'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

[ohwow23]

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

very sorry for your losses and that at a crap time your friend did this.

your response to her text was very restrained. I would find it difficult not to tell her to fuck off and would probably never speak to her again.

Gosh, I think that you now know that she is not your 'friend' now!

So sorry for your losses. I have been through the mill... I am lucky that I have a son - but went through the wringer before he arrived.

HOW DARE SHE!!!!! It's completely out of order. Of course there's no 'harm' per se re your loses in terms of the foetuses... it's been far too early for there to have been any such issue.

Is she Pro-life / very religious - this is the only explanation I could remotely get to from your descriptions.

Sending love - and hope.

Wow! I could never get past that comment to be friends again.

Sorry for your losses OP x

I think a previous poster described her best as a thunderous bellend. Perfectly sums her up.

I’m so sorry for your losses. I lost three and a friend who suggested we stop nearly broke me. I knew it came from a place of caring and given that the third loss nearly killed me, worry, but it still really hurt. Your friend’s comment and doubling down on it is something else. Hers isn’t an opinion worth entertaining as the overwhelming responses here show.

We went on to have a little boy. He’s now 18 months. I still think of those much wanted almost-babies, and I’m so glad we kept going, even when we felt numb and hopeless. I hope you get your rainbow too.

I think this is one of the worst things I've ever read on MN. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now OP.
I wish you and your DH the strength and fortitude to carry on.

She is a nasty evil bitch. So sorry for your losses. Block her. I hope you get your baby x

Her choice of words are disgusting and the fact she cant see that and apologise for me would be the end of the friendship.

However as someone who has been in your position she is right that you may need to stop trying until after having tests as they cant carry out the necessary testing whilst pregnant or just after a recent miscarriage. I turned up to my appointment pregnant and the docor although happy for me wasnt too pleased as it meant she couldnt do anything and I could have been facing my 5th miscarriage and delayed getting any answers. Luckily for me that 5th little bean decided to stick around and is now 2

I can't understand what she was trying to achieve with this comment. People don't want to deal with other people's pain maybe. It reads like a stupid attempt to shut you down. I'm so sorry for your losses and hope you find some answers soon. Your friend has been smug, cruel and deeply offensive. I'm not sure I'd be able to come back from this

She's a complete bellend with no empathy.

I'm so sorry for your losses 💐

The level of sheer ignorance is just staggering!!

What an utter bitch!

She is in no way a friend, OP.

Hopefully an ex friend. Definitely not a good friend.

There's just so much wrong with everything she said to you. I'm so sorry for your losses, you will have your rainbow baby one day! I had mine 7 months ago! You don't need people like that in your life, she's not a friend. Sending you hugs and support! x

OP please block her on your phone. She is no friend and only gets close with you to get something out of you. Her life is a mess, and she judges you. Just block her now.

I just want to wish you luck, if that's the right word, for the future. I hope it happens for you OP.

I'd block the friend and not engage. Sounds like your pain and grief might be inconvenient for her. She prefers it when you are supporting her and she's not the kind of person who even wants to support a friend.

Anyway, genuine best wishes, I hope you get to be a mum soon xx

Wow, how dare she. What a heartless cow with absolutely no capacity for empathy.

She's not your friend. Block her and move on, your life will be far better without her.

I'm so sorry for your losses. The yearning for a child is overwhelming and heartbreaking when you are struggling to conceive/carry a child to term, and people who haven't experienced it can never really understand. I really hope you get your rainbow baby x

She’s a massive cunt and I would never speak to her again.

@ohwow23
So sorry your going through this op, I had 4 miscarriages trying for my first baby, her way of words is awful, I would unfriend her tbh, don't loss hope I now have a one year old LG.

I had one early miscarriage at 8 weeks and one at 20 weeks. The 20 week one was something that can hopefully be prevented next time. The early one wasn't linked. I think your friend was cruel to say this to you, but I am debating whether to try again or not as I feel it would be cruel for that to happen to another baby that far along. I feel terribly guilty about the 20 week one even though I didn't know it was going to happen. I think it's different for me as I already have a 3 year old and yours were much earlier so it's not really comparable but I have that feeling.

Thinking of you - @ohwow23 💐

I’m so sorry you lost so many. Congrats on your beautiful 5.

I think people feel different things about it and will do at different points on their journey and that’s ok. But every person and situation is different and should not be judged in the same vein.

I’m so sorry for your losses OP.

Thats a terrible thing that she’s said, and not even accurate. God save us from people “saying it like it is” 🙄

Sadly, you seem to be as clueless as the friend. Many people have a series of multiple miscarriages and then go on to have a healthy baby. I'm one of them. No one really knows why it happens. Just very bad luck.

You're a good example of not commenting on things you know nothing about. Just like the friend.

That's true, some can be prevented. I know someone who had repeatedly miscarried and it turned out she had a blood clotting disorder, which was easily rectified by taking aspirin. Some other people require extra progesterone during the first trimester. Like you say, this won't apply in all cases and we don't know the cause of OPs - or even if there is one - but you are definitely right that some can be prevented.

Just here to add to the general view that she's not your friend.

Block, ghost or tell her straight she's out of your life and why.