for test results before trying again & she also didn’t wait the 3 months or so after an ectopic pregnancy. It caused quite a few rows with her DH & my aunt.

What a silly cunt she is. Get her blocked and deleted as soon as you have a chance, I say.

So sorry for your loss. She sounds batshit. I would delete her number and block her.

How do you know? We call all pretend what we want happens or not but how does anyone know what a baby goes through?

That woman is just an awful human being.

No, it's an embryo from 10-12 days after conception. So when you are testing positive it is no longer a blastocyst. Calling an embryo a 'ball of cells' is incorrect and upsetting to many women. Mine had a heartbeat when I miscarriaged.

Wow, there is absolutely no excusing that. I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine what it must be like for you but you are certainly right to make whatever decision feels right for you and absolutely no one should be making you feel bad for that, you've been through enough! A real friend would have sympathy not be judgemental.

Oh dear, that's about as sensitive as a brick. For people (presumably like your friend) who have never struggled to conceive or carry a pregnancy to full term, I really don't think they have any idea of the pain & anguish that someone who does experience those things goes through. I'm so sad for you & your husband for what you've been and are going through. I hope your friend does have a long, hard think and comes back to you with the appropriate apology

This! In spades! Block her now. Take care of yourself and hang in there. Xxx

She is NOT your friend.

I'm so sorry you received those messages.

I'm childless by choice but I would never be so insensitive.

@WandaWonder I'm here to share my experience of pregnancy loss with the OP. I don't mind you holding a different view, but a thread full of grieving mothers (of whom I am one) isn't really the place for a theoretical debate.

I agree with you, but “bunch of cells” is often the excuse given to justify abortion.

My friend was told this when she had an abortion. She was in her teens and believed them, she was 10 weeks pregnant. It hit her extremely hard when she later had a planned baby and found out with those 'your baby's development' weekly updates that 10 weeks was not just a bunch of cells.