'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

[ohwow23]

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

So sorry for losses. I’ve been through it twice and it’s scarred me. She is an absolute piece of shit of a human being and I’d never speak to her again. Block her on everything. I had a ‘friend’ like this too. I dumped her.

Anyone with an ounce of empathy would have realises what you meant. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and enjoy your drink!

Wow @ohwow23 that is one of the cruelest things I’ve ever read. That’s not a friend that is a frenemy. Leave that toxic trash where she belongs. 💐

What tests?

She can duck off. Hard pass and a block from me

So sorry for your losses OP.

Your ex friend is insane.

Read your first post, then about 5 comments. She isn’t your friend. Block her and focus on getting through this. One foot in front of the other.
people ask me why I have 5 children…. Witch some pretty big age gaps… if they knew what I’d been through to have them, they wouldn’t ask. I’ve lost 27 babies. At various stages. But to give you hope, I got there with my youngest in the end. I hope one day you get your little rainbow 🌈 xxx

Haven't read the full thread but have read Op's posts.

The thing is, tests can be inconclusive, mine were.

Can i ask how far along you were? you told this friend you were pregnant, whereas in the early days a lot of women choose not to share the news for reasons such as this. You must have thought her a good friend. If and when you choose to carry on, she doesn't need to know.

I really hope you get your rainbow soon.

She’s not a friend - what an absolute heartless bitch .. I’m so sorry for your losses OP .. with friends like this who needs enemies .. I’d never speak to her again

So sorry you have had to suffer these terrible losses OP - and the 'unfriend' who has attached herself to you.

Her words were carefully chosen to hurt... but meaningless.

You are doing the right thing - offering life and hoping it can be taken.
I am wishing you happiness ahead very soon.

@WonderfulCheese hi, if you read an update you'll see I comment on how our friendship comes about / how long for etc. I don't think I'll be telling her further. Thank you, I'm praying for our rainbow ❤️

Pregnancy 1 - MC 5 weeks
Pregnancy 2 - 12 weeks but MMC at 8 weeks
Pregnancy 3 - blighted ovum 6 weeks
Pregnancy 4 - MC at 6 and a half weeks

Also, I've asked GP and EPU/midwives on what to do whilst we wait, and they've said there's no harm to keep on trying which is what we decided to do, we are holding onto a glimmer of hope and praying for a miracle 🌈

Blighted ovum 7 weeks had a scan at 6 weeks, then 7. Confirmed no baby but a growing sac

Has anyone discussed the use of Aspirin and progesterone with you?

As for your friend - Wow. I'd be very very slow to let her back into my life. At the dates you have miscarried you have not been carrying a "poor defenseless baby". You have had a cluster of cells develop, and be realised to not be viable.

You are not harming anyone or anything by continuing to try. As you said, midwives will not tell you to stop trying while you wait for results.

Take care of yourself. I hope you get good news soon.

OP sending you all the good vibes for the baby that you want. It’s so hard when it doesn’t go smoothly.

What an arse your ex friend is. Remarkably cruel and stupid.

Rein yourself in.

I miscarried twice. Tragically quite late the second time. Found to be 100% due to having Factor V Leiden blood disorder.

Taking baby aspirin (literally, that was it) solved the problem.

So actually YES you can prevent miscarriages , and they can be 'treated' - as shown in my own experience.

That's not to say that's what wrong with OP and won't apply to all miscarriages, but it's a lot more common that people know about (also a good reason why women shouldn't take the pill without being checked for it first) but personally i wouldn't be carrying on having what could be needless miscarriages hoping to just strike lucky.

Why the rush?

I am sorry for your losses.

And sorry that you have to deal with this 'friend'. Breathtakingly nasty. And a miscarriage does not involve a 'poor defenceless baby'.

Friend should probably take note of the fact 60% of recurrent miscarriage cases no cause is found - so very likely you’d have to ‘just keep trying’ with or without testing! What an insensitive bitch! Friendship over for me

First reaction: WTF!!

Second reaction: does she have kids? And ks she very religious?

Third: well, i had a friend grieve the loss lf every implanted embryo as the loss of a child.

In courts they say if you are looking up at something you have one perspective. If THEY are looking down at the same thing the have another perspective. But you are both looking at the same thing.

Is she very influenced by so-called 'pro-lifers' who sometimes act as though they think that consciousness begins at conception?

I do hope that you soon have your healthy child.

I always try to be balanced in my views and give the benefit of the doubt to ignorant or clumsy wording..however, her comments are shocking!

Had she expressed concern for you and also said that she feels that you should wait for the tests and not put you body through this until it has had time to recover etc, that would be a fair and valid comment.

An early stage embryo/foetus is largely a mass of cells. That's not to say that miscarriage is not horrendous. It is. It's the loss of dreams and hope of holding that much wanted little baby. But it does not suffer. It's just a hideous thing to assert.

Firstly I am so so sorry for your losses, what you are going through must be hell. I fully understand you continuing to keep trying. Secondly, WOW, this is categorically not someone you need in your life. She is thoughtless and cruel. Please for your own sake cut her off immediately.

She’s a waste of space, forget about her. I’m so sorry for your losses and sending lots of love ❤️ xxx

She is no friend to you. I coudn't have believed she'd said that had I not read it. You deserve so much more.

Jesus OP, I’m so sorry for your losses, and hope you have some more supportive friends.
This is not a friendship I would continue to put any effort into, she is so far removed from the situation and clearly entrenched in her own very extreme beliefs.