Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

Why do you think there will be a disparity in education? Do you have evidence to back this up? Not every child thrives in boarding school or even private school. In my own family some went to state school and others private at different times. It depended on the child and their circumstances but was unaffordable for every child. I can honestly say that private education did not improve the life outcomes for some. Also, being educated abroad can bring its own problems with subjects not covered, different standards, different focus, etc. I was educated abroad and have huge gaps in my education and knowledge because of this. You would be better off investing your energy in your child’s education here and perhaps asking for a bit more support from your ex for private tuition if you think your child needs it.

This has nothing to do with what's best for your son and everything to do with money.

Such a lazy argument.

I am not a second wife. My ex husband doesn’t have any other kids except ours. My Dp doesn’t have any kids at all.

My initial reaction on reading this was that I think it's ridiculous to expect your son to receive completely the same treatment as his siblings in another country. BUT on reflection, if the standard of schooling of private education in France is demonstrably better such that it might result in a sizable gap in future attainment and social and economic equity between them, then, I think I agree with your stance.

I also think women receive more pressure to keep their children with them, especially from other women, which is partly why there's so much push back to the idea of you sending him away. Although I can see you think it might be for the overall improvement in future life chances, which isn't a trivial consideration. I too would be happy to take a hit to my parenting bond, if I felt my children would do better in life away from me, than they would with me.

How do you know there is a disparity in the quality of education between them? Just because you hear the words 'private' school.
Its totally different in france! Lots go to 'private' school and it costs about 1000euros a year on average, possibly 2000 depending on where they are in the country and level of education. Some are even less than that.

Private school in france does not mean the same as private school in the UK. Most are private because of being a religious school and kids are sent to them for that reason or because its affordable and sometimes because the private school is nearer and cheaper than forking out for school transport to the nearest non private one.

I think you are hearing the work private education and thinking he is spending lots of money on his other dc's education, when in reality he probably pays less than the monthly bus pass/train pass that kids in the uk pay out for to attend regular schools and colleges.

Exactly.

Does your son actually even need or want extra tutoring or to try a new extra curricular activity?

Without wanting to add to the original debate but in my experience when a student has joined our school not speaking English then Maths, my subject, has been the easiest one for them to tackle! The only problems occurred in written problems or explaining their result or reasons.

Yes this is the reason why I am asking for more child support, I just didn't request this of the father, as I was caught up in the heat of the discussion.

If he is paying £5k a year like you suppose, send your son to France. The £4800 per year you would have received in maintenance would pay most of the fees. Your ex can top up the rest with the maintenance you'll have to pay him for DS.

Can you afford half of the fees?

If not, then it’s not an option anyway.

Does your child definitely want to go?

If not, then again it’s not even an option anyway.

I can’t help feel that you are only wanting your child to go because the other kids are - else why was this not sorted out before now?

I think the OP said it's one of the more expensive schools

@1Rebecca I am not calling you a bad parent.
But as you’ve asked for opinions you will get them, but this is just on this matter.
I wouldn’t even use phrases with your son like “things he is missing out on” this is encouraging the idea that his father treats his siblings very differently to him which is surely only detrimental to his self esteem. If you think he is owed more from his father based on this revelation then have a private conversation with his father about this. But with your child I would try to keep the language light “are there any extra activities you’d like to explore” rather than “let’s try to do more of the things your half siblings are doing”

Exactly! This whole idea and the reasoning behind it is nonsensical.

You wouldn't pay your childs father the same amount of maintenance that he pays you?

You're coming across as very grabby. I can't imagine why your relationship ended.

If his wife is using her savings that's her business, nothing to do with you.

Why is your 13yr old so upset, have you been telling him how unfair it is?

I am not asking to abandon my child, I love them so much I'm willing to sacrifice some time so they're in the best position to succeed in the future. Why are people in this thread pretending to be oblivious to all the advantages afforded to children in private schools? From eduction, to extra curricular, to networking and so much more. Most children who go to unis like Oxford, or have better paying positions as adults went to private schools. Or even when it comes to GCSE and A-level results - aren't the ones from private schools better on average?

I too would be happy to take a hit to my parenting bond, if I felt my children would do better in life away from me, than they would with me

I'm not sure where to start with this comment.

I get where you are coming from when it comes to being fair with all his children.

I think you have made your point and now he should make sure he pays fairly for his son here- I think by the sounds of things he should be paying a lot more than £400

@1Rebecca I think you are right, all his children should have the same level of education and opportunities, regardless of the expenses.

I don't believe that the wife actually pays for the younger's education, he just said that so you can't complain. If they were struggling financially to pay his fees, she would have gone back to work.

At the very least he has to give you $100 more to pay for private tutoring or extracurricular activities.

I don't agree that he chose to move countries when he already had a child.

Or even when it comes to GCSE and A-level results - aren't the ones from private schools better on average?

Yes. The children may not be happier, though.

You are being utterly unhinged and very unreasonable. Have you ever shown any inclination to send your child to private school? It seems the only reason you’re bothered is because your child’s step siblings are getting something yours isn’t. Maybe the school system is very different in France.

Why on earth should he be obligated to pay? The two sets of children are never going to be equal. I think you will find your anger and emotional response to this will be the thing most upsetting your child. They would probably have got over a little upset on their own by now.

I can’t believe you would actually offer to send your child to France during term time just so they can attend private school!

As lots of posters on this thread have already pointed out private school in the UK and private school somewhere like France is not comparable.

You hear private school and think it's inherently better and that simply not the case.

Are you preparing for his application to Oxford now?

Will school in France help that?

What is he wanting to go to Oxford for? What are his backs ups?

Private schools aren’t inherently better. Not for every child and not every child who goes is a success story. Your son won’t achieve anything in life by just going to a school labelled as private?

I would feel exactly the same as you! Totally natural when you see your child upset. So surprised at the reaction on here! He could at least pay an equivalent, put aside for uni etc to make it fair.

@1Rebecca its not true that most children at Oxbridge went to private schools (around 70% come from state schools).
Yes it’s true that private schools on average outperform state schools, but remember that a lot of private schools are selective so this doesn’t necessarily reflect teaching. Also no idea about france !

No because you pay in accordance to what you earn, if I could afford that, I would pay that, but I can't. He can afford to pay more, but he feels like he pays enough, hence why he is secret keeping his salary - which I said I don't care as long as my child as enough to afford to do what they want to do. Where besides the post and another (to clarify), do I discuss the wife's contributions? It was purely to explain why she is supposedly helping, despite not working. Nothing bad was said about her.

In a previous response, I mention that I haven't done that. I have yet to speak to my child in detail regarding this matter, but I can't do that unless I come to an agreement with the father. How awful would it be to tell them that they can study in France with their siblings, when I have yet to even ask the father? It could all well be that the child will change their mind/prefer to stay here, but I can't discuss this definitively until I conclude conversation with my ex. I have no issue with my child staying with me, as I said in the main post, paying a little more child support each month is fine with me too.

I am complaining in this post, because he refuses to see how it isn't nice of him, nor wants to make any changes to help our child feel equally valued or invested in.